American Why?

Last night was Grad Ball. The Venga Boys mimed, cheap champagne was drunk and thousands of photos were taken and are now appearing on Facebook. It was fun but very tiring so tonight we decided to chill and watch a film. I'm sorry Tom I should have listened to your advice...

I have just finished watching American Pie: Beta House or as it is known in the far more honest Canadian market American Pie 6: The Final Nail in the Coffin. There are many terrible and confusing aspects to this, the latest entry in the series. The biggest sin is probably its complete lack of anything resembling charm or humour. The first four films (I have yet to witness The Naked Mile and after this I don’t really want to) have some sort of coming of age story acting as the spine for the gross out gags, none of that here. Not a single character learns or grows in any significant way (One guy learns he quite likes female ejaculate but I’m not going to count that). The villains are also horribly miscast. The story centres on a war between Beta House and Geek House. Yes that’s right the geeks are the bad guys. Who elicits more sympathy than rowdy, drunken, misogynist American frat boys? And don’t we hate those geeks with their glasses and… Wait, why are we supposed to hate the geeks? Sure their leader is a dick but what did the rest of them do? What did the guy in the wheelchair do to deserve our scorn? And *SPOILER ALERT* Why are we supposed to celebrate the finale in which the geeks lose their house leaving the frat boys with a new party pad and these poor nerds homeless? Confusingly the film aspires to an 18 rating. You expect a little bit of nudity and naughtiness from your American Pie but this film goes way beyond that with a university populated by almost always topless strippers. I’d say it’s basically softcore porn but I think maybe it goes some way beyond softcore. And finally just why Eugene Levy? Why? You warmed our hearts as Jim’s Dad in the first three films but why do you need to keep coming back? You don’t do anything here. In fact finding a reason for you to be involved and dressed in a toga no less seems to be a strain for the writing talent behind this catastrophe. I think it’s time to move on.

Sheep fucking, legions of young men projectile vomiting over each other and bullet time semen… Where is there to go? You stole our hearts with your awkward humour and Blink-182 soundtrack but it has to stop here. I raise my glass and I say ‘To no more steps.’ (That is unless you want to make a film explaining why Oz wasn’t at Jim’s wedding. Seriously where was the guy? Had they become as annoyed by his cringe inducing antics as we had?)

Peace

Steve

Boom Boom Boom

Today I sat outside in the sun and shined my shoes. This is the sort of activity that makes me think I might be a man... Of course whilst I type this I am listening to Will Smith's opus 'Wild Wild West' so maybe not. Anyway it is coming to the end, tonight is Grad Ball and finally I am going to be able to live my dream of seeing Venga Boys live and in person. Oh yes that Venga Bus is coming and when you look like that I think Euro Pop or prostitution is your only option. Later in the week I think I'm going to post a list of things that University has taught me. Sort of like that Baz Luhrman novelty song but with at least an element of realism. I've got plans to be drunk most of this week, it will probably more entertaining that way, more spelling mistakes too. Anyway, The Sugababes beckon...

Peace

Steve

A Deadly Duo

Brought to you by the two massively confused Dutch fans we saw in the Geneva Fanzone here is...

10 Things I Learnt From My Holiday in Switzerland

1. The Swiss do not like jokes about themselves. Spend some time with them and you will get to know their sense of humour but THEY DO NOT LIKE JOKES ABOUT THEMSELVES!

2. Everyone in Switzerland is rich. Even the men on their road signs wear top hats.

3. There is a french channel called Animaux that exclusively shows Animal programming. It's great, nothing but animals. There is also a softcore porn channel but sadly it is not called Porn.

4. If Grant Staples was a character from Sex and the City he would be Miranda. He also hearts shoes.

5. All swiss public transport runs exactly on time. Never early, never late. As it should be.

6. Swiss children cannot cope with a long ball strategy when playing against English men (and Paul) who are nearly twice their age and twice their size. THEY GOT SERVED.

7. I can read French much better than I can speak it.

8. Photoshopped pictures of cats in pots are pretty darn LOL.

9. Pretending you don't speak someone's language is a confusingly efficient tactic in trying to cross the border and enter their country.

10. All dogs should be forced to wear kneckerchiefs. It makes them look like hairy mechanics. This can only be a good thing.

Peace

Steve

Euro 2008 Blog: Prospectus

Euro 2008 has begun and here on the blog we are offering the most Emmanuel Eboue-centric coverage on the whole wide interweb. So far there has been little for Boue to make loud annoying noises about but next week I am heading to Switzerland to (hopefully) report back to you from right on the front lines of Footballdom. For now here are three players to look out for.

