X-Factor Final Preview

Hey Blog Friends. Sorry about the length of time since the last update. I think I mentioned but I'm temping again but this time in the wacky world of retail. Face to face, eye to eye, mano e mano motherfucking customer service. To be honest it's kind of mentally exhausting. I won't go into details but it reminds me why it has been so long since I last braved the shop floor. Still, I get to meet plenty of characters and I've never been more informed about mobile phones. Anyway, I'm going to get back into the blog swing and start with some short posts to regain my momentum.

Tomorrow is of course the final of the X-Factor. Some of you may shriek in delight, others may stare into the dark empty void that the absence of the program will leave in your existence. Whatever your opinion it's going to happen and by the end of this weekend we will have a new champion. Here's my personal guide to your betting options.

Cher Lloyd (1000/1)
The only way Cher will win is if the other contestants hold a joint press conference on Saturday morning and announce they are all active supporters of the BNP, backing the increase in tuition fees and all feel The Weasel should have made it to the final.

One Direction (5 /1)
It's difficult to gage support for the boys as they've never been in any trouble. The sheer volume of their fans seems to have propelled them through. People have their own individual favourites (We like the one who just hums) but I still can't see any band overcoming the personality contest aspect of the show. Could be worth a cheeky punt though.

Rebecca ' Fergie' Ferguson (3/1)
Yes she has a great soulful voice, a (VOMIT) recording voice but is it just me or has she been kind of boring since maybe the third or fourth week. I'm sure she's a lovely person and a devoted Mother and she deserves to be singing professionally but I've never been excited by anything she's done.

Matt Cardle (2/1)
Word on the street would place Matt as the favourite. He reminds me of my old favourite of many a moon ago Diana Vickers in that when he sings I am woken from my coma of cynicism and actually properly listen to the song. He actually has something unique and doesn't have the factory line easy marketing appeal of the others. The most potential to make a song I'll actually listen to. For me it has to be Matt as this year's winner. Also I think Dannii has firmly established herself as the judge with the least stupid opinions so it'd be good if she won.

Peace,

Steve

A Buffer Buffy Buffet

Apologies for the lack of updates. I'm temping again (This time selling phones!). This of course means less free time and less free time means less blogging - I really need to get my priorities straight don't you think?

Weird nerd news of the week is that Buffy is being rebooted in a new film not starring Sarah Michelle Gellar and without any involvement from series and character creator Joss Whedon. There has of course been a Buffy movie before but in all honesty that doesn't bare much resemblance to the series that defined the pop culture icon. I think it's all a truly terrible idea.

I'm not against reboots and re-tellings (see my recent Spider-Man related post) especially when they involve a translation to another medium but in this case something smells wrong. Maybe those behind the film underestimate the fans. As a comic fan my loyalty is to the books and the films will always be in comparison to them. Here the comparison is to a very recent television series where the audience will be the hardcore fans of the original. What I'm trying to say is that there will be a whole lot more people pissed off with any misstep and they'll be a lot easier to spot.

Buffy was always going to get remade eventually but I definitely thought it would take longer than 7 years. Maybe Buffy will be hunting the vampires from the Twilight films. This would definitely be the weirdest attempt to cash in on the whole sexy vampire trend.

Here's Whedon's response to the whole thing. It's all very funny and tongue in cheek. I think he'll be too busy smashing the box office with The Avengers to care.

Peace,

Steve

Things I Like Week: Couscous

Things I Like Week: Couscous

I kind of hinted that I was going to drop you one of my legendary recipes this week but really I don't have that many of them so I'm going to give you half of one. To be honest it's not even really a recipe. I just want to say that I really kind of like couscous. You just put it in a bowl and then add boiling water and then put some clear foil over the top - it's that easy! Of course if you want a real kick then you can juice and then grate a Lemon over the top for a bit of a zing. What you don't want to do is just peel the lemon into very large strips and then dump them on top of the couscous. As much as I wanted this to be zesting it's not actually true. Also, if you are going to have couscous you probably want to have it accompany something as couscous alone might be considered kind of dull - unless you're Liam.

