Monday, 23 July 2007

Prime Position

So the furore over Mr Potter has sort of died down and I still don't care. I'm not sure why. I have recently been trying to figure this out. It seems like something I should be into. I read some articles, one suggested the book's popularity came from the fact that it's basically a detective novel dressed up in magical robes and made-up words. It had a good point but see I like detective novels and I don't like Harry Potter. In the end I think it's just the central principle that bothers me. For something so incredibly popular its not exactly a very original idea. There is a sort of familiarity to the concept and you know what I decided... Harry Potter is basically X-Men except they all have the same power. True some use the power better than others but its basically the same thing. Think about it... it's either that or a rewriting of Star Wars! I'm not saying I'm a hater (yo), I liked the films and I really can't describe the disdain I feel for those who have tried to ruin it for those who do enjoy it, I'm just saying it's a craze thats passed me by and I can't quite say why.

Still put Harry Potter against a giant motherfucking Transforming robot and no spells going to save him!

Transformers was without doubt one of the greatest films I have ever seen! I'm an old school Transformers fan, Optimus Prime is sitting here on my desk right now, I watched the classic animated movie before going and I have to say I had my reservations. (Bay made Pearl Harbour for fucks sake!) Still, I was blown away. I lost count of the times the hairs on the back of my neck stood up and they don't just stand up for any old thing. Of course the action was big and loud and exciting but it also had laughter (watch and learn Eddie Murphy) and heart, shiney robot heart. Also its a good thing robots cant get erection because they would be destroying all sorts of buildings with Megan Fox running about. There are of course numerous geeky moments to enjoy like Optimus Prime and Megatron quoting the original animated movie dialogue from their climactic battle. In conclusion go and see it. If you don't enjoy it I probably hate you.

Oh and here's hoping for Hot Rod and Unicron in the inevitable sequel! Oh and some Van Halen on the soundtrack. YOU'VE GOT THE TOUCH!!!


Monday, 16 July 2007

The Ending of Harry Potter!


Yes ladies and gentlemen it is a Fortress of Steveitude World Exclusive!!!! The final page of the new Harry Potter before anyone else can see it! If you do not wish to be spoiled then leave now! NOW I tell thee! How did I get hold of it you ask? Well those rumours in the press of JK Rowling and Chris De Burgh dating might have a little bit more truth to them than Ms Rowling's restraining order suggests. So without further adieu... The final page of Harry Potter!!!!!!!!!



Harry woke up in a sweat. He put his glasses on and looked around his room. Everything seemed normal, he felt relieved.


Harry’s mother entered the room with a plate of his favourite breakfast treat, toast with no sort of topping arranged into the shape of a sun.
‘You better hurry up Harry or you’ll be late for school.’
‘What did you call me mister?’
‘Oh I’m sorry Mom. I had the strangest dream where I was a wizard and I was at a wizard school and there were witches and giants and I played this weird sport with broomsticks and you and Dad had been killed by this evil guy with no nose who actually turned out to be a time travelling version of me from the future and I was totally into Asian chicks.’
Mrs Potter chuckled.
‘Gosh Harry what did you eat before going to sleep last night?’
‘I did eat lots of Cheese.’
‘Well that’s probably it. Asian chicks! You have a powerful imagination my boy. But seriously you know that stories of wizards and witches are paganism and a filthy affront to God. If you were a boy wizard you would most certainly be going to hell!’
‘Yes I know that Mother. I guess the dreams were just teaching me that very message. I’m glad I’m just a humble servant of Christ and not some soldier of Satan.’

So Harry got up, ate his breakfast, brushed his teeth and put on his clothes ready for school. Harry was very lucky in that the school he went to taught creationism rather than any of that evolution nonsense. Before he left the door though he looked up at his painting of Jesus (who was definitely white) and said a prayer very quietly under his breath.

‘Dear Lord,
Thank you for the fact that I live in a world where your son died for my sins,
Thank you for the fact that I live in a world where the only real magic is the love of a Christian for a brother or sister in faith,
Thank you for writing the Bible and making all fictional books pointless and unnecessary,
And finally if you deem it necessary for me to have the same dream again can you make it so that I get to bang Hermione. It’s probably not realistic that she gets with the ginger.

Harry smiled at Jesus and Jesus smiled back.

The End?????

Wow! What a shocker. I can tell you I certainly wasn't disappointed. I particularly liked the question marks at the end as they leave things open for a further book after Ms Rowling finishes her next novel 'Tom Clancy's Operation Leopard Storm 4000'. I can also exclusively reveal Mel Gibson is in talks to direct the movie adaptation. The only thing holding up the deal is his demand that Voldemoort is replaced as main villain with Jerry Seinfeld.


NOTE: All of the above may be fictional. I say may, it definitely is.

