What is Girlicious?

These girls would fuck you... For Money... Probably.

The Pussycat Dolls Presents: Girlicious is the latest in a long long line of 'Making The Band' Realtiy Television shows that started with the birth of the now legendary O-Town and is the follow-up to 'Lets find another anonymous stripper type to dance behind the one that can sing in The Pussycat Dolls' or whatever that one was called. The difference between this one and that is now they are looking for a whole band of quasi-prostitutes to form a new band ingeniously called 'Girlicious'.

The show seems to revolve around the contestants living in a luxury flat and bitching about each other and snapping their fingers lots. There is some singing and dancing bits but it is seriously about 90% bitching. At the end of the show the two judges tell one of the girls 'You're not Girlicious' (Nicki claims this catchphrase is purely a construct of my imagination but if it isn't in the show then it damn well should be) and they have to fuck off. I guess the question you're now asking yourself is 'what does it mean to be Girlicious?' Well, being Girlicious seems to involve dressing like a whore (At all times, seriously there was a fight as one contestant told another that her casual lounge wear wasn't slutty enough. She insisted it was), wearing lots of make-up and making vague assertions about girl power based on misheard lyrics from Spice Girls and Destiny's Child songs. A contestant having too much dignity is pretty much the main reason for them being kicked off. I AM DEFINITELY GIRLICIOUS.

Still, this has given me an idea. Coming to a television set near you...

Steveitude Productions Presents 'Degraded'.

The show works thusly... A group of twelve girls live together in a disgusting hovel, performing various tasks set by 'musical guru' Chris De Burgh, as the weeks go on they are whittled down to a group of four called 'Degraded'. Like every other show? Yes. But, importantly, what Girlicious has shown me is that the girls don't need to be talented, attractive or likeable. In fact the larger their personality disorder the more entertaining they are likely to be. Brilliant. The tasks will also help to set my show apart, it's called Degraded for a reason. Immunity challenges will include the girls racing to suck off a record executive, seeing who can make the most money as a Soho Prostitute (Billie Piper was a prostitute on TV, it's cool) and of course a Les-off. At the end Chris will yell 'You've Been Degraded' and they will be punched in the face by Audley Harrison. It's going to be great.

Oh and if that doesn't work, how about Didier Drogba presents Drogbalicious? He could search for a strike partner and then laugh in their face as whoever replaces the charismatic Avram Grant plays him up front by himself.

Peace

Steve

The Return Of Sex!

Oh my God girlfriends it's only just over a week till the nationwide release of The Sex And The City Movie and I am so totally excited. The Sex And The City TV Show was great because it was the first television show to ever write women as characters rather than as eye candy for the male audience. Never before had we seen women on television wearing shoes, sipping cocktails and whineing about men. It truly was a revolution. And now it is all happening again. Not since 'My Super Sweet Sixteen: The Movie' have I anticipated a film adaptation of a television series this much and not until 'Ice Skating With Celebrities: The Movie' will I do so again. In honour of the film's release here are my Top 5 SATC: The Movie predictions.

1. Samantha will have sex... with an animal. Think about it, Samantha spent episode after episode breaking the taboos created by the male centred hierarchies. At one point she even went Lesbian! There's almost nothing left for her to do... Except a horse.

2. A baby and a pet will collide to hilarious effects. Babies and kittens are so totally cute. Imagine if a baby and a kitten met. OMG it would be 2CFW (Too Cute For Words).

3. The characters will wear some totally hot clothes. YOU JUST KNOW THEY WILL!

4. The Sex And The City Movie will sweep the 2009 Oscars. For years the Academy have ignored totally romantic (The Notebook), totally funny (Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde) and totally movies that totally relate to my life (Free Willy 2). But how will they ignore a movie that is totally romantic, totally funny and totally a movie that totally relates to my life?? Not easily is the answer. And just imagine the dresses the girls would wear to the ceremony.

5. There will be an dark and ominous ending followed by 'To Be Continued...'

I'll see you there on the front row, low fat popcorn and small diet coke in hand!

Peace

Steve

I Heart Japan

Q: How do you get a Pikachu on a bus?
A: Poke em on.
LOL.

Peace

Steve

America Blog 5: Slam Dunk The Funk

On Saturday we went to the Nuggets game. To begin with it was back and forth with both offences firing but moving into the half the Nugs were on top. In the third quarter The Warriors bounced back as the Nuggets defence tired but after an inspired time-out the Nugs went three crazy and pulled away for the big W moving them into the 7th position and looking good for the play-offs. For those who don't speak Basketball... It was close, we were winning, they were winning, we won. Anyway, it was one hell of a spectacle with fireworks, cheerleaders, music and organised chanting. Still I can't see Larry the Liver Bird ever shaving a cheeky Man United fans head and it turning into anything but a full on riot. Still, it was FUN.

We have also been to two comic book shops. The first one Laura joined us in going to as we walked through the mildly (very) seedy inner city Denver to find 'All In A Dream' Comics. Spending what to any non comic book fan would seem a ridiculous sum of money the owner regaled us with many stories of life as a comic book pusher in a tough area. I don't know if we would have spent so long if Laura wasn't there. Everyone is very friendly and as someone who likes talking to people Laura is in her element. I'm overfamiliar, guess what I give you nicknames behind your back nothing nasty it's just what I do, but Ms Brown is on another level. Not a day goes by where we don't make a new friend for life. She didn't join us at Time Warp Comics but again it was a really cool place.

All the other students have arrived back now and the campus has sprung into life. It's crazy, from the ghost town of last week to the explosion of life going on now. This would have been great if I wasn't in such a state. We did a bit of drinking, I lost at Poker on the first hand (pocket fives going all in... IDIOT) and we stumbled home in a haze. It was REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY LONG ISLAND ICED TEA.

In Non-America News the Reading Line-Up is out. The Cribs headlining the Radio 1 Tent, Tenacious M&%$£$ckin D, Biffy and TBS on the main stage and Rage Against The Machine... Yes Please.

Peace

Steve

America Blog 4: Ballderdash

It's always better when you can get a good look at an animal in the flesh before you eat it. The Elk steak was good. I didn't see any Buffalos but I did enjoy some battered buffalo testicle... Rocky Mountain Oysters my ass. To be fair they were actually pretty tasty.

In other news I have discovered baby cans of Coors Light. 8 ounces to anyone living outside the metric system. It makes me feel really manly as I speed through them.

Peace

Steve

America Blog 3: Lesser Things

Things are getting outdoorsy. Yesterday we went to the Zoo and today we're heading out to the mountains. Turns out Rhinos are well ugly and there is such thing as a lesser Panda. Don't tell me that animal is going to have good self esteem.

Peace

Steve

America Blog 2: The New Sound

Malls, Burger Joints, Red Cups, Kegs and House Parties. This is the America promised by T.V and Movies and I'm glad to say that THEY DO NOT LIE. The party we went to even had a blue grass band... Mandolin, Bass Guitar and most importantly a banjo. Once back in England Dan and I are starting the next musical fad:

Blue grass + Nu Rave = Blu Rave

You heard it here first.

One slight moment of confusion. On Sunday we went for some Easter brunch / lunch at The International House of Pancakes (IHOP to the initiated). I had some pancakes with various sides, I thought on top of the pancakes they had placed a scoop of ice cream. Turns out it was a scoop of butter. It didn't taste so great.

There was also a place called Dick's Sporting Goods Store. I declare LOL.

Peace

Steve