The first episode of Peep Show Series 7 is online on 4OD a week ahead of its air date. Head to the site to check it out now! Hopefully I'll have a peek tonight.

That is I'll watch it after I get back from Harry Potter. I'm one of the few who haven't read the books so I'm less sure of what to expect here. I'm basically hoping that even though it's part 1 of 2 the film will have a genuine ending. Not another Pirates of the Caribbean fiasco. The Potter films have been decent enough in general with this kind of thing so I live in hope. If anyone else is going to see it I'd like to suggest it might be quite funny to go up to anyone wearing glasses and say 'nice costume'. They really should have done special 3D Harry Potter glasses. Missed a trick.

Peace,

Steve

Things I Like Week: Blatant Product Placement

Things I Like Week: Blatant Product Placement

I'm not anti-product placement if that's what it takes for great shoes to stay on the air then let Michael Scott use a Mac or Jack Donaghy eat a McFlurry. When done well it can actually be part of a great joke - Burger King sponsoring scandal makers on Arrested Development and then Ron Howard's narration backing up the great taste of BK. When it's done right the product fills a role in the script rather than the script being made to fit the product.

However, I also quite like it when the product placement is done in a horrifically obvious and quite offensive to our intelligence way. Check out this clip from US Soap 'Days of Our Lives' where two characters are far more concerned with the nutritional advantages of Cheerios than anything as silly as the plot.



Thanks to Ken Levine for bringing this to my attention on his excellent screenwriting blog.

Peace,

Steve

Today's Blog Post was brought to you by BLUE THUNDER! The all new energy drink with added BLUECOSE!

Things I Like Week: The American Office

Things I Like Week: The American Office

I've gone into detail in print on why I love The American Office. I think when I wrote this article it was only in like the third series and now it's in the seventh and still going strong. Back then I attributed the show's continued success to the development of the supporting characters. I think I was right. The show is at a stage now where some of the so called minor characters are even more interesting than the main characters. *SPOILER ALERT* Next season Michael Scott (the US equivalent of David Brent played by Steve Carrell if you didn't know) is leaving and I'm pretty confident the show will survive what would in any other case be a concept destroying loss. If Andy and Erin's love story is still going by then I'm sure I'll still be on the hook. I guess the only question is who is going to step up as boss? There's been talk of an 'outside hire' as it were but I'm hoping someone will step-up from within. Jim would be the obvious choice but then again The Office rarely go down that route.

Anyway, Series 5 is now showing on Comedy Central. I'm not going to do the hard sell but if you enjoyed the original there's no way it won't be up your alley. For my mind 30 Rock is the only other show on TV competing for sheer quality and laughs per episode.



Peace,

Steve

Things I Like Week: Aiden's Reaction

So this week I'm going to celebrate a different thing that I like each day. I'm going to mix it up between films, TV, music, etc. Maybe I'll even throw in a recipe. I am renowned for my cooking skills.

Things I Like Week: Aiden's Reaction
Yeah it's Monday and I'm sticking with the X-Factor water cooler bullshit because I feel like Aiden deserves some props. I'm not going to go on about the whole mechanics of the competition and if he deserved to go or not (I quite like him and The Weasel definitely should have been out of there) instead it's his reaction that I enjoyed. He didn't react like a boring brainwashed drone whittling on about how this isn't the last you'll hear of them and how they're still going to keep following their dream. He was understandably gutted to have gotten so far and lost to this annoying interchangeable bore. When Dermot asked him if he was surprised he answered honestly that he'd heard he was in trouble via Twitter. By the by Dermot's whole party line response was quite rude and makes his whole chummy with the acts schtick seem a lot more fake. Finally instead of outlining some Hitleresque plot to dominate the globe he said he was going for a beer. It might not do him any good with the Heat magazine interviews and Xtra Factor bollocks but it left me with a good deal more esteem for the lad. Congratulations Aiden - you got liked.

Peace,

Steve
 

Friday Feeling Feeling of the Week: Fear

Willow Smith - Whip My Hair ( Official Video HD )
Uploaded by tyhansofficiel. - See the latest featured music videos.

