Monday, 31 December 2007

Search For The Hero

Happy New Year's Eve Readers. In every paper, on every TV channel and on every website there are reviews of the year being presented and you know what most of them are REALLY REALLY negative. 2007 wasn't that bad was it? So England failed in some sporting events... What's new? Sure there was some bad stuff happening and some shite on Television, but there is every year. I don't give a fuck if Britney shaved her head or Paris Hilton went to prison. All in all these things do very little to effect me.

Instead I want to celebrate what was good about 2007. Let us celebrate the heroes:

Optimus Prime
Judd Apatow (Writer-Director of Knocked Up and Producer of Superbad)
Michael Cera (Clark & Michael, Arrested Development, Superbad)
The Mighty Boosh
Fernando Torres

Ryan Jarman (The Cribs)

Hiro Nakamura

Sarah Silverman

The Barenaked Ladies

Flight of the Conchords

R. Kelly

The list could go on and on and in each case I could write an entry on each person but frankly I don't have the time. Instead I am going to select a single hero. One man who has stood above others and shone like some sort of shining star. Ladies and Gentleman, join me in saluting....


OK, Akon did some bad things in 2007.
He did sort of assault a fan on stage. (BOOM TOWN!)

And he did simulate sex with a 15 year old Minister's daughter on stage in a club.
Some might even suggest his music is a bit shit.
BUT.... He apologised. Yes, Akon said 'Sorry, blame it on me.'

Through the medium of song Akon did what so few celebrities have ever had the guts to do. He made a heartfelt apology. The song starts...

As life goes on I’m starting to learn more and more about responsibility
I realize everything I do is affecting the people around me So I want to take this time out to apologize for things I have done And things that have not occurred yet And the things they don’t want to take responsibility for

Akon's trials and tribulations have taught him shit. He not only apologises for things he has done but also for things that havn't occurred yet. Yeah there are a few excuses...

I’m sorry for Club Zen getting shut down
I hope they manage better next time around How was I to know she was underage In a 21 and older club they say

He is right though. Yes graphically simulating sex on stage was probably a bad idea but it is sort of the club's fault too. And the media, yeah media, TAKE SOME BLAME TOO YOU BUNCH OF BASTARDS! Furthermore, he apologises for things other people have done! Akon positions himself as a sort of Hip Hop Messiah. Next time you do something wrong, put the blame on Akon, he can take it. He sang for our sins and we should be thankful. (Though R. Kelly if you're reading this I don't think trying to put the blame on Akon in your court case will work)

In years to come Akon's sacrifice will be recognised. Just remember where you read about it first.




PS - 50th Post!

Thursday, 27 December 2007

Street Fight For Your Right

I love Kristin Kreuk. She is insanely hot. Correct me if I'm wrong but I have never met a guy who wouldn't. She has an allure to her, this sort of distinct (distinctly hot) look to her. Still her career has never really taken off past Smallville and looking at this article I don't think it is going to anytime soon.

Kristin Kreuk as Chun Li in a Street Fighter spin off movie. Apparently it is unrelated to the big steaming pile of dog turd that is the Jean Claude Van Damme / Kylie Minogue / why isn't anyone fighting / why doesn't American army sergeant Guile have a clearly eastern European accent / Blanka is just a skinny green guy with a haircut that makes him look like Chuckie from Rugrats Street Fighter Movie but that doesn't mean it will do anything but suck. IT IS STILL A VIDEO GAME MOVIE.

I think maybe recreating the true Street Fighter 2 experience in live action movie might be pretty shit anyway. I remember playing the game as a kid. I remember picking fat fat fatty sumo E.Honda and using my repetitive fast punching move to beat everyone. Who wants to watch that movie? And how do you explain the scene where E.Honda kicks the shit out of a parked car for absolutely no reason. Bonus points? Whatever.

Did anyone see The Extras finale? Really great stuff again and surprisingly uplifting considering all that went on (Not going to spoil it too much for anyone who hasn't seen it yet.) It has to be said though, Stephen Merchant, Barry and Dean Gaffeney dancing to a ring tone = Comedy Genius.



Wednesday, 26 December 2007

For The Kids

Many people have claimed modern Video Games inspire violence, social deviancy and bad body odor. Obviously most of these people are complete knobtards but that isn't going to stop them campaigning for the banning of these games. I think I have a solution...

