Five Blogs of Christmas: I Just Had Sex

This is more like a Christmas present from me to me. I love The Lonely Island, I also kind of love Akon. That's why I'm so happy they've got together and made a song. This is kind of what every Akon song is about just put much more simply.

Peace,

Steve

Five Blogs of Christmas: Johnny Depp The Italian Christmas Donkey

This is one of my all time favourite Christmas songs. It's really weird but also hugely catchy. One of the only problems is that because the song is such an old classic it doesn't have a music video to call its own. There are a couple of generic efforts up on the old You Tube but they're kind of boring. Instead I present to you a completely FUCKING BIZARRE effort setting the song to a montage of clips of Johnny Depp. I'm not sure who is responsible for this but I'm pretty sure they're treading that fine line between genius and insanity.

Peace,

Steve

X-Factor Final Preview

Hey Blog Friends. Sorry about the length of time since the last update. I think I mentioned but I'm temping again but this time in the wacky world of retail. Face to face, eye to eye, mano e mano motherfucking customer service. To be honest it's kind of mentally exhausting. I won't go into details but it reminds me why it has been so long since I last braved the shop floor. Still, I get to meet plenty of characters and I've never been more informed about mobile phones. Anyway, I'm going to get back into the blog swing and start with some short posts to regain my momentum.

Tomorrow is of course the final of the X-Factor. Some of you may shriek in delight, others may stare into the dark empty void that the absence of the program will leave in your existence. Whatever your opinion it's going to happen and by the end of this weekend we will have a new champion. Here's my personal guide to your betting options.

Cher Lloyd (1000/1)
The only way Cher will win is if the other contestants hold a joint press conference on Saturday morning and announce they are all active supporters of the BNP, backing the increase in tuition fees and all feel The Weasel should have made it to the final.

One Direction (5 /1)
It's difficult to gage support for the boys as they've never been in any trouble. The sheer volume of their fans seems to have propelled them through. People have their own individual favourites (We like the one who just hums) but I still can't see any band overcoming the personality contest aspect of the show. Could be worth a cheeky punt though.

Rebecca ' Fergie' Ferguson (3/1)
Yes she has a great soulful voice, a (VOMIT) recording voice but is it just me or has she been kind of boring since maybe the third or fourth week. I'm sure she's a lovely person and a devoted Mother and she deserves to be singing professionally but I've never been excited by anything she's done.

Matt Cardle (2/1)
Word on the street would place Matt as the favourite. He reminds me of my old favourite of many a moon ago Diana Vickers in that when he sings I am woken from my coma of cynicism and actually properly listen to the song. He actually has something unique and doesn't have the factory line easy marketing appeal of the others. The most potential to make a song I'll actually listen to. For me it has to be Matt as this year's winner. Also I think Dannii has firmly established herself as the judge with the least stupid opinions so it'd be good if she won.

Peace,

Steve

Things I Like Week: Aiden's Reaction

So this week I'm going to celebrate a different thing that I like each day. I'm going to mix it up between films, TV, music, etc. Maybe I'll even throw in a recipe. I am renowned for my cooking skills.

Things I Like Week: Aiden's Reaction
Yeah it's Monday and I'm sticking with the X-Factor water cooler bullshit because I feel like Aiden deserves some props. I'm not going to go on about the whole mechanics of the competition and if he deserved to go or not (I quite like him and The Weasel definitely should have been out of there) instead it's his reaction that I enjoyed. He didn't react like a boring brainwashed drone whittling on about how this isn't the last you'll hear of them and how they're still going to keep following their dream. He was understandably gutted to have gotten so far and lost to this annoying interchangeable bore. When Dermot asked him if he was surprised he answered honestly that he'd heard he was in trouble via Twitter. By the by Dermot's whole party line response was quite rude and makes his whole chummy with the acts schtick seem a lot more fake. Finally instead of outlining some Hitleresque plot to dominate the globe he said he was going for a beer. It might not do him any good with the Heat magazine interviews and Xtra Factor bollocks but it left me with a good deal more esteem for the lad. Congratulations Aiden - you got liked.

Peace,

Steve
 

Hey Steve Lawrence, What you doing Flo Rida?