This week's Friday Feeling Feeling of the Week is Fear. I fear that Willow Smith's (Daughter of Will and member of the most talented family on Earth) new rap sensation 'Whip My Hair' will become the next big thing that everyone is talking about. I fear that I won't be able to get on the bus or do a dance in the club without someone going and whipping their hair all up in my grill. It's not that I have anything against Willow Smith - if anything she's setting a good example for her Dad and her brother and I don't have anything against the concept of whipping hair. It's just that I fear getting left behind. My hair is very short and it tends to always be quite short. What I'm saying is that I can't really whip my hair. If I try and whip my hair it kind of looks like I'm headbanging. I'm sorry Willow Smith. I wish you all the success in the world. I just don't want to live in a world where my inability to whip my hair makes me a social outcast.

The above horrendous photo is from probably the last time I could whip my hair.

If you'd like to feel some more fear then the second episode of The Walking Dead is on FX tonight at 10. It got off to a superb start last week and as well as the gore and drama it has the lead guy from Teachers doing an American accent. I've already series linked this mofo.

Peace,

Steve

Hey Steve Lawrence, What you doing Flo Rida?

I love Flo Rida. He clearly doesn't care for the conventions of normal society. I have to admit though that I find the beginning of his collaboration with The Saturdays quite confusing.

It's basically Flo asking the girls what they're up to on Saturday (They reply in song). He names each Saturday individually which I think is a really nice touch as to be fair I doubt even The Saturdays know what each member of the band is called. What confuses me is he also names himself as if he's asking himself what he's up to on Saturday along with them. You could suggest he was talking to himself but it doesn't seem likely as The Saturdays are there with him. Maybe he doesn't realise he is actually Flo Rida. Either that or the guy doing the intro isn't Flo Rida but is actually his evil twin Ala Bama.

Good episode of The Apprentice last night - the marketing tasks never fail to disappoint. How do they always mess it up so horrifically? Would anyone in their right mind make a household cleaner in red and black. It looked like poison. The adverts were also pretty horrendous but that's standard. Kudos to Sugar Daddy for some of his lines in the boardroom.
'You were all over this like a tramp on chips.'
I would love to be Alan Sugar's personal scriptwriter.

Peace,

Steve

The Shocking Not Quite Return of Metro Man

This morning I was writing about the new DreamWorks Animation super-villain comedy Megamind for my monthly film preview column for Gallery. I was getting the usual details - director, writers, stars (This thing has a hell of a cast) and plot synopsis. I was making my notes when I came across a character name that seemed oddly familiar. Megamind's hero nemesis is called Metro-Man. Now I knew I'd heard this somewhere before and despite my encyclopedic knowledge of Marvel and DC Comics I'm pretty sure it wasn't in any comic book. Then it dawned on me. Metro-Man was the super-hero created by male beauty Sam in the 'Create Your Own Super-Hero Character' challenge during Season 3 of the ultimate social experiment Beauty & The Geek. I'm not going to suggest Megamind ripped off the genius of club promoter Sam as their character's power isn't I presume breakdancing and George Hamilton's tanning spray but it's a weird coincidence.



It's nice to see that Sam is still acting. Amazingly enough he was in Little Giants and Boy Meets World.

Peace,

Steve

A-Ha and Welcome Back!

Hello again friends. Sorry for the lack of blogging this week. I've had a few other pressing things come up and press me to do them. So Blatantly the big news of the day is that A-HA Partridge is back!



It is sponsored by Fosters but that hasn't seemed to have changed the output at all. In fact in this day and age I think it makes sense for Alan to have regressed to such a level that he'd only be available on digital radio or on the internet. Hopefully, Lynn or Michael might pop their heads in either that or this could provide a launch pad to a new series. With 'The Trip' starting last Monday on BBC2 it seems there will be lots of Steve Coogan goodness for the weeks to come. This is opposed to roles in questionable films that don't make the most of his undoubted talent.

Speaking of new series Red Dwarf has been commissioned for a new one. To be honest I found the recent Dave specials quite lacking in the kind of bite the old series had but hopefully giving them the luxury of a full series will allow the show to go back to basics.

