Happy Hannukah

One thing I like doing is making lists. Another thing I like is receiving free food. Yesterday I received a free donut from The Jewish Society in celebration of Hannukah. So in honour of that I present.... MY TOP 5 JEWISH PEOPLE! (NOTE: Lists are subject to change)

1. Jesus Christ

Pretty self explanatory. The first super-hero if you will. Jesus used his made god given skills to help people and turn water into wine and do all sorts of crazy shit. J.C you truly had Steveitude.

2. Seth Cohen
Little known fact, Seth Cohen was actually based on me. Black hair, tropical beach setting, love of comic books, witty dialogue. Also Seth has a massive Ben Folds Five poster and I love Ben Folds. Finally, I agree Summer is hot. Obviously they had to change some things like him being Jewish and all but you can clearly see the Steve. (PS - Sandy rules too but I didn't want to just make this an I love The Cohens post)

3. Yossi Benayoun

He's pretty good. All sorts of tricks in his bag. I like him more than Ronny Rosenthal anyway.

4. Zach Braff

Now I'm not 100% sure that the Braff is Jewish. I really like to think he is. In fact I'd say I'm 85% sure he is Jewish. He has the sort of geek vibe going too. He's J.D for Pete's Sake! (Notice not Christ's sake) Also he wrote and directed Garden State which is definitely one of my top 5 movies of all time. (Another list, another time)

EDIT: Zach is definitely Jewish, his middle name is ISRAEL! Also he has OCD, you learn something new everyday I guess.

5. Phil Scullion

He had to make it onto the list somewhere. Though 'the best looking player in the C league' shouldn't get too big headed over this as he clearly ranks below people I've never met and fictional characters. Well done anyway Phil! Cement mixers on you next time.

Peace

Steve

Nonces In Space (Rejected Title)

Hey sports fans. Sorry there has been very little action at Steve Towers recently but I have been busy with two other very exciting projects.

The first is a children's book called Bi-Polar Bear. Through our lead character 'Bear' it teaches children about Bi-Polar disease using words and drawings. It is still in the final planning stages as the publishers have yet to approve the ending in which Bear mauls his best buddy Race the Racoon. I just don't think they understand the reality of the disease.

Having just googled Bi-Polar Bear I think I may have been too late with this one. Damn.

The second project is a script for a new film in the evergreen Alien saga. Here is it's imdb entry:

Alien vs Sexual Predator

Director: Mario Lopez http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0530249/

Writer: Steve Lawrence

Release Date: 31st October 2009

Tagline: Prepare to be offended... sexually

Plot: In the year 2012 sex offenders are no longer sent to prison for their crimes, instead they are placed in rocket ships and launched into space. After one of these ships crash lands on a planet where the native species resemble Earth children the prisoners think they are in luck. But what they don't know is that the children aren't the only inhabitants of this planet...

Plot Keywords: Horror / Action / Gore / Christmas

The budget is $240 million. I think it will be a hit with the torch bearing masses.

Finally, how about Dumbledore being gay? Dear oh dear Ms Rowling even the most clueless English 101 student will tell you that an author loses all power over a text once they have committed it to paper. Sure if you'd have made Dumbledore's sexuality explicit that would have been fine but you can't go round declaring things after! That is unless there is a Super Gay Special Edition coming out? Oh well, I'm sure all the weird slash fiction writers are having the time of their lives with their Dumbledore gives Spock a hand job stories.

Peace

Steve

What do you call a homeless robot? A hobot

I've been working for about 10 weeks now and one thing has become quite clear. By and large work sucks. It just does. If I could I would just stay at home and people could send me money. (Please do if there are any eccentric millionaires reading this) However, money is a requirement for my many interests / smack addiction. Still, there is another option. Every morning on my way to work I walk past the park where all the hobos hang out and you know what they seem like they're having a great time. Sitting around in their wacky clothes drinking extra strength lager at 8.30am they are following their dreams. There's one particular guy, I call him 'upstanding gentleman hobo' who always seems to have a smile on his face. It's probably because he has a sweet jumper with 'university' on it. I actually think he may have been a super genius university lecturer who one day just thought to himself 'study is well and good but life really is just about sitting in the park... and getting pissed.' Either that or he's a sociologist studying hobos by becoming one. Anyway, if you've got the time go down to the esplanade and just watch the time pass with those crazy cats. They won't rape or mug you... probably.

