Thursday, 25 December 2008

R.Kelly's A Christmas Carol

I promised prose and here is prose.

R.Kelly's A Christmas Carol
By Steve Lawrence

As was their Christmas Eve tradition R.Kelly and Usher sat in R's Aviary sipping at expensive cognac and admiring the colourful plumage of the various exotic birds circling their heads.
'Yo Ush.'
'What up Kells?'
'I bought you this present. Think you'll really like this present.'
Kells handed his friend a gift which he quickly unwrapped. A smile danced its way onto his face.
'Wow Kells, a bottle of 'Scent of Usher'. '
'Playa I saw it and I thought of you.'
'Well I guess you would... Here, Christmas spirit back at you.'
Kells' gift was in a large box. He opened it and looked quizzically at the object sitting in front of him.
'What as it?'
'It's a life-like latex vagina. With all the trouble you've been getting into this year with the ladies I thought a meat hole you could pound without any fear of reprisal might be just the ticket.'
'Thanks playa. Mind if I take it for a test run?'
The bell rang before R could insert himself into the plastic love tunnel in what might turn out to be quite an awkward situation. Instead he went to answer the door.

Standing on the doorstep of R's Million dollar mansion was a group of carol singers wrapped up in their warmest clothes and holding candles burning in the night.
'Greetings crackers.'
'Good evening Mr. Kelly. Might we sing a song for you?' Enquired one cheeky cockney scamp.
'Why of course young oppressor.'
The choir prepared themselves, Kells stood waiting expectantly. There was nothing.
'I thought you said you were going to sing?'
'Well we want to Mr Kelly but it's just that we don't have any songs.' Said Grant, a bespectacled man who worked in a Zoo.
'There are plenty of songs.' Said his boyfriend Phil.
'But they're all terrible.' Added Melvin the Magician who stood at the back of the crowd playing with his magic wand.
'Would you write us a song Mr Kelly sir?' Asked the cheeky cockney scamp.
'You can't ask Mr Kelly that. He's probably busy celebrating Christmas with his extended Hip Hop family.' Snapped Phil.
'Hold on white-bread. Maybe I can do something for you. But you're going to have to help me.'

So R invited his new friends into his home recording studio and they got to work on a song. Usher brought the A-Town funk and Kelly brought his songwriting genius, in a matter of hours they had put together a song to put all other carols to shame. The ghost of John Lennon who of course lived with R after he had won him at auction said 'That was much better than any of the shit I ever wrote.' But R still felt there was something missing,
'I think there's something missing Ush.'
'For real dawg?'
'This is clearly the best Christmas song ever but I think it's missing the R factor.'
'You're right, we want this to stand up against even the best chapters of Trapped In The Closet. But what can we do?'
R pulled out his two-way and dialed a couple of numbers. Soon the doorbell rang again. It was Akon and Lil Jon and Lil Wayne all ready to help R with his Christmas dream.
'Yo playa this shit is fucking grinding like a stripper at happy hour.' Said Lil Jon whilst taking a sip of egg nog from his jewel encrusted goblet.
'Affirmative.' Beeped Lil Wayne in his robotic voice.
'I don't know how you could hope to improve it R old chap.' Said Akon who was actually very posh.
'What about crunk?' Enquired Lil Jon.
'What do you mean?' Asked R.
'Well do you have any of that with you?'
'Sorry my nizzle but I used it all up crunking with some biyatches last night in Vegas.'
'What about you Lil Wayne?'
'Sorry old bean but I too am fresh out.'
It looked like it was back to the drawing board for R when suddenly the door-bell rang for a third time. Kells was shocked to find Chris De Burgh standing on his doorstep.
'Good evening young man.' Said the legendarily smooth singer songwriter. 'My car has broken down outside. Do you have a phone I could use?'
'Your Chris De Burgh!' Said R excitedly who was a huge fan of Lady In Red and had used it many times to help him seduce girls who were definitely over the age of consent or at least told him that.
'This might sound strange Mr De Burgh but do you happen to have any crunk with you?'
'Well as you ask I actually have a great deal of crunk in my trunk. You'll have to help me sort the junk in my trunk to get to the crunk but I'm sure I do have crunk in my trunk.'
R smiled a smile as wide as a really big booty.

With Chris De Burgh's help R finished the song. A good thing too, it was 11.30pm and only half an hour till Christmas Day.
'Thank you for writing this Hip Hop / RnB mash up for us to sing on our carols Mr Kelly, but it isn't fair that only the people of this fine street get to hear it.' Said the cockney child fighting back the effects of chimney sweep's lung.
R agreed with the child. It was the best Christmas song ever and he felt that in this time of financial turmoil the whole world needed to hear it.
'I have an idea.' Chirped up Akon. 'Earlier this year I was doing community service working in a factory for a man who might be able to help you with distribution.'