I'm trying to Tweet more once again. Twit away at me on steveolawrence.

Finally, I have a new follower. Let's all join hands and welcome The Flamingo of Oppression (Great name!) to the fold. Have a good weekend everyone and if you're going to a bonfire please try not to put your face too close to the glowy red stuff.

Peace,

Steve

Halloween Movie Week - The Mist

For the final day of the week I'm going to go for a real favourite and the first Stephen King adaptation of the week.

Day 5 - The Mist

Sorry Mr. Kubrick but Frank Darabont is the official master of Stephen King adaptations with The Shawshank Redemption, The Green Mile and The Mist under his belt. It's because he gets what the Master of Horror is all about. Certain critics attack King for his style and over reliance on plot but when he gets it right King is all about character. The Shining, Shawshank and even Stand By Me aren't about external threats but about character interaction and how these people play off each other. In his best horror efforts the external conflicts represent the inner conflicts of the characters.

In The Mist all these strengths are played up. A group of people trapped in a supermarket by a mysterious threat soon turn on each other as the threat outside escalates. The great thing that Darabont really manages to convey is that the true evil and the real horror is the result of the actions of these people and not the bugs and octopuses and other Lovecraftesque nightmares rampaging outside.

It's a brilliant film crafted by a director at the top of his game. There are genuinely scary moments, real character drama and a thought provoking message. It also has an unrelentingly bleak ending. I think it fits with the piece but I've known others to disagree and become a little depressed because of it.

In other Frank Darabont news he is behind the TV adaptation of The Walking Dead. Premiering on FX on November 5th in the UK. If it's anything like the comic it'll be insanely brilliant.

Have a great weekend. If you're wondering how I'm celebrating Halloween I'll be watching Paranormal Activity 2 tonight, dressing as a zombie mime tomorrow and then watching An American Wereworlf in London on Sunday.

Peace,

Steve

A Few Thoughts On A Wednesday

Sorry for the lack of updates. I've suddenly found myself between Gallery deadlines writing about Zach Galifianakis, Female Genital Mutilation and Galactic Gigolo (It's a real thing). It'll all become clear when the issue is out.

A few thoughts on the day's big (not big) news.

- Exciting news today as the Piranha sequel was announced under the title Piranha 3DD (Like Boobs!). It's set for August next year which is a pretty fast turn around and has a couple of the Saw writers attached. Surely you can't over complicate Piranha can you?

- Anyone still watching Hollyoaks? I think it's enjoying a renaissance - secret families, unconvincing cross-dressing and confused predatory gang boss homosexuals. Plus *SPOILER ALERT* Warren is coming back from the dead to raise some hell. It might be confusing at first but I think it's time to get back on board.

- I watched Real Madrid v AC Milan. Nice to watch a match without that depressing sense of dread or some over hyped backstory about ungrateful overpaid overgrown children. Jose Mourinho has assembled a team and got them playing his style in very quick fashion and as much as I hate to admit it Cristiano Ronaldo was awesome.  

- Back to Lancaster at the weekend for some hot fresh Korfball action. I hope no one is intimidated by the fact I have now played in an international Korfball match. I also hope my foot stops hurting before then.

- Finally, today's picture is a Marvel meets Tron variant cover. Ultimate Nerdgasm!

Peace,

Steve

From The Ritz to the Glamour

Calling all Londoners! This Thursday you have a rare opportunity to experience some Steveitude in the flesh. It's on Thursday night upstairs at The Ritzy in Brixton. I have a sketch competing against two other sketches in the finals of The Ritzy Cup. It's very exciting - real comedians performing something I wrote for a group of people who've actually paid for the opportunity to be there. Actually, there more likely to be paying to see Abandoman, David Whitney and Matthew Highton but the important thing is they'll actually have paid. Anyway, if you're in London and you're free on Thursday night PLEASE go along and laugh very hard at my sketch (It's about Michael Myers - star of the Halloween franchise) and not so hard at the sketches it's going up against. All the details on the above poster. I wouldn't heckle David Whitney if I was you, he's currently facing charges for head-butting a heckler. For those not in London the sketches are being filmed and hopefully I'll have a link for you sooner rather than later.

