Fall Over

Just back from Reading and needless to say I'm completely exhausted. No time at the moment for a complete rundown of events but it was just as good as it always is. Great bands, Good Friends and Muchos Partying. Now everyone get a ticket for next year! If you get the opportunity to see the highlights look out for Fall Out Boy's cover of R.Kelly's Ignition (Remix). It pretty much made my life.

On the subject of Fall Out Boy some people complain about their lyrics not making sense. But I put this question to you... WHAT THE FUCK IS A WONDERWALL?

Peace

Steve

Be Kind, Rewind

The best movie of next year?

From the director of Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind and Science of Sleep (You should see it if you havn't yet) and starring Jack Black and Mos Def. The trailer is better than many films I have seen. Knocked Up and The Bourne Ultimatum are also two films you should go and see. What are you waiting for? Go!

Peace

Steve

Furby or not Furby

So I've noticed that there seems to be a bit of a craze for turning toy lines into live action movies. Consult previous posts for me gushing about how Transformers got it so very very right. At the other end of the spectrum there is Bratz being released next week. To be fair all I've seen of Bratz is the trailer. However, if this is anything but one of the worst movies of all time I'd be shocked. The aforementioned trailer paints it as a sort of pre pubescent Mean Girls, why would anyone want to see that? I say go for The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants. I havn't seen it but it is Jose Antonio Franco's Fourth favourite movie of all time.

So whats next??? Power Rangers already had a live action movie (Ivan Ooze!?!) but I'll save that memory for another time. I think Hollywood is missing a trick. Why hasn't Furby: The Movie been put into production. I'll save the writers some time. The occupants of the planet Furbis are dieing from Furpes disease. The Furbis High Council elect to send their mightiest warrior KooKaLahCha to find help from an uninfected Furby colony on Earth. His spacecraft is struck by a meteor and damaged. Our hero is forced to land in the garden of 12 year old Aaron. Using it's basically retarded communication skills KooKaLahCha must get Aaron to help him save his planet by finding the lost Furby city all the while fighting the effects of Ferpes. Along the way Aaron learns about friendship and love and what it means to truly be a hero. It's a light hearted action romp for all the family. Sean William Scott has already expressed an interest in voicing KooKaLahCha. Shia LaBouef could play Aaron even though he is clearly much older than 12. Jason Biggs is not being considered for any part. I see it as a Franchise - Sequels, A Cartoon, Christmas Specials (A Furby Christmas Carol) and all the assorted Tie-Ins. If Hollywood is lazy they could just release Gremlins again with a different poster.

Peace
Steve

Slammed

Going Away / Birthday Party Bonanza + Pendulum + The Splash + Camping = Hangover! I think there might be a cosine function in there somewhere but you get the basic picture. After this deadly combo, I spent this glorious sunny day lieing on the couch watching Sky Movies Family, to be more specific I watched Cheaper By The Dozen 2. I couldn't handle anything taxing and this movie is pretty much the definition of not taxing. The characters were incredibly broad and their respective arcs were blindingly obvious from the start, still, in the state I was in I was nearly brought to tears on more than one occassion. Overall, the movie has Hillary Duff in it so you can probably just watch it without the sound on and furiously masturbate. The title bothered me slightly. They should have called it 'Cheaperer By The Dozen' or 'Cheaper By The Two Dozen' or 'Cheaper By The Thirteen' or 'Space Crusade'. They're all good titles. Also I think that whatever film Eugene Levy is in he should play a Dad if I see him in a film I presume he is a Dad. I wish he was my Dad.

One of yesterday's Birthdays was Liams. As is now the tradition we buy him pornography. I say 'we', Laura bought the magazine I stood behind her and said 'this is because you fail to satisfy me'. I thought Escort was a classier magazine than that. I'm sure Liam's enjoying it anyway. Maybe next year we will make him a porno.

You should definitely watch Entourage and listen to the new Yellowcard album. Probably not at the same time though.

Peace

Steve

Prime Position

So the furore over Mr Potter has sort of died down and I still don't care. I'm not sure why. I have recently been trying to figure this out. It seems like something I should be into. I read some articles, one suggested the book's popularity came from the fact that it's basically a detective novel dressed up in magical robes and made-up words. It had a good point but see I like detective novels and I don't like Harry Potter. In the end I think it's just the central principle that bothers me. For something so incredibly popular its not exactly a very original idea. There is a sort of familiarity to the concept and you know what I decided... Harry Potter is basically X-Men except they all have the same power. True some use the power better than others but its basically the same thing. Think about it... it's either that or a rewriting of Star Wars! I'm not saying I'm a hater (yo), I liked the films and I really can't describe the disdain I feel for those who have tried to ruin it for those who do enjoy it, I'm just saying it's a craze thats passed me by and I can't quite say why.

Still put Harry Potter against a giant motherfucking Transforming robot and no spells going to save him!

