Seabiscuits

What a crazy old year that was huh? Onto a new one now and as is my way I'm going to make some predictions. Last year we didn't do so well with a grand total of 0 out of 10 predictions. I've used crystal balls, tarot cards and complex super computers and this is what WILL happen this year.

1. Beyonce will open a bird sanctuary and call it 'The Birds & The B'. It will be a huge success and be voted the most girlicious bird sanctuary on the planet.

2. After years of perfecting the recipe I will finally unleash my horse shaped (and flavoured) 'Seabiscuits' onto the market. Only a mere 5 years after the release of the film too.

3. The credit crunch will lead to all paper money becoming worthless and people will revert to bartering and trading.

4. An especially charismatic cat will be elected to an important political position.

5. Man will walk on the moon.

6. The Salvation Army will challenge the real Army to a dance-off... and WIN!

7. Eddie Murphy will win all The Oscars.

8. The musical craze of the year will be covers of Lighthouse Family songs. This will reach a stunning climax in December 2009 when a Lighthouse Family tribute band win The X-Factor.

9. Watchmen will be the best film ever and everyone will start reading comics and the world will be all the better for it. I will be given a comics themed television chat show.

10. Machines will enslave the human race having picked up the idea by watching Terminator.

Personally, I can't wait.

Peace

Steve

Little Big Bang

Plenty of people have been going on about how today is probably going to be the end of the world. If you don't know what the fuck I'm talking about then you should totally read this article. I have to admit that I was slightly concerned until I listened to the above edutational rap. My eyes have been opened, Steve-O Town's next album is going to be entirely about theoretical physics. I sort of hope the God Particle does exist, them physicists are sure going to have a lot of work to do if it doesn't. Still, if it does all go wrong doesn't that machine look like just the sort of thing that is going to give a mild mannered scientist super-powers? Maybe all the scientists could get merged into one super intelligent being and then that being could be like President of the World. That is if the Barack Obama / Ryan Reynolds dream team that I have written all those slash fiction short stories about doesn't want the job.

Peace

Steve

The Return Of Sex!

Oh my God girlfriends it's only just over a week till the nationwide release of The Sex And The City Movie and I am so totally excited. The Sex And The City TV Show was great because it was the first television show to ever write women as characters rather than as eye candy for the male audience. Never before had we seen women on television wearing shoes, sipping cocktails and whineing about men. It truly was a revolution. And now it is all happening again. Not since 'My Super Sweet Sixteen: The Movie' have I anticipated a film adaptation of a television series this much and not until 'Ice Skating With Celebrities: The Movie' will I do so again. In honour of the film's release here are my Top 5 SATC: The Movie predictions.

1. Samantha will have sex... with an animal. Think about it, Samantha spent episode after episode breaking the taboos created by the male centred hierarchies. At one point she even went Lesbian! There's almost nothing left for her to do... Except a horse.

2. A baby and a pet will collide to hilarious effects. Babies and kittens are so totally cute. Imagine if a baby and a kitten met. OMG it would be 2CFW (Too Cute For Words).

3. The characters will wear some totally hot clothes. YOU JUST KNOW THEY WILL!

4. The Sex And The City Movie will sweep the 2009 Oscars. For years the Academy have ignored totally romantic (The Notebook), totally funny (Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde) and totally movies that totally relate to my life (Free Willy 2). But how will they ignore a movie that is totally romantic, totally funny and totally a movie that totally relates to my life?? Not easily is the answer. And just imagine the dresses the girls would wear to the ceremony.

5. There will be an dark and ominous ending followed by 'To Be Continued...'

I'll see you there on the front row, low fat popcorn and small diet coke in hand!

Peace

Steve

Coming Soon...

Happy New Year blogateers!

Its the first entry of the New Year and in Blogging tradition that means its time for the Predictator (Not to be confused with The Predator) to be dusted off.

First lets look at last year's predictions from my old blog

Shane will win the lottery and buy a yacht which he will then name the SS Steam Machine despite the fact it is not even slightly steam powered. Soon he will find himself in financial trouble because even though he did win the lottery he only won £10.
RESULT: Incorrect. Hmm not a good start I don't think Shane even plays the lottery.

Tannas will have a whirlwind romance with a 'Star' of reality TV. It will be intense and passionate and he will feel completely dejected when she dumps him for the actor who plays Tom in Hollyoaks. Not knowing what to do he will join the navy and catch scurvy.
RESULT: Incorrect. I think Tannas gets sea sick. He isn't going to join the navy.

After accidentally eating toxic waste Jamie will develop super powers. Sadly the most useful of his powers will be the ability to tell Coke and Pepsi apart.
RESULT: Incorrect. Not going well. Jamie did eat toxic waste but it wasn't an accident. He was just sick.

Jose will run for local government and win. During his time in power he will be a massive success and be well liked by all his subjects. He will receive many prizes and honours. It will look like he has finally turned things around when he is embroiled in a sex scandal involving camera phones, jam, bees, skull fucking and a device designed with the intention of controlling the weather. After his exit from politics he will move into musical theatre and fail on every level.

RESULT: Incorrect. Dammit. Jose isn't allowed to run for government, he is a Mexican.

Liam will qualify for the olympics in the discipline of rhythmic gymnastics.

RESULT: Incorrect. He didn't qualify.

Everyone else will get same sex married to prove a point about the environment or something. Though sham marriages, things will get awkward when people start refusing to get divorced afterward. Rhodri will be one of the main culprits.

RESULT: Incorrect. It's harder to get sham married than you'd think.

Ok, not so good. 0/6. Well at least it won't be hard to improve on it.

Onwards and upwards then I guess to the 2008 Predictions...

(Six is a lame number, I'm going to do 10)

1. Tannas will start a bee keeping school for under priviledged youths hoping to teach them important life lessons. It won't last long as he is repeatedly stung.

2. Despite spending a year abroad in Spain, Jose Franco won't have learnt a single sentence of Spanish.

3. Shane will go to Vegas and marry a hooker on a drunken bet.

4. Paulo Hinz will become extremely paranoid about a potential Nuclear War and build a bunker in our garden. Upon graduating he will sit in the corner gently rocking and making wild accusations about the Welsh.

5. Jamie will at some point have a quiet night in.

6. Eddie Murphy will impregnate Sporty Spice.

7. Dave Henshaw will also impregnate Sporty (after she has given birth to Eddie's baby, I don't think its possible to get pregnant again whilst your pregnant)

8. Liam will have Vernon Kay's face tattooed on his back and immediately regret it.

9. Oly will find out reality is a lie and we are living in an artificially created computer world. He won't tell anyone though and will just enjoy the sense of superiority he feels.

10. Everyone else will get together and release a novelty Christmas record with all the profits going to Romanian Orphan children. The song will be called 'Christmasturbating (Oh what a feeling)' and it will be written by Mark Owen.

Well there you go, what a wild and crazy ride 2008 is looking to be!

Peace

Steve