I love Flo Rida. He clearly doesn't care for the conventions of normal society. I have to admit though that I find the beginning of his collaboration with The Saturdays quite confusing.

It's basically Flo asking the girls what they're up to on Saturday (They reply in song). He names each Saturday individually which I think is a really nice touch as to be fair I doubt even The Saturdays know what each member of the band is called. What confuses me is he also names himself as if he's asking himself what he's up to on Saturday along with them. You could suggest he was talking to himself but it doesn't seem likely as The Saturdays are there with him. Maybe he doesn't realise he is actually Flo Rida. Either that or the guy doing the intro isn't Flo Rida but is actually his evil twin Ala Bama.

Good episode of The Apprentice last night - the marketing tasks never fail to disappoint. How do they always mess it up so horrifically? Would anyone in their right mind make a household cleaner in red and black. It looked like poison. The adverts were also pretty horrendous but that's standard. Kudos to Sugar Daddy for some of his lines in the boardroom.
'You were all over this like a tramp on chips.'
I would love to be Alan Sugar's personal scriptwriter.

Peace,

Steve

For Fawkes Sake

In my first thirty minutes of being awake this morning I'd heard 'Fireworks' by Katy Perry three times. I'm not complaining, I find Miss Perry and her pop stylings quite delightful. I think I had to hear the song played another three times before I realised exactly why I was hearing it so much today. Congratulations to Katy's Marketing team for creating what I imagine to be the first intentional Bonfire night anthem. Look next year for my song 'Boom! Boom! Bang! Bang! Ooooooh! Aaaaaah!'

Peace,

Steve

Shy Ronnie FX

Rihanna & Shy Ronnie from Mathieu Carratier on Vimeo.

Back after a massive weekend of hardcore Lancaster korfing (It's not a sex thing. Click on the link if you don't know what I mean). It was weird being back after such a long time away. I think I had a little tear in my eye when I was sitting on the bus. Depressingly the majority of the current influx of freshers were 13 when I started my degree. Definitely starting to feel a bit old. I think I fooled them into thinking I was cool by constantly talking about the Tinie Tempahs and Flo-Rida. We were staying with the man, the myth, the legend - George Lincoln and he reminded me of the above video. I kind of think this is what Rihanna would be like in person. Happy Sunday everyone. Back next week with build up to Halloween and horror films!

Peace,

Steve

From The Ritz to the Glamour

Calling all Londoners! This Thursday you have a rare opportunity to experience some Steveitude in the flesh. It's on Thursday night upstairs at The Ritzy in Brixton. I have a sketch competing against two other sketches in the finals of The Ritzy Cup. It's very exciting - real comedians performing something I wrote for a group of people who've actually paid for the opportunity to be there. Actually, there more likely to be paying to see Abandoman, David Whitney and Matthew Highton but the important thing is they'll actually have paid. Anyway, if you're in London and you're free on Thursday night PLEASE go along and laugh very hard at my sketch (It's about Michael Myers - star of the Halloween franchise) and not so hard at the sketches it's going up against. All the details on the above poster. I wouldn't heckle David Whitney if I was you, he's currently facing charges for head-butting a heckler. For those not in London the sketches are being filmed and hopefully I'll have a link for you sooner rather than later.

So how was your weekend? I'm still feeling tired which normally indicates a good one. I can heartily recommend The Social Network. Brilliant stuff. Here's my usual X-Factor Monday thoughts:

- I was glad to hear a few wild proclamations this week. Simon suggesting One Direction were the best band in the world today was a good one. That's pretty good going given they've only been together for about two weeks. Hopefully this'll be the kick in the ass bands who've been working on their craft for years like The Arctic Monkeys and The Kings of Leon need to get their acts together.

- I found Cher's performance mildly less annoying than last week. I'm still a bit scared to watch her though. She looks like an angry skeleton with her limbs flailing around like that. Kind of like a Halloween decoration.

- I would pay good money for the Wagner vs Mary sex-tape. Especially if Dermot still had to do the post sex interviews. The XXX Factor? Too obvious I think.

- It was all a bit predictable this week. I think we need another twist. Maybe all the contestants could have to care for an egg for a week. They could draw a face on it and give it a name. If they lose or break the egg then maybe a different mentor could pick their song.