Transformers was without doubt one of the greatest films I have ever seen! I'm an old school Transformers fan, Optimus Prime is sitting here on my desk right now, I watched the classic animated movie before going and I have to say I had my reservations. (Bay made Pearl Harbour for fucks sake!) Still, I was blown away. I lost count of the times the hairs on the back of my neck stood up and they don't just stand up for any old thing. Of course the action was big and loud and exciting but it also had laughter (watch and learn Eddie Murphy) and heart, shiney robot heart. Also its a good thing robots cant get erection because they would be destroying all sorts of buildings with Megan Fox running about. There are of course numerous geeky moments to enjoy like Optimus Prime and Megatron quoting the original animated movie dialogue from their climactic battle. In conclusion go and see it. If you don't enjoy it I probably hate you.

Oh and here's hoping for Hot Rod and Unicron in the inevitable sequel! Oh and some Van Halen on the soundtrack. YOU'VE GOT THE TOUCH!!!

Peace
Steve

The Ending of Harry Potter!

FIT.

Yes ladies and gentlemen it is a Fortress of Steveitude World Exclusive!!!! The final page of the new Harry Potter before anyone else can see it! If you do not wish to be spoiled then leave now! NOW I tell thee! How did I get hold of it you ask? Well those rumours in the press of JK Rowling and Chris De Burgh dating might have a little bit more truth to them than Ms Rowling's restraining order suggests. So without further adieu... The final page of Harry Potter!!!!!!!!!

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Harry woke up in a sweat. He put his glasses on and looked around his room. Everything seemed normal, he felt relieved.

KNOCK KNOCK

Harry’s mother entered the room with a plate of his favourite breakfast treat, toast with no sort of topping arranged into the shape of a sun.
‘You better hurry up Harry or you’ll be late for school.’
‘Hogwarts.’
‘What did you call me mister?’
‘Oh I’m sorry Mom. I had the strangest dream where I was a wizard and I was at a wizard school and there were witches and giants and I played this weird sport with broomsticks and you and Dad had been killed by this evil guy with no nose who actually turned out to be a time travelling version of me from the future and I was totally into Asian chicks.’
Mrs Potter chuckled.
‘Gosh Harry what did you eat before going to sleep last night?’
‘I did eat lots of Cheese.’
‘Well that’s probably it. Asian chicks! You have a powerful imagination my boy. But seriously you know that stories of wizards and witches are paganism and a filthy affront to God. If you were a boy wizard you would most certainly be going to hell!’
‘Yes I know that Mother. I guess the dreams were just teaching me that very message. I’m glad I’m just a humble servant of Christ and not some soldier of Satan.’

So Harry got up, ate his breakfast, brushed his teeth and put on his clothes ready for school. Harry was very lucky in that the school he went to taught creationism rather than any of that evolution nonsense. Before he left the door though he looked up at his painting of Jesus (who was definitely white) and said a prayer very quietly under his breath.

‘Dear Lord,
Thank you for the fact that I live in a world where your son died for my sins,
Thank you for the fact that I live in a world where the only real magic is the love of a Christian for a brother or sister in faith,
Thank you for writing the Bible and making all fictional books pointless and unnecessary,
And finally if you deem it necessary for me to have the same dream again can you make it so that I get to bang Hermione. It’s probably not realistic that she gets with the ginger.
Amen.’

Harry smiled at Jesus and Jesus smiled back.

The End?????

Wow! What a shocker. I can tell you I certainly wasn't disappointed. I particularly liked the question marks at the end as they leave things open for a further book after Ms Rowling finishes her next novel 'Tom Clancy's Operation Leopard Storm 4000'. I can also exclusively reveal Mel Gibson is in talks to direct the movie adaptation. The only thing holding up the deal is his demand that Voldemoort is replaced as main villain with Jerry Seinfeld.

Peace
Steve

NOTE: All of the above may be fictional. I say may, it definitely is.

Mack to the Future 2

As with any movie that has even the smallest chance of making a profit my small time independent time travel has been upgraded to a full blown ultra massive budget trilogy. Sadly because of certain creative differences I will not be involved in the sequel. Young avant garde love child of John Travolta Tom Haywood is taking over the reigns. Here is how the IMDB describes the film...

'Jason Biggs is a frustrated teenage geek who is having no luck with the ladies, that is until his wacky scientist father Eugene Levy invents a time machine, sending the manic pair forwards in to the future! Jason see's the chance for a change in his fortunes, and begins to play the field, only to find out he's been mackin' on his future daughter! Incest abounds alongside some seriously funny gross-out comedy in this hilarious time travel teen-sex filmfest. Will Jason end up marrying his child? Will he ever get one over on the ever-present Biffler? And will he ever get back to his own time? Find out now, in Mack to the Future.'

I'm sure it will be great. Chris De Burgh is working on a techno remix of Lady In Red for the soundtrack.

Peace
Steve
(Image and text courtesy of Tom)