Thursday, 18 September 2008
I am currently writing a novella about a new hard boiled detective character I have created. He is called Detective Facebook and he uses his MAD social networking skills to solve crime. Here is a sample...
'It makes no sense McGillicutty. We've gone down every avenue followed up every lead and we're no closer to catching the person responsible.'
'There's one person we haven't asked.'
Murphy winced. He knew who McGillicutty was referring to but he didn't want to hear his name.
'Not him. He's a renegade. He plays by his own rules. He doesn't stick to the book.'
'Dammit Murphy. We don't have any other option.'
'Fine... But if it all goes wrong then it's on your head.'
LATER THAT DAY
He walked into the room. A tall, smooth, milky drink of a man. Everyone paid attention to him as he surveyed the scene of the crime with his steely all knowing gaze.
'Good afternoon Detective Facebook.'
'Yes. Umm thank you.'
'Listen up Detective. Far as we can tell Gail Windmorehouse was murdered in this room. Gun shot to the head. So far we've had no luck finding anyone with the motivation.'
Detective Facebook gathered his thoughts. Slowly loading his opinion.
'September 2nd - Gail Windmorehouse and Toke Gwon San ended their relationship.'
'But I thought they were still together when she was murdered?'
'That's the day of the murder too! Are you suggesting that Toke was involved Detective?'
'August 22nd - Gail Windmorehouse added new photos 'Wild Night Out''
'Oh God, take a look at these pictures Murphy.'
'Oh... Fuck me, I think I'm going to be sick.'
'August 23rd - Toke Gwon San left the Bank of Old England Network.'
'I see where your going with this Facey. Toke was sacked from his high paying investment job because of the weird sexual photos posted by Gail Windmorehouse. He took his revenge by straight up murdering her fine white ass.'
'If only we had some proof.'
'Wait! I have an idea. What was Gail's status Detective.'
'September 2nd - Gail is being murdered by her ex-boyfriend Toke and hates the new Facebook.'
'Alright! Great work detective. I think we can call this a case closed.'
'I have to give it to you Detective Facebook. I don't like your methods but without you we would never have caught that perp.'
'Sam Tannahill has bitten you. Click here to install the Vampires v Werewolves application.'
'Detective Facebook! Ha ha ha ha ha.'
I wanted to get in before Aaron Sorkin's Facebook movie script. Take that you witty bastard!
Wednesday, 17 September 2008
Does anyone else feel a tinge of sadness when they listen to McFly's ode to banging Lindsay Lohan 'Please, Please'? It's cool that she is totally gay for Sam Ronson now but I can't help but think McFly need to add a couple more pleases if they're going to turn her back. Actually on second thoughts Sam Ronson does kind of look like a guy. Maybe it won't be so tough.
Friday, 12 September 2008
So the world didn't end. Brilliant. In celebration I went to see Rocknrolla last night. I have to say that the funny and well written preview in Gallery was absolutely spot on. Kudos to whoever wrote that. I'm not always THAT into Guy Ritchie's movies but it was really entertaining and had some really nice moments. Particularily *SPOILER ALERT* the slow dance. Actually that doesn't spoil anything. The only problem I have is that I have a very strong feeling that although Danny Dyer isn't onscreen he is lurking in the background somewhere. He's always lurking that one.
Wednesday, 10 September 2008
Plenty of people have been going on about how today is probably going to be the end of the world. If you don't know what the fuck I'm talking about then you should totally read this article. I have to admit that I was slightly concerned until I listened to the above edutational rap. My eyes have been opened, Steve-O Town's next album is going to be entirely about theoretical physics. I sort of hope the God Particle does exist, them physicists are sure going to have a lot of work to do if it doesn't. Still, if it does all go wrong doesn't that machine look like just the sort of thing that is going to give a mild mannered scientist super-powers? Maybe all the scientists could get merged into one super intelligent being and then that being could be like President of the World. That is if the Barack Obama / Ryan Reynolds dream team that I have written all those slash fiction short stories about doesn't want the job.
Tuesday, 9 September 2008
What would you do if your son was at home, crying all alone on the bedroom floor because he's hungry and the only way to feed him is to sleep with a man for a little bit of money?
I found a CD with that City High song on it yesterday and I have been pondering this question myself. Surely there was another way? Maybe gambling. I don't know. It's tough moral ground. The type of ground this blog refuses to tread.
Friday, 5 September 2008
Jose Franco asks 'Why didn't you put 'Anaconda' in your article?'
Well my Mexican friend I'm pretty sure that 'Anaconda' isn't a plane movie. I can see why you're confused. Back when we were younger we would watch a double bill of Con Air and Anaconda every weekend. Also I'm pretty sure you've seen 'Snakes On a Plane'. There is no such thing as 'Anacondas On a Plane'. You would need a really big fucking plane. But you know 'Snakes On a Plane' started on a blog. (Check it out here, it's hilarious) Maybe this is the start for 'Anacondas On a Plane. Jose you will receive no credit.
In other news, Usher is doing a tour of nightclubs which only women can attend. Well he's already expressed his desire to make love in the club. If he can't manage it with the odds stacked in his favour like this then I think he should just give up. GOOOOOOOOOOO USHER!
Finally it's been announced that Lee Eisenberg and Gene Stupinsky are going to write Ghostbusters 3. These guys are involved with The U.S Office and are pretty much an incredible choice for this movie. I loved Ghostbusters as a child and it fills me with joy and glee that they are carrying on the franchise and not rebooting.
Thursday, 4 September 2008
Steveitude has hit the streets. That's right kids my mindsplosions have escaped the internet and landed themselves in the latest issue of Gallery Magazine (pictured above). There is a September Movie preview and a list of three flying films I think you'll totally enjoy (And one you probably wont). It even has the obligatory Eddie Murphy reference. So go out there and grab yourself a copy.... IT'S FREE! If you're not in Jersey or you fear leaving your house because you think a cabal of highly intelligent zoo animals is trying to kill you then don't despair. The magazine is currently in the process of uploading all articles to their website.
Tuesday, 2 September 2008
Well it looks like Man City are buying everything these days. Abu Dhabai Group if you are interested in getting your hands on a rarely updated personal / pop culture blog then drop me a line. I'm thinking like £20 million? It's only half a Robinho and he can barely speak English let alone write scathing reviews of terrible movies and television shows in the language.
Do you watch 30 Rock? You should. At the moment I am alternating between Season 2 of the show and episodes of The US Office Season 3 with the commentary on. Good Times. Last night I watched 'Lars And The Real Girl' which is definitely the best movie about a guy who is deluded into thinking his blow up sex doll is a real person that I have ever seen.
Tomorrow... Exciting news!!!!
Monday, 1 September 2008
Note to people at gigs who sit on other people's shoulders to get a better view: We did not come to the gig to see you. Please do not turn around during the gig and either -
(a) Put your arms out to lap up the applause. We are not cheering for you. We are cheering for either the band or the person who has hit you with their drink.
(b) Try and egg on the audience. I am having a good time anyway, I don't need you trying to get me going, that is the band's job. You look like a wanker.
I have no problem with people sitting on shoulders... just when they think this makes them part of the show. Also I am confused about flags. Why does someone need a flag to express their love of flowers? In addition, why does said person need to walk around the crowd depending on which song is playing. We can see your shit flag from wherever we are!