So how was your weekend? I'm still feeling tired which normally indicates a good one. I can heartily recommend The Social Network. Brilliant stuff. Here's my usual X-Factor Monday thoughts:

- I was glad to hear a few wild proclamations this week. Simon suggesting One Direction were the best band in the world today was a good one. That's pretty good going given they've only been together for about two weeks. Hopefully this'll be the kick in the ass bands who've been working on their craft for years like The Arctic Monkeys and The Kings of Leon need to get their acts together.

- I found Cher's performance mildly less annoying than last week. I'm still a bit scared to watch her though. She looks like an angry skeleton with her limbs flailing around like that. Kind of like a Halloween decoration.

- I would pay good money for the Wagner vs Mary sex-tape. Especially if Dermot still had to do the post sex interviews. The XXX Factor? Too obvious I think.

- It was all a bit predictable this week. I think we need another twist. Maybe all the contestants could have to care for an egg for a week. They could draw a face on it and give it a name. If they lose or break the egg then maybe a different mentor could pick their song.

If any Londoners do decide to go please let me know how it all goes down. My brother will be there so say 'hi' to him. He looks like me but more Chinese.

Peace,

Steve

Rejected Sitcom Ideas: Baby Out With the Bathwater

Here's the first in a new series of rejected sitcom ideas. Sometimes I like to start with a title and work back from there.


Baby Out With the Bathwater
John Bathwater is the ultimate bachelor. All he's ever known is a playboy lifestyle of the planet's finest things, utmost luxuries and sexiest women. But that's about to change...
When John's older brother and his wife die in a horrific car accident he's left as their 6 month old son's sole guardian. Left holding the baby, John faces the choice of either fitting the child  into his way of life or changing his way of life to fit the child.

If you'd like to buy the rights please contact me with your offer. I really like Steak McCoy's so that might be something to think about.

There's also a new featured blog on our sidebar. Check out Celeste's Sci-Fi, Fantasy, Comics and other good things blog. Go here for some book banging.

Peace,

Steve

  

X-Factor Extra Extra: Reload

Hey there blog fans. Hope you enjoyed 'March of the Robots'. So far we've had nearly a hundred hits which presuming every single person watched it with 10 to 15 of their closest friends mean 1000 people have seen the film. If for some reason you haven't seen it (Seriously - What's your fucking problem?) then you can check it out here. Hurry along now.

Monday of course means X-Factor Extra Extra. Then ancillary show to the ancillary show that is in no way affiliated with the actual X-Factor. Basically, here are some observations from Saturday and Sunday's lean mean three and a half hours (Christ) of super hot singer on audience action.

- The twist was extremely predictable.Wouldn't it be cooler if the judges could gunge a contestant after a bad performance? If anything reality TV doesn't have enough ritual humiliation.

- The choice of 'Number Ones' for the theme was also pretty uninspiring. How about 'UK Garage Week' featuring So Solid Crew, Craig David, Oxide & Neutrino and DJ Luck & MC Neat or 'Orson Week'?

- After Cher's quite irritating Professor Green song Louis Walsh commented 'that could be a hit single'. It was a hit single... very recently. It's Number Ones week.

- The judges' table seems to have been raised a couple of inches to hide Louis' erection when One Direction hit the stage.

- Wouldn't it be a great twist if Diva Fever turned out to be straight?

Anyway, a solid enough start to the competition. Please God let there be less of it next week.

Peace,

Steve

Sugar Rush

The Apprentice is back! This means I have a reason to post my determined briefcase wanker photo. Sadly even with this photo and my sterling CV of film journalism, kiwi picking and temping I wasn't selected for the new series. Instead you'll have to watch other egotistical bastards babble incomprehensibly about their business acumen and make the type of business decision that an ignorant child with low self esteem and high blood pressure because they never had the chance to have a dog listen to them read would make. Personally, I can't wait. Also, am I the only one who sings along to the theme tune with their own made-up words - 'who will carry the briefcase? who will answer the phone? who will get fired will it be you?'

