Saturday, 25 December 2010

Five Blogs of Christmas: A Christmas Message

It's hard to believe that this time last year I was lounging in the sun, swimming in the pool, eating BBQ food and watching a bulldog furiously masturbate. Instead I've got Grandparents questioning their mortality, mild racism, commentary on Deal or No Deal and the news that my great grandfather thought war was a good idea as it would thin the population. It's good to be home.

So what have we learnt this year? What's the main thing we can take from 2010? What do we need to remember as we hurtle forward into 2011?

I've thought long and hard about this question. Consulted friends and scholars and I have come to this conclusion...

'If it ain't 140 beats per minute, it ain't grime.'

Merry Christmas one and all. Hopefully you had a great day and are fat and happy. A special mention to everyone rocking it last night. I hope no one was so hungover that they ruined Christmas (Doing a Liam).



Thursday, 23 December 2010

Five Blogs of Christmas: The Not To Buy List

Present buying is one of the toughest Christmas tasks going. I like to think of myself as a good gift giver but there are people even I find it tough to buy for. On an unrelated note I'm a horrible wrapper which is ironic considering how good I am at rapping.

For the past four weeks or so I have been working in the wonderful world of retail (Last day tomorrow!). I've not really come up with any ideas for things to buy but I have a couple of things NOT to buy.

1. A Vajazzling
Call me old fashioned but I don't think it's in the spirit of Christmas to buy someone decorative jewelry for their vagina. Especially not your Mum. Thank God I managed to talk Franco out of that one.

2. A Machine That Turns Cereal Bars Back Into Cereal
We've been bought a machine that does the opposite of this. No longer will I be eating cereal from a bowl like a chump. I don't want to go back - why should you be forced to live in the past?

3. A Subscription To An Online Dating Site
I imagine receiving this might be kind of offensive. Definitely not good to give this to someone who is currently in a relationship. Might be a good way to get rid of a friend's girlfriend you don't really like.

4. A 19th Century Printing Press
Didn't you hear? Traditional print media is dead. Get them an I-Pad instead.

5. A Book By Jeremy Clarkson
I just think he's a twat.

This isn't really Christmas related but I came second in The UK Scriptwriters Podcast Casablanca sequel competition. The task was to name a Casablanca sequel in a different kind of genre and then write a tag-line for it. I went for Casablanca 2: Attack of the Nazi Super Squid 3D. 'Here's lookin at you Squid'.
If you want to hear my name briefly mentioned then download the podcast here.




Wednesday, 22 December 2010

Five Blogs of Christmas: I Just Had Sex

This is more like a Christmas present from me to me. I love The Lonely Island, I also kind of love Akon. That's why I'm so happy they've got together and made a song. This is kind of what every Akon song is about just put much more simply.



Tuesday, 21 December 2010

Five Blogs of Christmas: Johnny Depp The Italian Christmas Donkey

This is one of my all time favourite Christmas songs. It's really weird but also hugely catchy. One of the only problems is that because the song is such an old classic it doesn't have a music video to call its own. There are a couple of generic efforts up on the old You Tube but they're kind of boring. Instead I present to you a completely FUCKING BIZARRE effort setting the song to a montage of clips of Johnny Depp. I'm not sure who is responsible for this but I'm pretty sure they're treading that fine line between genius and insanity.



Monday, 20 December 2010

Five Blogs of Christmas: Gremlins

I'm not sure why but I don't think Gremlins is widely thought of as an alternative Christmas classic. People recognise it as a bit of a classic but it isn't really categorised as a Christmas movie. This is wrong for a couple of reasons. Firstly it isn't just a bit of a classic it is an absolute classic. From the first moment Gizmo melts your heart to the assembled Gremlin army watching Snow White it's both hilarious, heartfelt and although it has a 15 certificate I'd say it's fun for the whole family (Just try not to use the word massacre at all). Secondly, the film has more to say about the modern concept of Christmas than almost any other recent Christmas film. It has a nice level of ambiguity both celebrating the modern Christmas and the American concept of Christmas whilst having the Gremlins represent rampant consumerism. Maybe like the Gremlins if you follow the rules / traditions things will be fine, it's when you compromise the problems start. 

Although, the story of the Santa in the chimney is very dark....



Friday, 10 December 2010

X-Factor Final Preview

Hey Blog Friends. Sorry about the length of time since the last update. I think I mentioned but I'm temping again but this time in the wacky world of retail. Face to face, eye to eye, mano e mano motherfucking customer service. To be honest it's kind of mentally exhausting. I won't go into details but it reminds me why it has been so long since I last braved the shop floor. Still, I get to meet plenty of characters and I've never been more informed about mobile phones. Anyway, I'm going to get back into the blog swing and start with some short posts to regain my momentum.

Tomorrow is of course the final of the X-Factor. Some of you may shriek in delight, others may stare into the dark empty void that the absence of the program will leave in your existence. Whatever your opinion it's going to happen and by the end of this weekend we will have a new champion. Here's my personal guide to your betting options.

Cher Lloyd (1000/1)
The only way Cher will win is if the other contestants hold a joint press conference on Saturday morning and announce they are all active supporters of the BNP, backing the increase in tuition fees and all feel The Weasel should have made it to the final.

One Direction (5 /1)
It's difficult to gage support for the boys as they've never been in any trouble. The sheer volume of their fans seems to have propelled them through. People have their own individual favourites (We like the one who just hums) but I still can't see any band overcoming the personality contest aspect of the show. Could be worth a cheeky punt though.

Rebecca ' Fergie' Ferguson (3/1)
Yes she has a great soulful voice, a (VOMIT) recording voice but is it just me or has she been kind of boring since maybe the third or fourth week. I'm sure she's a lovely person and a devoted Mother and she deserves to be singing professionally but I've never been excited by anything she's done.

Matt Cardle (2/1)
Word on the street would place Matt as the favourite. He reminds me of my old favourite of many a moon ago Diana Vickers in that when he sings I am woken from my coma of cynicism and actually properly listen to the song. He actually has something unique and doesn't have the factory line easy marketing appeal of the others. The most potential to make a song I'll actually listen to. For me it has to be Matt as this year's winner. Also I think Dannii has firmly established herself as the judge with the least stupid opinions so it'd be good if she won.