R and his friends sat in the parlor waiting for Akon's friend to arrive. Lil Jon regaled them with tales of the skanky prostitutes he had slept with the night before when... BELLS!
'SANTA!!' Screamed Lil Jon who was excited like a little girl.
It was five to twelve, not a moment too soon. Everyone rushed to their feet ready to greet the bearded one himself, everyone except R. He slipped out the room and headed to his bedroom.

'Yo Kells.'
'What up Ush?'
'You should come and see Santa's here, you won't believe it Santa's here.'
'I'm not coming.'
'But why Kells? This is your song.'
Kells looked down at the ground.
'I can't... I think I'm on the naughty list.'
'No... No, you can't be. Playa, you're my hero. You're that star up in the sky, you're that mountain peak up high. You're the world's greatest.'
'Not anymore. Do you know that this year I gave less money to charity than last year? Look at Angelina Jolie, she's a real role model. I didn't adopt a single kid.'
'Don't talk like this Kells, she's a ho.'
'No Ush. You should go duet with her, I bet she has a husky and soulful singing voice.'
'Come on Kells. You've had a tough year and lawyers are expensive.'
Kells just looked away. Just then there was a knock at the door, it was Santa.
'Hello User, Hello R.'
'Yo Claus.'
'This is for you.'
Santa handed R a gift.
'So I've been a good boy?'
'Not necessarily. What you have to remember R is that you're a celebrity. You're better than a regular person. It doesn't matter if you're bad or good all we expect is that your behaviour is outlandish.'
'Wow thanks Santa. You've taught me the true meaning of Christmas.'
'Open it now, I think you'll like it.'
R unwrapped the gift to find another latex vagina.
'Did you keep the receipt?'
The three laughed heartily for a full minute.
'I'm sorry I can't stay for longer but I have to deliver your song to the world!'
'Thanks Santa!'

So Santa delivered the song to the world and it was universally agreed that it was the best Christmas song ever. Jesus even took the time to thank R and his friends personally in his annual Christmas message. Even more excitingly the song featured in the background of the 'Two Pints of Lager & A Packet of Crisps vs Gavin & Stacey Live Christmas Special'.

Back at Kells' house R and all his friends sat around playing games and exchanging gifts. As the day progressed they all got a little drunk and started taking turns on the latex vaginas. Everyone was happy that R now had two of them because it meant they didn't have to wait very long for their turn. Everyone except the ghost of John Lennon that is because he was a ghost and therefore couldn't have sex with the latex vagina.




Sunday, 21 December 2008

Tut Tut

There have been some crazy rumours going on surrounding the new Batman film. Most of these are blatantly false and just seem to exist to boost viewing figures for the sites that post them. Well, not wanting to be one to miss a trick here are my 'top three totally hot almost definitely true but maybe not true rumours for the third of Nolan's Batman films'-

1. The film will feature not one, not two but three Robins. They will all be played by Zac Effron with CGI playing a major part in distinguishing them.
2. The main villain of the piece will be King Tut from the old 60s TV show and the plot will revolve around a wacky time travel adventure (This is what brings in the three Robins). Could Batman be The Joker's father???
3. Michael Caine will sing the theme tune. A song he penned on the set of The Dark Knight simply called 'At The Bat'.

In other news my hours of campaigning seemingly hasn't paid off and 'Jizz In My Pants' didn't make it to number one. Maybe next year I'll write my own Christmas song. It is fast approaching Christmas now and that means you have my semi-legendary Christmas blog to look forward to. This year I'm writing prose and no it isn't a Detective Facebook Christmas special.

Check out on the right now and you can see what I'm doing and thinking and stuff through the magic of Twitter. It's Arsene 'Voyeur' Wenger's dream come to life.



Monday, 15 December 2008

The Jizzness

On second thoughts maybe this should be Christmas number one...



Sunday, 14 December 2008

The X-Facts Of Life

There are many Facebook groups that annoy me. People getting on their high horses (I don't like horses either) and campaigning for various shit that not THAT many people actually care about. Lazy Jersey journalists have recently taken to noting the number of Facebook groups associated to a various topic in their articles as if that actually means something.

One that has really rattled my bird cage is a group campaigning for people to download Jeff Buckley's 'Hallelujah' as a protest against the X-Factor winner covering the song for their first single. Don't get me wrong, I love Buckley's song, it's one of my favourite songs of all time. It's just a really badly thought out protest. I'm not sure if these people realise but Buckley's version was also a cover. They should be downloading Leonard Cohen. Furthermore, the reasons they give for their protest are all about X-Factor commercializing music choosing to make money rather than support real artists. Well, *newsflash* guys but someone involved with the artistically superior original would have had to give permission to release the song. If we want to support originality and artistic integrity then there's only one thing we can do...