Sunday, 15 July 2007

Mack to the Future 2

As with any movie that has even the smallest chance of making a profit my small time independent time travel has been upgraded to a full blown ultra massive budget trilogy. Sadly because of certain creative differences I will not be involved in the sequel. Young avant garde love child of John Travolta Tom Haywood is taking over the reigns. Here is how the IMDB describes the film...

'Jason Biggs is a frustrated teenage geek who is having no luck with the ladies, that is until his wacky scientist father Eugene Levy invents a time machine, sending the manic pair forwards in to the future! Jason see's the chance for a change in his fortunes, and begins to play the field, only to find out he's been mackin' on his future daughter! Incest abounds alongside some seriously funny gross-out comedy in this hilarious time travel teen-sex filmfest. Will Jason end up marrying his child? Will he ever get one over on the ever-present Biffler? And will he ever get back to his own time? Find out now, in Mack to the Future.'

I'm sure it will be great. Chris De Burgh is working on a techno remix of Lady In Red for the soundtrack.

(Image and text courtesy of Tom)

Monday, 9 July 2007

Past It

What is with all the blasts from the past in the last two days? COME ON! I'm twenty, I shouldn't be getting nostalgic already. I really need to finish that time machine and then go back to those days and be all 'hey this wasn't so great, maybe I romanticized things.' Either that or have a wacky Back To The Future style adventure. Dude! You're totally mackin on your mom. Hmmm a time travel sex comedy. I will pitch it to Jason Biggs. If, as usual, he doesn't reply I will see what Chris De Burgh thinks. He is sitting on the chair next to me playing Wii tennis and chugging from a carton of Cranberry juice. Chris De Burgh is crazy.

I am now working at HSBC. I would tell you what my job is but it is top secret. I also don't understand what the abbreviations mean.



Saturday, 7 July 2007

We Could Be Heroes

My Hiro...

I just finished watching Episode 23 and what can I say? The best show on TV today, maybe all time. I won't ruin it for those who havn't seen it yet (Spoilers ahoy!) but if you don't like Heroes then there is obviously something wrong with you. There I said it. And if you like Heroes then you should damn well like comics. You want to know why...

Heroes is a comic book in the form of a TV series. Content aside, it is structured like most modern comic books with single episodes building into small arcs building into one larger arc. The constant reveals and cliffhangers are what comics are all about!
2. The content. The writing staff owe more than a little to the comic book industry in terms of characters, powers and story. Claire (Teenage Cheerleader Wolverine), Parkman (Any number of Mutant Mind Readers), Jessica (The Hulk) and Peter Petrelli has more in common with a certain everyman web slinger movie star hero than just the alliteration. Nathan's speech after the election could have been written by Uncle Ben!
3. Crossover of Personnel. Many of the people involved in bringing Heroes to the screen are also involved in the comic book industry. Jeph Loeb (Co-executive Producer and Writer) is a major star for Marvel Comics. Tim Sale, provider of Isaac Mendez's art, was also chosen from the comic book talent pool. Loeb and Sale actually worked together on a number of the comics that were presented to Micah (sp?) by Candice when she was babysitting. Together they worked on one of my favourite Spider-Man stories of all time in Spider-Man: Blue.
4. You will get the comic book injokes. You will laugh at the fact the two F.B.I agents Alonso and Quesada are named after editors working at Marvel and the sword maker Claremont is named after possibly the greatest X-Men writer of all time. You will feel smart knowing Kirby Plaza is a tribute to one of the truly great comic artists of all time. You will enjoy the Stan Lee cameo all the more. You will chuckle when the phrase 'break the internet in half is used.' You will feel like a geek and it will be fine.
5. Me and you can hang out and comic book geek it up!

So are you inspired? You should be? Here's some material you should hunt down or borrow off me.

Watchmen - The granddaddy of super-hero comics. A deconstruction and celebration of heroic archetypes as well as being a damn good story. It also uses the disaster in New York to unify a divided world thing way before the human bomb and even the horrible real life events of 9 / 11.
Y: The Last Man - BKV's epic saga of the last man on Earth in a world ruled by women. It has the same mix of mystery, action and intrigue as Heroes and a similarily likeable leading man in a cast of interesting characters.
Spider-Man: Blue - I've mentioned Loeb and Sale already. This is a truly moving story of a hero haunted by loss. It also has implied off panel sex scenes.
Scott Pilgrim - Crazy cool indie manga from Brian Lee O'Malley telling the story of wannabee rock star Scott Pilgrim and his attempts to live in a crazy world of Street Fighter 2 like battles with his weird but cool girlfriend's vicious ex-boyfriends.
Blankets - Craig Thompson's raw biography of growing up in a no where town. As gripping as any super-hero fare.

Thats a start. I'll put you on the right track if you want any more!