The big announcement I've been ruthlessly teasing you about all week is coming up tomorrow. I'm genuinely quite excited about this. It feels like I'm actually doing something rather than just shouting random opinions about X-Factor into the abyss (Don't worry this will continue).

Also, I have a new follower. That's 5! Welcome Celeste. It's always delightful to find a new follower or receive a comment so please indulge yourselves. Even if you're a French guy wondering what the hell you're looking at. It's all good.

Peace,

Steve

You Have Chosen A Three Wood

Greetings friends, fans and spambots and welcome to an all new week at the Fortress of Steveitude. We've got some fun stuff coming up this week including Jose Franco on Educational Reform and possibly the beginning of something that I've been looking forward to for a long time. Alternatively, I might just bitch and moan about last night's X-Factor. Seriously - what was Cheryl thinking? It's definitely a tad egotistical to put an exact copy of yourself through. I wonder if Cheryl looks at herself every morning in the mirror and says 'I see something special in you lass.' Also, is it me or was Will.i.am dressed as a Nazi officer?

All soul sucking reality TV aside this weekend has been all about the Ryder Cup for me. Why is golf so much more exciting when it's a team sport? (Though I'm not sure about the chanting.) Enjoy this classic Simpsons clip for a more standard reaction.



Peace,

Steve

Adolf Shitler

This is definitely something to look forward to. Also, as a fan of trailers in general I am delighted by the concept of a pre-trailer.

Peace,

Steve

Stoop Kids

Move it football head!

Today we had a reminisce about the classic TV shows from our youth and how the current crop could never stand shoulder to shoulder with the likes of Teen Angel, Hangtime and Kenan & Kel. One of the shows we talked about was Hey Arnold. An incredible show and looking back quite a weird and subversive one too. What was with all the jazz? Anyway, whilst discussing Arnold, Gerald and Helga I had quite a sobering thought. Arnold was set in a tough Brooklyn neighbourhood with poor schooling and a decaying infrastructure. Statistics would suggest that a large percentage of these kids have fallen into crime or drugs (Definitely the bully character) and many of them are probably part of gangs. I guess what I'm pitching here is a Wire-esque 'Where Are They Now' show dealing with the realities of inner city life. I would watch it.

Peace

Steve

Deadly Man

So by some weird twist of fate last night I ended up watching the second half of an episode of Danny Dyer's Deadliest Men 2. It wasn't really what I was expecting it to be. As is his way, Danny went to live with a man called Steve in Blackpool who is apparently Britain's hardest bouncer. So far, so derivative right? As part of the show Danny agreed to spend a night on the door with Steve. This is where things started to get really fucking strange.

Steve has had to chuck out some 'tough slags' in his time and he has even encountered a few death threats. A little scary but nothing to put off cockney gangster Danny Dyer. Or at least that is what you'd think. Dyer completely freaks out. He constructs a weird disguise by dying his hair blonde, putting on glasses and then dressing as a bouncer. He then decides he feels too much of a tosser and takes off the glasses and puts on a hat. At this point he is Danny Dyer wearing a hat which is not so great as a disguise (The fact he is being followed by a TV crew is also a bit of a giveaway). Dyer then eventually ditches his crew and manages for a while to go unnoticed. This is hilarious as he hears numerous people slag off both him and his films and throws a bit of a hissy (To be fair his films are by and large garbage. I like Severance though).

Anyway, after whining and crying and generally acting like a complete psycho Dyer eventually makes it to the door. Here he acts suspiciously towards everyone who comes into the club. He thinks they're all carrying knifes and all are out to get him. A group of lads see through his clever hat disguise and ask to have their photo taken with him. Danny acts like they've surrounded him with assault rifles and drawn lots to see who gets to rape him first.

Basically I'm worried about Danny. He can't seem to differentiate between real life and the tough gangster world of every movie he's ever been in. Yes we live in a dangerous world but every single person on the planet isn't out to get you. Guy Ritchie? Vinnie Jones? Whoever his friends are need to sit him down and get him to sort his head out before Danny Dyer goes completely off the deep end and becomes one of the deadly men he has dedicated his life to studying.

Know what I mean?

Peace

Steve