Blogger have just uploaded a new site where you can view a slide show of random images being uploaded to blogs all over the world. It's mesmerizing.
http://play.blogger.com/
It brings me great joy to know a picture of Jose with a thong around his head will be being viewed by millions of strangers around the world.

Also if anyone is heading down to the movie theatre any time soon go and see Superbad! The funniest film I've seen this year, maybe ever. I would use the old laugh a minute cliche but I think the laugh ratio may have been higher than that. It had Josh clapping. Also it has AD alumni Michael Cera and you know that has got to be a good thing.

I got to sleep at about 9 this morning. If you're walking around St Lawrence with a Tracker bar at 7am you know something has gone wrong. Oly was trying to buy Beer. NOT ON THE SABBATH!

Peace

Steve

Kenan vs Kell

R. Kelly - Same Girl (feat. Usher)
Uploaded by yardie4life

How the fuck do you follow up Trapped In The Closet?? It seems by recording a song which is basically a conversation between you (R. Kelly) and your mate Usher. Utter comedy as the two realise they have been banging the same girl. I won't ruin the ending but it would put Seinfeld to shame! Also hilariously enough Usher refers to R.Kelly as Kells throughout the song. It's like he's talking to a pet.

Yes I realise my blog is now pretty much exclusively about R.Kelly but isn't that a good thing?

Peace

Steve

Caption Competition

Hey kiddies, I just uploaded a shed load of photos to my Facebook account, ALL WITH CAPTIONS. I captioned my photos once and people seemed to enjoy it and now I can't stop. It's alot of pressure. Please comment along with me, it'll be like having a conversation but better because we won't actually have to look at each other. And if you're not my Facebook friend... Why not? Is it because you're a creepy weirdo? I don't know, you tell me. BE MY FRIEND.

I'm off to watch Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip. Happy commenting.

Peace

Steve

100 Words

Here is an oldy from the files. It was written for a 100 word short story writing exercise / competition.

Mortimer was a monocle wearing crab of renowned intelligence. Creatures from across the ocean sought out his wisdom. He taught sharks haiku, whales how to dress like a mod, giant squids interpretive dance and conducted a dolphin choir in a rendition of R.Kelly’s urban opera ‘Trapped in the Closet’. However, he felt unfulfilled. He felt a need to journey to the world of humans to test himself. Gibble, a starfish who enjoyed Connect 4, begged him to stay but failed in his pleas. Mortimer was eventually eaten by fluent dutch speaker and Saved By the Bell star Mark-Paul Gosselaar.

I think I won.

Look out tomorrow night. Rhodri's R-Themed Coach Party. I think R.Kelly may have finally escaped from that closet.

Peace

Steve

DO NOT PASS GO

Proving that I am not some sort of crazy and that I actually very much have my fingers on the Hollywood pulse it turns out Ridley Scott is making a movie version of Monopoly (Page 19 of the current issue of Empire). I have oft joked about this in the past but it seems that maybe I truly am some sort of creative visionary genius. Look for the announcement of James Cameron's attachment to a Furby adaptation any day now. In other ridiculous news the 'My Super Sweet 16 Movie' is on MTV tomorrow night. Yes, a movie based on the 'not at all in touch with reality' TV show. You don't believe me? Go Here. Rowdy Roddy Piper is in it. You know it can't be good. Confusingly enough Hellogoodbye feature. I can definitely see myself watching this at some point. I did watch Cheaper By The Dozen 2.

Hollyoaks was pretty heavy today moving away from comedy anorexia to boring speeches about anorexia. Skins did it much better. Still, to balance all the heaviness possibly the greatest plot development in the history of the show took place... Leo's secret children!! How do they keep coming up with such fresh and exciting ideas?

In other news my brother has gone off to university. This leaves me an only child for the next three and a bit weeks. I think I already have slight only child syndrome. My Dad refused to buy me a horse and I am quite ratty about it.

Peace
Steve