1. Frank Ribery (France)
Unattractive. But try saying his name in an extremely strong french accent. Really pronounce it, I mean every syllable. Very satisfying.

2. Luka Modric (Croatia)
Spurs' new signing thinks he is the new Johann Cruyff. He wears the number 14 shirt and everything. I don't think anyone has had the heart to tell him Jordi Cruyff was the new Johann Cruyff and that he just wasn't very good.

3. Mikael Dorsin (Sweden)
Possibly the most exciting prospect. This 26 year old CFR Cluj star is a leading contender for the much coveted substitute left back spot. After lighting up the Romanian league with his pace and technique leading pundits have compared him to legends such as Marco Van Basten, Pele and Jason McAteer. (NOTE: Comparisons may not have been favourable)

So there you have it... WATCH OUT! Oh and just so you know I have Poland in the sweepstakes, I am supporting France due to geography and due to their Liverpool contingent I have warm feelings toward Spain.

Peace

Steve

I Don't Like Metaphors

So this is the guy who has been boneing Jennifer Aniston. Seriously, John Mayer does rock on a number of levels. 'If I can't get the girl why don't I just tell her I'm John Mayer?'. I give this clip 4 LOLs. Now I'm off to get drunk, Hurrah!

Peace

Steve

Hot Hot Heat

Batman: Dammit Joker! Tell me the secrets of Jennifer Aniston's new relationship! Is she finally over Brad? I bet she isn't.

In the latest issue of Empire director Christopher Nolan describes 'The Dark Knight Returns' as a super-hero version of Heat. I'm pretty sure he was referring to the Michael Mann film starring Al Pacino and Robert De Niro rather than the celebrity fashion and gossip magazine.

Also you may notice the blog has had a bit of a makeover. Now my education is finished I have plenty of time to do this sort of shit. There's a list of blogs that I frequent on the right hand side and a photo. Yes, a photo!

Peace

Steve

(Much love to Miss Nicki Wray for making the comment that led to this blog)

What is Girlicious?

These girls would fuck you... For Money... Probably.

The Pussycat Dolls Presents: Girlicious is the latest in a long long line of 'Making The Band' Realtiy Television shows that started with the birth of the now legendary O-Town and is the follow-up to 'Lets find another anonymous stripper type to dance behind the one that can sing in The Pussycat Dolls' or whatever that one was called. The difference between this one and that is now they are looking for a whole band of quasi-prostitutes to form a new band ingeniously called 'Girlicious'.

The show seems to revolve around the contestants living in a luxury flat and bitching about each other and snapping their fingers lots. There is some singing and dancing bits but it is seriously about 90% bitching. At the end of the show the two judges tell one of the girls 'You're not Girlicious' (Nicki claims this catchphrase is purely a construct of my imagination but if it isn't in the show then it damn well should be) and they have to fuck off. I guess the question you're now asking yourself is 'what does it mean to be Girlicious?' Well, being Girlicious seems to involve dressing like a whore (At all times, seriously there was a fight as one contestant told another that her casual lounge wear wasn't slutty enough. She insisted it was), wearing lots of make-up and making vague assertions about girl power based on misheard lyrics from Spice Girls and Destiny's Child songs. A contestant having too much dignity is pretty much the main reason for them being kicked off. I AM DEFINITELY GIRLICIOUS.

Still, this has given me an idea. Coming to a television set near you...

Steveitude Productions Presents 'Degraded'.

The show works thusly... A group of twelve girls live together in a disgusting hovel, performing various tasks set by 'musical guru' Chris De Burgh, as the weeks go on they are whittled down to a group of four called 'Degraded'. Like every other show? Yes. But, importantly, what Girlicious has shown me is that the girls don't need to be talented, attractive or likeable. In fact the larger their personality disorder the more entertaining they are likely to be. Brilliant. The tasks will also help to set my show apart, it's called Degraded for a reason. Immunity challenges will include the girls racing to suck off a record executive, seeing who can make the most money as a Soho Prostitute (Billie Piper was a prostitute on TV, it's cool) and of course a Les-off. At the end Chris will yell 'You've Been Degraded' and they will be punched in the face by Audley Harrison. It's going to be great.

Oh and if that doesn't work, how about Didier Drogba presents Drogbalicious? He could search for a strike partner and then laugh in their face as whoever replaces the charismatic Avram Grant plays him up front by himself.

Peace

Steve