Tuesday, 28 July 2009

Deadly Man

So by some weird twist of fate last night I ended up watching the second half of an episode of Danny Dyer's Deadliest Men 2. It wasn't really what I was expecting it to be. As is his way, Danny went to live with a man called Steve in Blackpool who is apparently Britain's hardest bouncer. So far, so derivative right? As part of the show Danny agreed to spend a night on the door with Steve. This is where things started to get really fucking strange.

Steve has had to chuck out some 'tough slags' in his time and he has even encountered a few death threats. A little scary but nothing to put off cockney gangster Danny Dyer. Or at least that is what you'd think. Dyer completely freaks out. He constructs a weird disguise by dying his hair blonde, putting on glasses and then dressing as a bouncer. He then decides he feels too much of a tosser and takes off the glasses and puts on a hat. At this point he is Danny Dyer wearing a hat which is not so great as a disguise (The fact he is being followed by a TV crew is also a bit of a giveaway). Dyer then eventually ditches his crew and manages for a while to go unnoticed. This is hilarious as he hears numerous people slag off both him and his films and throws a bit of a hissy (To be fair his films are by and large garbage. I like Severance though).

Anyway, after whining and crying and generally acting like a complete psycho Dyer eventually makes it to the door. Here he acts suspiciously towards everyone who comes into the club. He thinks they're all carrying knifes and all are out to get him. A group of lads see through his clever hat disguise and ask to have their photo taken with him. Danny acts like they've surrounded him with assault rifles and drawn lots to see who gets to rape him first.

Basically I'm worried about Danny. He can't seem to differentiate between real life and the tough gangster world of every movie he's ever been in. Yes we live in a dangerous world but every single person on the planet isn't out to get you. Guy Ritchie? Vinnie Jones? Whoever his friends are need to sit him down and get him to sort his head out before Danny Dyer goes completely off the deep end and becomes one of the deadly men he has dedicated his life to studying.

Know what I mean?



Tuesday, 21 July 2009

I Do Hope It's Normal

At the end of the week one of my colleagues is leaving work to have a baby. This is wonderful and delightful and to celebrate the event a card was bought and passed around the office today. This was a first for me and to be honest I didn't know what to write in it. What can you really say? I hope it comes out normal? Commiserations to your Vagina? I don't know what type of birth she's having so this could be an inaccurate thing to say anyway. Maybe some sort of Tom Cruise / Katie Holmes based joke about not eating the placenta? Again though this could be deemed insensitive if placenta is on the menu. It's the type of minefield Princess Di dedicated her life to cleaning up. In the end I went with some sort of Best Wishes / Good luck combo which although fitting felt a little lightweight. Let me know any suggestions for future baby card situations. Contribute now or suffer the wrath of a lackluster message in the future!



Saturday, 18 July 2009

Go Go Free Ranger

Kinder Eggs are amazing. I love them. But just because I love something doesn't mean I won't try and improve it (Just ask my girlfriend... kidding.) Yes, I have come up with way to improve the Kinder Egg, a kind of Kinder Egg spin off. Get ready for this....


Oh yes, a Kinder Egg raised with the care and treated with respect. An ethical Kinder Egg larger than any you have ever seen. A Kinder Egg where you will definitely receive a cool toy. Never again will you open the capsule to find yet another porcelain gorilla. No my friend, you've just found a fucking Transformer!

Give me a call Kinder. You know where to find me.

In other news, I have been tweeting my dreams. Not my hopes and dreams (I keep them in my Dear Diary) but the ones I have when I sleep. Check the sidebar or Follow Me!



Tuesday, 14 July 2009


In the furore over MJ's untimely demise there has been one question people have been refusing to ask... Why isn't Alien Ant Farm - Smooth Criminal on repeat on the music channels? It should at least have headlined the funeral / tribute. Still, you may suggest Alien Ant Farm are actually deader than MJ. You'd be wrong. They are back together and working on new material. Let's hope they can be the one good thing to come from this tragedy. God bless you.

In other news don't watch Prom Night. A more derivative, predictable, dull and stupid film I haven't seen for a long while. I think the strangest thing is the complete lack of gore. In a post-Scream world it's confusing how this thing even gets made. Try My Bloody Valentine 3d instead.



Friday, 3 July 2009

Escape Plan

It's that time again. The new issue of Gallery is out. Because of my UK sojourn this article had to be written two weeks in advance so there's a slight (LARGE) chance that in my hastiness I may have included previews for two flops (At least Empire suggests they are). I also made no mention of Public Enemies. I shall atone for this by going to see it tonight. Still, Depp, Bale, Mann and gangsters. I'm sure you don't need me to tell you this is going to be good... unless you're simple.

Staying on film Tom sent me this quite hilarious and accurate review of Transformers 2 from topless robot. Check it out here.