If any Londoners do decide to go please let me know how it all goes down. My brother will be there so say 'hi' to him. He looks like me but more Chinese.

Peace,

Steve

Coming or Going

Why doesn't anyone else make videos like OK Go? As if they hadn't already cemented their place in history for 'Here It Goes Again' they then go and do this. It puts all those lazy artists doing literal interpretations or slut-fest videos to shame. The only problem with OK Go's videos is that they tend to overshadow their by and large excellent songs. Check out 'Get Over It' from their self titled debut album. It made it to the dizzy heights of number 21 in the UK Charts about eight years ago so I'll forgive you for not knowing it. OK? Go!

No response from the government regarding yesterday's post. I will take this as a cowardly acknowledgement that I am right. Steve 1 Government 0.

Today I managed to zip my shirt into my jacket. It was unfortunate. Not as unfortunate a wardrobe malfunction as going into a meeting and accidentally taking a women's jacket instead of my own and then having to go back to the meeting to swap. I won't name any names but for those who have been reading the blog you can probably guess. 'What have you done?'

Finally, London readers of the blog should keep next Thursday free in their diaries. An announcement is forthcoming when I confirm all the details. Maybe check out the tube schedules for Brixton...

Peace,

Steve

X-Factor Extra Extra: Reload

Hey there blog fans. Hope you enjoyed 'March of the Robots'. So far we've had nearly a hundred hits which presuming every single person watched it with 10 to 15 of their closest friends mean 1000 people have seen the film. If for some reason you haven't seen it (Seriously - What's your fucking problem?) then you can check it out here. Hurry along now.

Monday of course means X-Factor Extra Extra. Then ancillary show to the ancillary show that is in no way affiliated with the actual X-Factor. Basically, here are some observations from Saturday and Sunday's lean mean three and a half hours (Christ) of super hot singer on audience action.

- The twist was extremely predictable.Wouldn't it be cooler if the judges could gunge a contestant after a bad performance? If anything reality TV doesn't have enough ritual humiliation.

- The choice of 'Number Ones' for the theme was also pretty uninspiring. How about 'UK Garage Week' featuring So Solid Crew, Craig David, Oxide & Neutrino and DJ Luck & MC Neat or 'Orson Week'?

- After Cher's quite irritating Professor Green song Louis Walsh commented 'that could be a hit single'. It was a hit single... very recently. It's Number Ones week.

- The judges' table seems to have been raised a couple of inches to hide Louis' erection when One Direction hit the stage.

- Wouldn't it be a great twist if Diva Fever turned out to be straight?

Anyway, a solid enough start to the competition. Please God let there be less of it next week.

Peace,

Steve

Soundtrack Preview!

Not long to go now. Today here's a cheeky peek at the soundtrack provided by Jersey's finest rap collective Hiphoperation. When we were putting the film together I e-mailed Dan aka Turner Prize and asked him if he could write a song fitting the themes of the piece. Then it turned out he'd already done it. 

Technology by Hip Hoperation

Click on the link and go and have a listen. It's totally moist. Also please join the group here. Happy Friday!

Peace,

Steve

You Have Chosen A Three Wood

Greetings friends, fans and spambots and welcome to an all new week at the Fortress of Steveitude. We've got some fun stuff coming up this week including Jose Franco on Educational Reform and possibly the beginning of something that I've been looking forward to for a long time. Alternatively, I might just bitch and moan about last night's X-Factor. Seriously - what was Cheryl thinking? It's definitely a tad egotistical to put an exact copy of yourself through. I wonder if Cheryl looks at herself every morning in the mirror and says 'I see something special in you lass.' Also, is it me or was Will.i.am dressed as a Nazi officer?

All soul sucking reality TV aside this weekend has been all about the Ryder Cup for me. Why is golf so much more exciting when it's a team sport? (Though I'm not sure about the chanting.) Enjoy this classic Simpsons clip for a more standard reaction.



Peace,

Steve

Minor Characters From American Pie Week - Garage Band (Blink-182)

I've tried to mix it up a bit with these choices and today is no different. What the previous characters have in common is that they helped to ground the film's crazy antics in a more realistic context. Today is the complete opposite. Not really one character but three who give the film a weird meta-textual edge...