Steve-Co presents... WII Doin Time
Yes, that's right kids! The first video game replicating exactly what it is like to be imprisoned in a modern day correctional facility. Choose your difficulty level from Petty Thief, Drug Trafficker or Terrorist with a penchant for Rape and Murder and embark on your stint in the big house. Using the power of the Wii you will have to (amongst other things)
-Win over your cell mate by wanking them off
-Knife potential rivals during recreation time in the prison yard
-Wank off fellow prisoners in the shower to get them on your team (Don't drop the soap!)
-Inject heroin your sweetheart smuggled in for you.
Will you become 'The Don' or will you end up in solitary confinement??

It'll be brilliant. There could be a celebrity endorsement. Like John Madden or Wayne Gretzky but, you know, someone who has done time. Maybe Kiefer Sutherland. He has street cred. I mean he's fucking Jack Bauer! I would play that game.

What sort of Kid is going to go want to turn to a life of crime after wanking off a bunch of virtual psychos for hours on end? I'll tell you, the sort of kid who is going to be fucked up whether they play video games or not. Plus all these potential murderers are going to end up with frail wrists so that's good too.



Tuesday, 25 December 2007

The Christmas Message

Merry Christmas to one and all!

I hope everyone has had an enjoyable and relaxing day so far. Here at Bingo Bob's Winter Wonderland it has pretty much been business as usual. Good food, gifts (check back later in the week for some commentary) and conversation ranging from the interesting to the borderline crazy. Straddling the line between the sublime and the ridiculous is my Grandfather talking about Turkeys.... Allow me to share ....

Did you know Turkeys can (AND WILL) be sea sick. Oh yes. Years and years ago my Grandfather ran a fish shop in the market. Every Christmas he would be given the job of travelling to France to pick up the Turkeys (Yes I know they aren't fish) for the shop. Well Grandpa would do just this and every year on the way back his boat would be filled with Turkeys throwing their guts up. It isn't much of a story really. He never befriended a Turkey and helped it to safety though I think that's the sort of idea Pixar would gobble up (GET IT?). Anyway, Turkeys get sea sick... FACT.

As well as that Turkey knowledge I bring you the gift of my personal heroes Justin Timberlake and The Lonely Island Boys singing a very special Emmy Award Winning Christmas song. I am very much a purveyor of Christmas musicality. I like some of the usual stuff burnt into our ear drums every year but I would also recommend hunting down Fall Out Boy's Christmas offering 'Yule Shoot Your Eyes Out' and the various covers of songs from The Nightmare Before Christmas performed by F.O.B, Panic et all. Also you just can't go wrong with Sufjan Stevens at this time of year. He has a ridiculous number of Christmas songs all about a million times more powerful than the X-Factor shite topping the chart today.

Peace AND Love


Sunday, 23 December 2007

Still Waiting For Mandy

I don't talk to my brother a great deal when I'm at university. I think I should talk to him more. Today I found out that the girl who lives in the room next to him is a stripper. Yes, a stripper. The sort of girl who takes her clothes off in a club whilst men shove cash money into her g-string. The type of girl who Wyclef Jean wrote one damn fine song for. Just because she dances go-go it don't make her a ho no. That's not all. This stripper neighbour is only seventeen. Oh and her Father has written a play about her life which is now touring. Oh yes,

Did I mention that in the play her father has changed things around so that she dies in the end? Still, Chris says she is a nice girl and that if she has a particularly good night she buys the people on her corridor lunch the next day. A pretty sweet deal if you ask me. I wish one of my housemates was a stripper. Paul could maybe do it though I imagine he would be reluctant to remove any of his glittery scarves.



Saturday, 15 December 2007

The Power of Imagination

(Tannas prior to an imaginary three way)
There are plenty of good things about being single. There are things you can do that you wouldn't be able to do if you were in a relationship or whatever. One of these things is make up an imaginary girlfriend. I mean you could fixate on a real person and pretend you're going out with them but I mean where's the fun in that? (There may also be certain legal issues which may become a problem if you get really into it) It's all about using your imagination... You can give her a name, a back story, interests, you could even make a Facebook profile for her. Looks of course are very important, why not draw yourself a picture? She can literally look however you want her to. You could even give her cool accessories like a hook or a gun for a hand. There's no limit to the fun you can have. I like to make an I-Tunes playlist entirely made up of songs containing her name and listen to it whilst I imagine we're on a date at a museum or sometimes Lazer Quest. If you're bored / lonely why not give it a go today? Just don't be like me and make your imaginary girlfriend a cheating hussy.

NOTE: You can obviously do this if you are in a relationship but it might get classed as cheating, Imaginary cheating.