Download R.Kelly's 'Trapped In The Closet Part 1' for the Christmas number one. Say what you want about Kells but he doesn't give two fucks about what the rest of the world thinks. He might be a complete psycho but he does things on his own terms. Maybe he could even do a special Christmas version?

Anyway, why do people even care about the Christmas number one? It's not like singles sales are even relevant these days. Sales at all shouldn't really matter. Barenaked Ladies are the best band on the planet and they haven't been in the UK charts for years.



Wednesday, 10 December 2008

Back To The Future: Ghosts of Christmas Past

In my recent Gallery column I bemoaned the lack of new Christmas movies. Here is exclusive proof that Doc Brown is back to remedy the situation with a new Christmas themed Back To The Future movie!

'Great Scott Rudolph! If I don't get this float up to 84 miles per hour we won't be able to make it back and save the baby Jesus McFly from the evil King Biff.'

Rumours of Jesus and the Virgin Mary making out appear to be awesome but unfounded.

Also I am on Twitter now and my id is steveolawrence. Follow me!



Sunday, 7 December 2008

Nixon Gets Loose

It's an update which means I must have something to shill!! Yes another issue of Gallery is out and this month I'm rambling about Christmas movies, serial killers and making outlandish claims about Kevin Bacon's role in Frost/Nixon. I also take it hard to Batman & Robin with the kind of angry rant only a comic book fan could write. For those not lucky enough to live in Jersey it is available online at and is on page 62 I think.

Thanks to all who have read the issues so far and told me how much you enjoyed them. Your compliments feed my massive ego and keep me cranking out the words. Gallery has a month off in January but returns in February with Dodgeball action and extra mega sized Team Cobra action!?!

Finally, what is it with people voting for fat faced children? Einogh from X-Factor you don't murder Busted (not literally) in front of millions of people and escape my scorn! Worse than him though is 21 year old Jersey deputy elect Jeremy Macon who ran under the pretenses of being a voice for Jersey's youth and then once elected allowed his Mother to answer his e-mails and debate policy. She then revealed that their family had decided that he should run instead of her because he was a better speaker. That doesn't make things OK, people did not vote for the Macon family (YOU ARE NOT THE KENNEDYS!) It's like Obama after election allowing a bitter old Republican to represent him. In conclusion, Jeremy Macon you are a massive tool and a ridiculous fraud. I want my vote back (even though you didn't win that one)



Monday, 10 November 2008

Hey there Donkey

The November issue of Gallery is out and you can bet the quality of my writing has gone right up because it's the first I've been paid for! There's a man holding a dog, Kevin Smith loving and Max Payne. Go pick up a copy now. If for some reason you don't live in Jersey you can read it here.

Speaking of Mark Wahlberg (We sort of were) it seems he has been talking to animals.

Say hi to your mother for me.



Monday, 3 November 2008


Wow, 100 posts, it's been one hell of a ride. Like any great TV Show I'm not going to offer any new content and instead package together some highlights and try and pass it off as something new. Remember that time Jose loved A1!

But that was nothing compared to that time Jose saved that whale from evil terrorists.

Still, that was nothing compared to the time Grant tried out that experimental hair formula. Can anyone say WACKY CONSEQUENCES?!?

And I think it's safe to say we all learned a lesson or two from Ronnie.

Good times. See you for the next 100!



Wednesday, 8 October 2008

A Time & A Place

It's Here....

Earlier on this Summer I entered the Branchage Jersey Film Festival competition pitching a film about the sensational Steve-O Town. I made the semi-final stage which involved sending in photos and videos to do with the pitch. Despite the involvement of Paul 'Fat Suit' Hinz and Jose 'Five Take' Franco I was one of six winners. (Some of those clips can be watched here)

With the help of the fine people at Shoot Media (In particular Winstan and X) and acting from local talent Nicki Wray and Laura Brown as Video Hoes #1 and 2, Jess Cabot as Director's Assistant, Laura Catterson as backing dancer, Oly Le Feuvre and Jose 'Five Take' Franco as the farmers and of course the spirit of Steve Catterson, 'A Place In The Country' was put together as part of the film festival.

Now you can watch the film that renowned film critic Jamie Le Marquand called 'good'.

Sit back, enjoy and spread the word.