Minor Character(s) 4 - Garage Band (Blink-182)

This is a bit of a personal choice. I love Blink-182 and the fact that they appear in American Pie is kind of just delicious icing on the already iced cake (or pie). However, there is something quite bizarre about their appearance and not just the fact they have a pet monkey. For those not paying attention (or who were drunk at the time) they're included amongst the viewers of Jim's Nadia embarrassment on the video link-up. They don't do anything special it's just that whilst Jim is sprinting between his friends and his bedroom it's Blink's classic 'Mutt' playing over the top. This isn't a music video - why have the band on screen whilst the song plays? 'Random casting!' you shout. Maybe, maybe not. Maybe the self reference matched with the webcam sequence is the filmmakers suggesting that the internet is connecting people in such a way that we're now influencing each other subconsciously without even the need for communication. This has terrifying implications for you dear readers.

Fine, I could be stretching a bit here but you have to admit it's a little strange. I think it would have been cool if Blink had featured in the sequels. Their development as a band paralleling the boys development into adults. Oz does eventually become a bit of a dick kind of like Tom DeLonge circa Angels & Airwaves.

Peace,

Steve

More Naked Ladies

Hey there sports fans. Just a quick 'what is up' from the Wedding Tour. In Shrewsbury now for some parents on girlfriend's parents action. Barenaked Ladies (along with support from Joel Plaskett and Boothby Graffoe) were incredible on Monday night and if they're in your vicinity I implore you to check them out. Steven Page leaving the band seems to have given everyone else a little more room to shine and the BNL rocked a great mix of new songs, classics and slightly more obscure album tracks. Highlights include an acapella accompanied dance mix of Alicia Keys, Black Eyed Peas and Justin Bieber, Tyler Stewart stepping out from behind the drums for 'Alcohol' and a full band version of 'When I Fall'.

When else will you get the chance to hear The Big Bang Theory theme tune sung live by the guys who wrote it?

Peace,

Steve

Naked in Brighton and Weddings in the West Midlands

It's been a busy day at Steveitude Towers as we're packing up our bags and heading to the UK tomorrow for a week of frolics. We're in Brighton tomorrow until Tuesday for the purpose of seeing my favourite all time band The Barenaked Ladies in concert (For the first time without Steven Page). After that we head up to Shrewsbury with a Thursday night trip to Liverpool for the Europa League match against Steau Bucharest. Then on Friday it's the wedding of Mr. Simon Wray to Miss. Vicki Jones followed by party time on Saturday. I won't have my laptop with me so my blogging output might be severely reduced but from the week after. It's pretty exciting, Si and Vic have insisted they're not going to have Ushers at the wedding but in my twisted fantasy world it's the job I've been training for my whole life. Peace Up, A-Town Down!

Fantasy Football fans will also be delighted to know I played my Wild Card today and I'm ready to start dominating the league. Things are about to get a whole lot more Drogbalicious.

Peace,

Steve

39 Jerseys Later...

So another Jersey Live has come and gone. Another weekend of music, cider and over-priced food. For the 7th year in a row I had an awesome time.

It's interesting how the Festival has evolved. From the first year where you could waltz to the front barrier during the performance for Razorlight to the change to a 2 day Festival and now the multiple stages with a variety of different acts. This year it seemed to be only a few minor tweaks but the toilets seemed better positioned and drinks lines only seemed to be a problem in the Cider tent. I can't comment on the queing issues as we had arrived earlyish both days but I have to say the full body searches on pretty much every person seemed a bit much. Especially when the security guards took Paul's chewing gum. Confusing. I have heard some people complain about waiting for food but again I didn't experience this myself. Maybe because I opted against buying food on the Sunday after a confusingly worded sign led to me spending £9 on a Burrito and Wedges at Amigos on Saturday. Having recommended this stall in the past I can now safely stear people away from these rude and obnoxious rip-off merchants.



