Sunday, 25 May 2008

What is Girlicious?

These girls would fuck you... For Money... Probably.

The Pussycat Dolls Presents: Girlicious is the latest in a long long line of 'Making The Band' Realtiy Television shows that started with the birth of the now legendary O-Town and is the follow-up to 'Lets find another anonymous stripper type to dance behind the one that can sing in The Pussycat Dolls' or whatever that one was called. The difference between this one and that is now they are looking for a whole band of quasi-prostitutes to form a new band ingeniously called 'Girlicious'.

The show seems to revolve around the contestants living in a luxury flat and bitching about each other and snapping their fingers lots. There is some singing and dancing bits but it is seriously about 90% bitching. At the end of the show the two judges tell one of the girls 'You're not Girlicious' (Nicki claims this catchphrase is purely a construct of my imagination but if it isn't in the show then it damn well should be) and they have to fuck off. I guess the question you're now asking yourself is 'what does it mean to be Girlicious?' Well, being Girlicious seems to involve dressing like a whore (At all times, seriously there was a fight as one contestant told another that her casual lounge wear wasn't slutty enough. She insisted it was), wearing lots of make-up and making vague assertions about girl power based on misheard lyrics from Spice Girls and Destiny's Child songs. A contestant having too much dignity is pretty much the main reason for them being kicked off. I AM DEFINITELY GIRLICIOUS.

Still, this has given me an idea. Coming to a television set near you...

Steveitude Productions Presents 'Degraded'.
The show works thusly... A group of twelve girls live together in a disgusting hovel, performing various tasks set by 'musical guru' Chris De Burgh, as the weeks go on they are whittled down to a group of four called 'Degraded'. Like every other show? Yes. But, importantly, what Girlicious has shown me is that the girls don't need to be talented, attractive or likeable. In fact the larger their personality disorder the more entertaining they are likely to be. Brilliant. The tasks will also help to set my show apart, it's called Degraded for a reason. Immunity challenges will include the girls racing to suck off a record executive, seeing who can make the most money as a Soho Prostitute (Billie Piper was a prostitute on TV, it's cool) and of course a Les-off. At the end Chris will yell 'You've Been Degraded' and they will be punched in the face by Audley Harrison. It's going to be great.

Oh and if that doesn't work, how about Didier Drogba presents Drogbalicious? He could search for a strike partner and then laugh in their face as whoever replaces the charismatic Avram Grant plays him up front by himself.


Wednesday, 14 May 2008

The Return Of Sex!

Oh my God girlfriends it's only just over a week till the nationwide release of The Sex And The City Movie and I am so totally excited. The Sex And The City TV Show was great because it was the first television show to ever write women as characters rather than as eye candy for the male audience. Never before had we seen women on television wearing shoes, sipping cocktails and whineing about men. It truly was a revolution. And now it is all happening again. Not since 'My Super Sweet Sixteen: The Movie' have I anticipated a film adaptation of a television series this much and not until 'Ice Skating With Celebrities: The Movie' will I do so again. In honour of the film's release here are my Top 5 SATC: The Movie predictions.

1. Samantha will have sex... with an animal. Think about it, Samantha spent episode after episode breaking the taboos created by the male centred hierarchies. At one point she even went Lesbian! There's almost nothing left for her to do... Except a horse.

2. A baby and a pet will collide to hilarious effects. Babies and kittens are so totally cute. Imagine if a baby and a kitten met. OMG it would be 2CFW (Too Cute For Words).

3. The characters will wear some totally hot clothes. YOU JUST KNOW THEY WILL!

4. The Sex And The City Movie will sweep the 2009 Oscars. For years the Academy have ignored totally romantic (The Notebook), totally funny (Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde) and totally movies that totally relate to my life (Free Willy 2). But how will they ignore a movie that is totally romantic, totally funny and totally a movie that totally relates to my life?? Not easily is the answer. And just imagine the dresses the girls would wear to the ceremony.

5. There will be an dark and ominous ending followed by 'To Be Continued...'

I'll see you there on the front row, low fat popcorn and small diet coke in hand!