Tuesday, 19 June 2007

Godzilla v Mystery Box

Today I had a million dollar idea. A cardboard box that solves mysteries. Miss Haddycomb is mystery box's minder, she works as a maid at a hotel.

Excerpt from Mystery Box and The Case of The Golden Crab
By Steve Lawrence

Miss Haddycomb shared a knowing glance with Homeo Gonzalez. In the glint of his eye she couldn't help but recall the passionate and angry sex they had enjoyed just the night before.
''Mystery Box has discovered the culprit. The person who killed Humbert Dopeadrape and stole the Golden Crab. It was simple really, they were the only person with the means and motivation.''
On saying this Haddycomb reached into Mystery Box and retrieved an envelope. Slowly she broke the seal and pulled out a small piece of paper.
''The identity of the murderer is my humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps.''
She stood looking at the assembled crowd with a stern look on her face. A small giggle squirted out from behind Homeo's hand. This set off Dr Lotheryubb. Soon the whole room was in raptures. A look of confusion spread across Miss Haddycomb's rounded features until she suddenly realised what had just happened.
''Oh Mystery Box. You're so wacky!''
She reached inside and pulled out another envelope.
''The real murderer is Nurse Bangabout.''
The room continued to laugh as Bangabout was taken away by the police. She later died after receiving a lethal injection. The Golden Crab was returned to the museum and China was saved.

The End


Monday, 18 June 2007


I am currently suffering with a sore throat. I don't want to be melodramatic but at one point I was considering writing my will. Online of course. I don't think then it would be legal. Laws don't apply to the internet. So at the moment I havn't really eaten in the past two days and I'm smacked off my tits on Beechums. I think that if I was going to be truly addicted to any drug I'd like it to be some sort of all purpose cough syrup. It doesn't taste very nice but then again I guess neither does heroin. It's the warm feeling in my stomach I get afterward and I know it says non-drowsy but I was damn well drowsy today. I've not been ODing, don't get me into rehab yet (No no no). Though I imagine rehab could be a quite relaxing sort of holiday. I bet Pete Doherty doesn't even like smack, he just enjoys the breaks to Thailand and stuff. So yes, everyone drink Beechums, even if your not ill.

I have also recently come to a conclusion. You must have heard Rihanna - Umbrella by now. At first the song didn't really appeal to me. Now I believe it to be one of the most important pieces of art in human history. It works on a base level with the beautiful poetry of the lyrics and Rihanna's sexy gyrating. I mean I would get under her umbrella anytime. EH! EH! Wink! Wink! Nudge! Nudge! But I also think the song is some sort of prophecy. Check this for a coincidence, I only really began to appreciate the song this Saturday, just a couple of days after I was gifted a turtle umbrella. I say coincidence BUT I THINK NOT!!

Its sort of like a Da Vinci Code conspiracy and it's going to go global. Soon everyone will be getting umbrellas and then appreciating Rihanna and then maybe some sort of turtle race will rise up. HOLD-UP. Before any of you try and cash in on this I'm nearly finished the novel. It's called The Umbrella Turtle Rihanna Featuring Jay-Z Code. It stars a hunky young archaelogist called Steve who must along with his spunky cyborg sidekick Mountbot uncover the secrets of the aforementioned code before the turtle monsters. He has sex with Rihanna lots.



Tuesday, 12 June 2007

Shag The Honkie

So everyone on the planet (except Jonesy) has a Facebook account by now. What is on Facebook is pretty much gospel. If you're not friends on Facebook then you're just not friends. I don't know if you even count as an aquaintance if you're not someone's Facebook friend. Anyway this isn't an advert for Facebook. This is a confession... I'm worried.

Facebook has recently introduced third party applications. Things like favourite musicians, graffiti walls and even fortune cookies. This has had some people worrying it is turning into My Space or Bebo. I'm not worried about this, eventually all of these social networking sites were going to become sort of homogenised. Facebook will remain in my mind the market leader because of its sleek design and the fact these applications are largely optional. Things will be fine as long as people aren't allowed to be too 'original' and 'unique' with their page designs, turning them into the neon disco advert head fucks many people's My Space pages became. My worries are to do with the currency of information.

Now the CIA connection to Facebook is based on some very shakey evidence and lots of hearsay basically it is probably bullshit. However, the fact remains these pages contain lots of information. If someone or some company had control of all this information they could theoretically use it to take over the world! OR MAYBE THEY ALREADY HAVE!

On the other hand maybe the fact that all students love Family Guy or that I have a hard on for Wyclef Jean's 'Perfect Gentleman' might not be that much use to any evil dictatorship. Still, most importantly, Facebook is much better for stalking than MySpace ever was.

Biffy Clyro's new album 'Puzzle' is pretty darn amazing. Its probably their most accesible album and will certainly appeal to those who found them a little too heavy in the past (grow a pair). Every track is strong and worth a repeat listen. Today I bought Hellogoodybe's album 'Zombies! Aliens! Vampires! Dinosaurs!' This decision was largely based on the excellent title and the fact Amazon told me I would like it. I trust Amazon, they tell it like it is. I had heard the one song 'Here (In Your Arms)' and on first listen the rest seem to reach the same level of electro emo cool. Electremo. Brilliant new genre.

Finally, Copernicus is Polish. How did that happen?