See You Latte

Hey Kids

As most of you probably know Nic and I are heading off on our travels tomorrow. That means I won't have much time to catch up on this blog. What's new you may ask in a sarcastic tone? Fuck You, I've been really busy. The Jersey Summer was an absolute blast especially the last couple of weeks where our visitors popped by and of course Jersey Live took place. Any other Jersey-ites I would recommend having some foreigners over if you're ever feeling burnt out on Jersey life. Looking at it through their eyes it forces you to realise that despite the negativity of a few loud mouthed grade-A wank stains (I'm looking at you Senator Stuart Syvret. What you gonna do? I'm the other side of the world... Or at least I will be soon) it's actually a pretty fucking cool place to live. Basically I'm going to miss you guys... except you Sam Tannahill.

But whilst this may be a goodbye it actually means you're going to get more bloggage than usual just in a different place (Think of it as IVF blogging rather than the balls deep penetrative sex blogging your used to - the same basic thing in a different way). And after that elaborate and confusing sentence I think you should probably just go there and bookmark it yourself:

http://steveandnickistravels.blogspot.com

It already has a lovely pretentious Mark Twain quote so enjoy that and soon it'll have details of all our crazy adventures.

Peace

Steve

PS - New Gallery is out. The column continues. It'll be in October too but in a reduced form. Maybe November? We'll see.

Jiggy Jiggy Jiggy

It's another month and another new issue of Gallery. Check it out as always here. This month I totally have a boner for the new Tarantino flick and present my ultimate movie playlist. Of course it features Wild Wild West by Sir Will Smith a song that is by some margin more entertaining than the film it was 'inspired' by. It got me thinking. Obviously Will Smith is the greatest actor of his generation but few remember he is also the greatest musician of his generation too. In the past couple of years he has dialed back the music greatness refusing to soundtrack the films he headlines. Think how much better Ali, I Am Legend or Seven Pounds could have been if Will got jiggy with them. How about it Big Willy? We could even release Director's Cuts with the music in. Hit me back.

Peace

Steve

Stoop Kids

Move it football head!

Today we had a reminisce about the classic TV shows from our youth and how the current crop could never stand shoulder to shoulder with the likes of Teen Angel, Hangtime and Kenan & Kel. One of the shows we talked about was Hey Arnold. An incredible show and looking back quite a weird and subversive one too. What was with all the jazz? Anyway, whilst discussing Arnold, Gerald and Helga I had quite a sobering thought. Arnold was set in a tough Brooklyn neighbourhood with poor schooling and a decaying infrastructure. Statistics would suggest that a large percentage of these kids have fallen into crime or drugs (Definitely the bully character) and many of them are probably part of gangs. I guess what I'm pitching here is a Wire-esque 'Where Are They Now' show dealing with the realities of inner city life. I would watch it.

Peace

Steve

Deadly Man

So by some weird twist of fate last night I ended up watching the second half of an episode of Danny Dyer's Deadliest Men 2. It wasn't really what I was expecting it to be. As is his way, Danny went to live with a man called Steve in Blackpool who is apparently Britain's hardest bouncer. So far, so derivative right? As part of the show Danny agreed to spend a night on the door with Steve. This is where things started to get really fucking strange.

Steve has had to chuck out some 'tough slags' in his time and he has even encountered a few death threats. A little scary but nothing to put off cockney gangster Danny Dyer. Or at least that is what you'd think. Dyer completely freaks out. He constructs a weird disguise by dying his hair blonde, putting on glasses and then dressing as a bouncer. He then decides he feels too much of a tosser and takes off the glasses and puts on a hat. At this point he is Danny Dyer wearing a hat which is not so great as a disguise (The fact he is being followed by a TV crew is also a bit of a giveaway). Dyer then eventually ditches his crew and manages for a while to go unnoticed. This is hilarious as he hears numerous people slag off both him and his films and throws a bit of a hissy (To be fair his films are by and large garbage. I like Severance though).

Anyway, after whining and crying and generally acting like a complete psycho Dyer eventually makes it to the door. Here he acts suspiciously towards everyone who comes into the club. He thinks they're all carrying knifes and all are out to get him. A group of lads see through his clever hat disguise and ask to have their photo taken with him. Danny acts like they've surrounded him with assault rifles and drawn lots to see who gets to rape him first.

Basically I'm worried about Danny. He can't seem to differentiate between real life and the tough gangster world of every movie he's ever been in. Yes we live in a dangerous world but every single person on the planet isn't out to get you. Guy Ritchie? Vinnie Jones? Whoever his friends are need to sit him down and get him to sort his head out before Danny Dyer goes completely off the deep end and becomes one of the deadly men he has dedicated his life to studying.

Know what I mean?

Peace

Steve

I Do Hope It's Normal

At the end of the week one of my colleagues is leaving work to have a baby. This is wonderful and delightful and to celebrate the event a card was bought and passed around the office today. This was a first for me and to be honest I didn't know what to write in it. What can you really say? I hope it comes out normal? Commiserations to your Vagina? I don't know what type of birth she's having so this could be an inaccurate thing to say anyway. Maybe some sort of Tom Cruise / Katie Holmes based joke about not eating the placenta? Again though this could be deemed insensitive if placenta is on the menu. It's the type of minefield Princess Di dedicated her life to cleaning up. In the end I went with some sort of Best Wishes / Good luck combo which although fitting felt a little lightweight. Let me know any suggestions for future baby card situations. Contribute now or suffer the wrath of a lackluster message in the future!

Peace

Steve

Go Go Free Ranger

Kinder Eggs are amazing. I love them. But just because I love something doesn't mean I won't try and improve it (Just ask my girlfriend... kidding.) Yes, I have come up with way to improve the Kinder Egg, a kind of Kinder Egg spin off. Get ready for this....

THE FREE RANGE KINDER EGG!

Oh yes, a Kinder Egg raised with the care and treated with respect. An ethical Kinder Egg larger than any you have ever seen. A Kinder Egg where you will definitely receive a cool toy. Never again will you open the capsule to find yet another porcelain gorilla. No my friend, you've just found a fucking Transformer!

Give me a call Kinder. You know where to find me.

In other news, I have been tweeting my dreams. Not my hopes and dreams (I keep them in my Dear Diary) but the ones I have when I sleep. Check the sidebar or Follow Me!

Peace

Steve

Smooth

In the furore over MJ's untimely demise there has been one question people have been refusing to ask... Why isn't Alien Ant Farm - Smooth Criminal on repeat on the music channels? It should at least have headlined the funeral / tribute. Still, you may suggest Alien Ant Farm are actually deader than MJ. You'd be wrong. They are back together and working on new material. Let's hope they can be the one good thing to come from this tragedy. God bless you.

In other news don't watch Prom Night. A more derivative, predictable, dull and stupid film I haven't seen for a long while. I think the strangest thing is the complete lack of gore. In a post-Scream world it's confusing how this thing even gets made. Try My Bloody Valentine 3d instead.

Peace

Steve