Saturday, 4 October 2008

Gallery Viewing

Hello Steve-ites. It has been a while since my last update and since then I have made a short film, been on local TV, got a job and had another article published. More on those other things at a later date, well, apart from my job. The only thing more boring than actually doing my job is probably reading about it (That is unless Excel spreadsheets get you hard, which in my case they certainly do). I just thought I'd drop in for a healthy does of shameless self promotion.

Gallery is free for you to read all around Jersey. This month I talk about why I'm kind of excited about the new Bond movie and lift the lid on why I haven't even seen No Reservations but feel O.K about completely dissing it. Plus... R.Kelly!?! (Courtesy of Tom 'T-Bag' Haywood's Photoshop Studios) There are two funky covers to collect (although the article is the same inside both) one with a guy on it for all the ladies and gay dudes and one with a chick who appears to be wearing a swan. Enjoy!



Thursday, 18 September 2008

Detect THIS

I am currently writing a novella about a new hard boiled detective character I have created. He is called Detective Facebook and he uses his MAD social networking skills to solve crime. Here is a sample...

'It makes no sense McGillicutty. We've gone down every avenue followed up every lead and we're no closer to catching the person responsible.'
'There's one person we haven't asked.'
Murphy winced. He knew who McGillicutty was referring to but he didn't want to hear his name.
'Not him. He's a renegade. He plays by his own rules. He doesn't stick to the book.'
'Dammit Murphy. We don't have any other option.'
'Fine... But if it all goes wrong then it's on your head.'


He walked into the room. A tall, smooth, milky drink of a man. Everyone paid attention to him as he surveyed the scene of the crime with his steely all knowing gaze.
'Good afternoon Detective Facebook.'
'Yes. Umm thank you.'
'Listen up Detective. Far as we can tell Gail Windmorehouse was murdered in this room. Gun shot to the head. So far we've had no luck finding anyone with the motivation.'
Detective Facebook gathered his thoughts. Slowly loading his opinion.
'September 2nd - Gail Windmorehouse and Toke Gwon San ended their relationship.'
'But I thought they were still together when she was murdered?'
'That's the day of the murder too! Are you suggesting that Toke was involved Detective?'
'August 22nd - Gail Windmorehouse added new photos 'Wild Night Out''
'Oh God, take a look at these pictures Murphy.'
'Oh... Fuck me, I think I'm going to be sick.'
'August 23rd - Toke Gwon San left the Bank of Old England Network.'
'I see where your going with this Facey. Toke was sacked from his high paying investment job because of the weird sexual photos posted by Gail Windmorehouse. He took his revenge by straight up murdering her fine white ass.'
'If only we had some proof.'
'Wait! I have an idea. What was Gail's status Detective.'
'September 2nd - Gail is being murdered by her ex-boyfriend Toke and hates the new Facebook.'
'Alright! Great work detective. I think we can call this a case closed.'


'I have to give it to you Detective Facebook. I don't like your methods but without you we would never have caught that perp.'
'Sam Tannahill has bitten you. Click here to install the Vampires v Werewolves application.'
'Detective Facebook! Ha ha ha ha ha.'


I wanted to get in before Aaron Sorkin's Facebook movie script. Take that you witty bastard!



Wednesday, 17 September 2008

Pretty Please, Please

Does anyone else feel a tinge of sadness when they listen to McFly's ode to banging Lindsay Lohan 'Please, Please'? It's cool that she is totally gay for Sam Ronson now but I can't help but think McFly need to add a couple more pleases if they're going to turn her back. Actually on second thoughts Sam Ronson does kind of look like a guy. Maybe it won't be so tough.



Friday, 12 September 2008

Ritchie Rich

So the world didn't end. Brilliant. In celebration I went to see Rocknrolla last night. I have to say that the funny and well written preview in Gallery was absolutely spot on. Kudos to whoever wrote that. I'm not always THAT into Guy Ritchie's movies but it was really entertaining and had some really nice moments. Particularily *SPOILER ALERT* the slow dance. Actually that doesn't spoil anything. The only problem I have is that I have a very strong feeling that although Danny Dyer isn't onscreen he is lurking in the background somewhere. He's always lurking that one.



Wednesday, 10 September 2008

Little Big Bang

Plenty of people have been going on about how today is probably going to be the end of the world. If you don't know what the fuck I'm talking about then you should totally read this article. I have to admit that I was slightly concerned until I listened to the above edutational rap. My eyes have been opened, Steve-O Town's next album is going to be entirely about theoretical physics. I sort of hope the God Particle does exist, them physicists are sure going to have a lot of work to do if it doesn't. Still, if it does all go wrong doesn't that machine look like just the sort of thing that is going to give a mild mannered scientist super-powers? Maybe all the scientists could get merged into one super intelligent being and then that being could be like President of the World. That is if the Barack Obama / Ryan Reynolds dream team that I have written all those slash fiction short stories about doesn't want the job.



