Deadly Man

So by some weird twist of fate last night I ended up watching the second half of an episode of Danny Dyer's Deadliest Men 2. It wasn't really what I was expecting it to be. As is his way, Danny went to live with a man called Steve in Blackpool who is apparently Britain's hardest bouncer. So far, so derivative right? As part of the show Danny agreed to spend a night on the door with Steve. This is where things started to get really fucking strange.

Steve has had to chuck out some 'tough slags' in his time and he has even encountered a few death threats. A little scary but nothing to put off cockney gangster Danny Dyer. Or at least that is what you'd think. Dyer completely freaks out. He constructs a weird disguise by dying his hair blonde, putting on glasses and then dressing as a bouncer. He then decides he feels too much of a tosser and takes off the glasses and puts on a hat. At this point he is Danny Dyer wearing a hat which is not so great as a disguise (The fact he is being followed by a TV crew is also a bit of a giveaway). Dyer then eventually ditches his crew and manages for a while to go unnoticed. This is hilarious as he hears numerous people slag off both him and his films and throws a bit of a hissy (To be fair his films are by and large garbage. I like Severance though).

Anyway, after whining and crying and generally acting like a complete psycho Dyer eventually makes it to the door. Here he acts suspiciously towards everyone who comes into the club. He thinks they're all carrying knifes and all are out to get him. A group of lads see through his clever hat disguise and ask to have their photo taken with him. Danny acts like they've surrounded him with assault rifles and drawn lots to see who gets to rape him first.

Basically I'm worried about Danny. He can't seem to differentiate between real life and the tough gangster world of every movie he's ever been in. Yes we live in a dangerous world but every single person on the planet isn't out to get you. Guy Ritchie? Vinnie Jones? Whoever his friends are need to sit him down and get him to sort his head out before Danny Dyer goes completely off the deep end and becomes one of the deadly men he has dedicated his life to studying.

Know what I mean?

Peace

Steve

I Do Hope It's Normal

At the end of the week one of my colleagues is leaving work to have a baby. This is wonderful and delightful and to celebrate the event a card was bought and passed around the office today. This was a first for me and to be honest I didn't know what to write in it. What can you really say? I hope it comes out normal? Commiserations to your Vagina? I don't know what type of birth she's having so this could be an inaccurate thing to say anyway. Maybe some sort of Tom Cruise / Katie Holmes based joke about not eating the placenta? Again though this could be deemed insensitive if placenta is on the menu. It's the type of minefield Princess Di dedicated her life to cleaning up. In the end I went with some sort of Best Wishes / Good luck combo which although fitting felt a little lightweight. Let me know any suggestions for future baby card situations. Contribute now or suffer the wrath of a lackluster message in the future!

Peace

Steve

Go Go Free Ranger

Kinder Eggs are amazing. I love them. But just because I love something doesn't mean I won't try and improve it (Just ask my girlfriend... kidding.) Yes, I have come up with way to improve the Kinder Egg, a kind of Kinder Egg spin off. Get ready for this....

THE FREE RANGE KINDER EGG!

Oh yes, a Kinder Egg raised with the care and treated with respect. An ethical Kinder Egg larger than any you have ever seen. A Kinder Egg where you will definitely receive a cool toy. Never again will you open the capsule to find yet another porcelain gorilla. No my friend, you've just found a fucking Transformer!

Give me a call Kinder. You know where to find me.

In other news, I have been tweeting my dreams. Not my hopes and dreams (I keep them in my Dear Diary) but the ones I have when I sleep. Check the sidebar or Follow Me!

Peace

Steve

Smooth

In the furore over MJ's untimely demise there has been one question people have been refusing to ask... Why isn't Alien Ant Farm - Smooth Criminal on repeat on the music channels? It should at least have headlined the funeral / tribute. Still, you may suggest Alien Ant Farm are actually deader than MJ. You'd be wrong. They are back together and working on new material. Let's hope they can be the one good thing to come from this tragedy. God bless you.

In other news don't watch Prom Night. A more derivative, predictable, dull and stupid film I haven't seen for a long while. I think the strangest thing is the complete lack of gore. In a post-Scream world it's confusing how this thing even gets made. Try My Bloody Valentine 3d instead.

Peace

Steve

Escape Plan

It's that time again. The new issue of Gallery is out. Because of my UK sojourn this article had to be written two weeks in advance so there's a slight (LARGE) chance that in my hastiness I may have included previews for two flops (At least Empire suggests they are). I also made no mention of Public Enemies. I shall atone for this by going to see it tonight. Still, Depp, Bale, Mann and gangsters. I'm sure you don't need me to tell you this is going to be good... unless you're simple.

Staying on film Tom sent me this quite hilarious and accurate review of Transformers 2 from topless robot. Check it out here.

Peace

Steve

E-Mails to Jamie (Part 1): More Than Meets The Eye

Greetings kids,

I went to see Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen the other day. I would write you a review but instead i'm just going to copy and paste this e-mail I sent to Jamie. Maybe I'll do this more. I do like to send long and rambling e-mails to Jamie. Though I have to say he doesn't like it when you send long chains of penis enlargement adds to him.

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Alrite mate,

Just to let you know I couldnt agree with you more about Transformers. For
me there were just far too many characters with far too little time for
anyone but the humans, Optimus and Bumblebee and that's with the over long
running time. They seem to chuck the rest of the Transformers from the
first film and just replace them with those two REALLY annoying twins. They
also fail to build up The Fallen or Megatron in any significant way and
only pay lip service to the actually interesting conflict between Megatron
and Starscream.

I also agree that they basically copy the basic story from the first film.
Annoyingly there were a couple of really interesting potential storylines
which again were just skimmed over. I think they could have made great
films about:
- The Transformers refusal to give the humans access to their technology
measured with the idea that they have brought their war to this world. This
was made an almost comedy subplot with the oh so assured army guys from the
first film and the grumpy director.
- The past generations of Transformers and their role in the evolution of
the human being. Maybe their tech could be responsibly for something
horrific like nuclear weaponry or something like that but also have the
potential to help the Earth's energy crisis.
- The idea of the Decepticon turncoat and the notion of choice in these
robots choosing sides. That was again made comedy with the forgetful old
jet.

If they really wanted I also think they could have made the coming of age /
assuming responsibility or leadership story work but they needed to shift
the focus on others apart from Sam. They cant attach such an importance to
this idea and then just have Optimus come back to life with the magic dust.
They need a parallel story where Bumblebee or someone else takes on
Optimus' role as leader (see Transformers: The Animated Movie for this done
right).

Anyway, that is my take. There was so much potential but it really was
surrounded by some extraneous rubbish.

5 / 10

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Soooo it wasn't great. I'm not sure if it was made worse by the fact that I love Transformers but I genuinely think that the flaws were evident for those who wouldn't know a Unicron from a Soundwave. And before anyone suggests it, you can't over think giant robots who transform into cars beating the hell out of each other.

Peace

Steve

CGPie

I wonder at what point the American Pie sequels decided to stop trying and make it so their lead character (obviously a Stifler) just shits himself at random intervals? Plus, I remember when I was that kids age and I'm pretty sure that girls didn't look like the girls in the movie. I don't think any girls look like that. CGI Maybe? Jose would have screwed it up anyway with some sort of wacky antic.

Peace

Steve