Tuesday, 11 December 2007

A Nice Little Chuckle

As some of you may have noticed my housemate Dave has recently launched his own Television channel. Simply called 'Dave' it is filled with repeats of classic British TV shows such as I'm Alan Partridge, Never Mind The Buzzcocks and Top Gear (Vomit). It has been a big success and due to such the house has been filled with uber hot super models willing to fulfil Dave's every whim. Frankly, I want to get in on this action. In 2008 I will be launching 'Steve' a new channel for Modern Man. Unlike Dave I will be going for quality, innovative and most importantly entertaining new programming. To make this happen I have been meeting some of TV's biggest movers and shakers. You don't believe me? Check out this transcript of my meeting with THE CHUCKLE BROTHERS! *


Steve: Hi guys. I'm Steve, President of Steve TV and CEO of Steve-Corp.
Barry: Hello Steve.
-They Shake Hands-
Paul: Hello Steve.
-They Shake Hands but Paul forces Steve into a sawing handshake motion.-
Paul: To me.
Steve: What?
Paul: TO ME!
Barry: Not now Paul!
-The handshake is broken up-
Steve: OK then. Lets cut to the chase boys. I want to talk about the script.
Barry: We wanted to branch out.
Paul: Be taken seriously.
Barry: The script is about a married woman who is the victim of sexual violence.
Paul: She gets raped!
Barry: Yes she does. It's about the aftermath of her attack and how she somehow finds a way of coping with such a terrible ordeal.
Paul: How the baggage of the past ways down her future.
Steve: Yes I get that.
Paul: The baggage is the rape.
Steve: Yes, yes it's just during the actual sex attack I counted seven seperate visual gags in the script.
Barry: I'm not sure what you mean.
Steve: Well, for example. During the attack you and Paul are playing window cleaners who accidentally happen upon the rape.
Barry: Yes.
Steve: Well don't you think having the both of you fall off the ladder in the background might detract from the gravitas of what is happening in the foreground?
Paul: Do you think maybe one of us should be dressed as a woman?
Barry: We could be the woman being raped!
Steve: No that's not what I mean at all. Look just after that, you climb back up the ladder but you have a bucket on your foot. The script reads 'With bucket on his foot Window Cleaner Barry falls face first into the window momentarily distracting Leroy from the task of splitting Debbie in half with his mighty cock.'
Barry: We could take the bucket out. I could just slip on a sponge or something.
Steve: I think it's more of a problem with tone. A massive problem with tone.
Barry: Oh dear.
Paul: Oh dear, Oh dear.
Steve: It's not that we don't want to work with you it's just I don't think this is the right project for us. Now what would you guys think of being part of something called 'Bear Hunting With Celebrities'?


As you can plainly see, things are going great.

Bloc Party and The Cribs on Thursday Night... Yes please.



*NOTE: The above conversation with The Chuckle Brothers may not have happened. It may actually be entirely fictional. Well, OK, it is fictional. I salute you Paul and Barry. Your memory will endure.

Wednesday, 5 December 2007

Happy Hannukah

One thing I like doing is making lists. Another thing I like is receiving free food. Yesterday I received a free donut from The Jewish Society in celebration of Hannukah. So in honour of that I present.... MY TOP 5 JEWISH PEOPLE! (NOTE: Lists are subject to change)

1. Jesus Christ
Pretty self explanatory. The first super-hero if you will. Jesus used his made god given skills to help people and turn water into wine and do all sorts of crazy shit. J.C you truly had Steveitude.

2. Seth Cohen
Little known fact, Seth Cohen was actually based on me. Black hair, tropical beach setting, love of comic books, witty dialogue. Also Seth has a massive Ben Folds Five poster and I love Ben Folds. Finally, I agree Summer is hot. Obviously they had to change some things like him being Jewish and all but you can clearly see the Steve. (PS - Sandy rules too but I didn't want to just make this an I love The Cohens post)

3. Yossi Benayoun
He's pretty good. All sorts of tricks in his bag. I like him more than Ronny Rosenthal anyway.

4. Zach Braff
Now I'm not 100% sure that the Braff is Jewish. I really like to think he is. In fact I'd say I'm 85% sure he is Jewish. He has the sort of geek vibe going too. He's J.D for Pete's Sake! (Notice not Christ's sake) Also he wrote and directed Garden State which is definitely one of my top 5 movies of all time. (Another list, another time)
EDIT: Zach is definitely Jewish, his middle name is ISRAEL! Also he has OCD, you learn something new everyday I guess.

5. Phil Scullion
He had to make it onto the list somewhere. Though 'the best looking player in the C league' shouldn't get too big headed over this as he clearly ranks below people I've never met and fictional characters. Well done anyway Phil! Cement mixers on you next time.