The main thing about a Music Festival always has to be the music. As I mentioned in my brief Festival preview there wasn't actually a huge amount I was looking forward to. The exception to this was Biffy Clyro and as expected they absolutely rocked it and for me were by far the best band of the weekend. I also have to say Paul Weller was far better than I was expecting and had everyone going pretty crazy with 'A Town Called Malice'. Professor Green managed to put on a more than competent live performance which can often be difficult when you're performing songs with lots of samples and rapping. The video above is Darwin Deez who put on an incredible performance including a number of dance breaks inbetween songs (Including a crab dance!). I would like to see more bands doing this in future. Can you imagine Thom Yorke shouting dance break and Radiohead then busting some choreographed dance moves to an ABBA song on the mainstage at Glastonbury? I can. Away from the Main Stage the Jersey bands provided plenty of entertainment on the Wild West Tease Stage (Which also had a very accessible bar!). Shout outs to The Mulburys, Hold Your Fire! (Who are playing at the 02 Arena next month! Nice one), Brave Yesterday, Frankie Davies and Hiphoperation who I admired from a distance. In my mind Rhodri Hart is the perfect spokesperson for Pear Wine.

I must also congratulate Tinie Tempah on saying 'Jersey' a whopping 39 times during his less than 30 minute set that included a Taio Cruz song. Hold me closer Tinie Tempah.

All in all I quite enjoyed freedom from my usual single minded desperation to see a long list of bands. It was enjoyable to just wander around and experience the Festival, sit on the grass and drink St Helier Cider. In this respect the glorious weather certainly helped. I think my energy levels are now recovering and I look forward to next year. Hopefully I'll see you there.

Peace,

Steve

Is It You or Me?

Here at Steveitude Towers we're getting in the mood for this weekend's Jersey Live Festival. I have to say there aren't really the same number of bands that I'm crazily excited to see as usual but it's hard to tell if this is me or the festival itself. Go back to a couple of years ago and I was struggling at Reading just to fit in all the bands I wanted to see all across the stages nowadays those little known bands I squeezed into tiny tents to catch a glimpse of seem to have either fallen off the face of the planet or become the big names rocking the main stage. I don't really know who their replacements are. I think this could be a good thing though as I should have time to enjoy the festival itself instead of stressing over who I'm getting to see.

The only band I'm massively excited to see are Biffy Clyro. Old stuff, new stuff, they're one of those rare bands where it doesn't really matter what they play I know I'm going to enjoy it (Though I would LOVE Justboy). Also, judging by the last couple of times I've seen them I know it's going to be an awesome show. The other band who would have joined them on this list are Hiphoperation but sadly the organisers have stuck them in the V.I.P tent where pretty much none of their fan base can go watch them .Good work guys!

Peace,

Steve

You Can't Take It With You

Happy Bank Holiday everyone. Whether you've been at a Music Festival watching the bands that defined my teenage years (I can't believe I missed Blink 182) or down the Portuguese Food Fair I hope you've had a good one.

Today we were conversing about death and taxidermy (I'm very dark) and an interesting point came up. Is it possible to leave something in your will to a famous public figure? For example, if someone was a huge Flo-Rida fan could they leave their fortune to Flo so he could use it to continue to put out hit records? You would of course have to be careful with Flo. He loves giant watches and unless you were very specific he might just spend all your earthly goods on acquiring yet another giant watch.

Seriously if anyone knows the answer to this question then hit me up in the comments or on Facebook. I am very keen to leave everything I own to a Hip-Hop star with more money than sense.

Peace,

Steve

Resist

Eddie Argos of Art Brut fame has recently launched a side project called Spoiler Alert where he and his band write and perform songs about DC Comics heroes. As you might imagine this is right up my alley. In researching this I came across his other side project Everybody Was In The French Resistance...Now. In a stroke of genius they offer responses to pop songs of the past. The above video is my favourite and is a response to the psycho stalker Avril Lavigne anthem 'Girlfriend'. Enjoy.

Peace,

Steve

Jiggy Jiggy Jiggy

It's another month and another new issue of Gallery. Check it out as always here. This month I totally have a boner for the new Tarantino flick and present my ultimate movie playlist. Of course it features Wild Wild West by Sir Will Smith a song that is by some margin more entertaining than the film it was 'inspired' by. It got me thinking. Obviously Will Smith is the greatest actor of his generation but few remember he is also the greatest musician of his generation too. In the past couple of years he has dialed back the music greatness refusing to soundtrack the films he headlines. Think how much better Ali, I Am Legend or Seven Pounds could have been if Will got jiggy with them. How about it Big Willy? We could even release Director's Cuts with the music in. Hit me back.

Peace

Steve