Tuesday, 9 September 2008

City High There

What would you do if your son was at home, crying all alone on the bedroom floor because he's hungry and the only way to feed him is to sleep with a man for a little bit of money?
I found a CD with that City High song on it yesterday and I have been pondering this question myself. Surely there was another way? Maybe gambling. I don't know. It's tough moral ground. The type of ground this blog refuses to tread.



Friday, 5 September 2008


Jose Franco asks 'Why didn't you put 'Anaconda' in your article?'
Well my Mexican friend I'm pretty sure that 'Anaconda' isn't a plane movie. I can see why you're confused. Back when we were younger we would watch a double bill of Con Air and Anaconda every weekend. Also I'm pretty sure you've seen 'Snakes On a Plane'. There is no such thing as 'Anacondas On a Plane'. You would need a really big fucking plane. But you know 'Snakes On a Plane' started on a blog. (Check it out here, it's hilarious) Maybe this is the start for 'Anacondas On a Plane. Jose you will receive no credit.

In other news, Usher is doing a tour of nightclubs which only women can attend. Well he's already expressed his desire to make love in the club. If he can't manage it with the odds stacked in his favour like this then I think he should just give up. GOOOOOOOOOOO USHER!

Finally it's been announced that Lee Eisenberg and Gene Stupinsky are going to write Ghostbusters 3. These guys are involved with The U.S Office and are pretty much an incredible choice for this movie. I loved Ghostbusters as a child and it fills me with joy and glee that they are carrying on the franchise and not rebooting.



Thursday, 4 September 2008


Steveitude has hit the streets. That's right kids my mindsplosions have escaped the internet and landed themselves in the latest issue of Gallery Magazine (pictured above). There is a September Movie preview and a list of three flying films I think you'll totally enjoy (And one you probably wont). It even has the obligatory Eddie Murphy reference. So go out there and grab yourself a copy.... IT'S FREE! If you're not in Jersey or you fear leaving your house because you think a cabal of highly intelligent zoo animals is trying to kill you then don't despair. The magazine is currently in the process of uploading all articles to their website.



Tuesday, 2 September 2008


Well it looks like Man City are buying everything these days. Abu Dhabai Group if you are interested in getting your hands on a rarely updated personal / pop culture blog then drop me a line. I'm thinking like £20 million? It's only half a Robinho and he can barely speak English let alone write scathing reviews of terrible movies and television shows in the language.

Do you watch 30 Rock? You should. At the moment I am alternating between Season 2 of the show and episodes of The US Office Season 3 with the commentary on. Good Times. Last night I watched 'Lars And The Real Girl' which is definitely the best movie about a guy who is deluded into thinking his blow up sex doll is a real person that I have ever seen.

Tomorrow... Exciting news!!!!



Monday, 1 September 2008

A Festive Request

Note to people at gigs who sit on other people's shoulders to get a better view: We did not come to the gig to see you. Please do not turn around during the gig and either -

(a) Put your arms out to lap up the applause. We are not cheering for you. We are cheering for either the band or the person who has hit you with their drink.
(b) Try and egg on the audience. I am having a good time anyway, I don't need you trying to get me going, that is the band's job. You look like a wanker.

I have no problem with people sitting on shoulders... just when they think this makes them part of the show. Also I am confused about flags. Why does someone need a flag to express their love of flowers? In addition, why does said person need to walk around the crowd depending on which song is playing. We can see your shit flag from wherever we are!

Rant over.



Sunday, 17 August 2008


The new season has begun! Yes, from now till May I will be spending the majority of my Sundays hungover sitting on a couch watching often meaningless matches in glorious HD. But this isn't the only thing, oh no, it's also the start of Fantasy football. Get ready boys and girls to be amazed by the sensational skills of The Ebouetown Alpacas... or not.

I've been playing for years now and apart from a hot patch about 9 years ago I'm never really that succesful. I like to think I know a thing or two about football, I think the problem is I'm also a fan. We're a strange type us fans. Whereas we can be rational in our every day lives we can't help but let emotion get the better of us when it comes to the beautiful game. Take my team for an example. I refuse to let any Man Utd players wear the proud red and yellow of the Alpacas. This doesn't help when they dominate the league (Hopefully not this year). I also have to include Eboue. This was fine when he was a defender that was played in Midfield but not now he has been reclassified as a midfielder. Fabio Aurelio of course makes the team for his free kick abillity but poor old Fabz is injured pretty much 75% of the time. He's still in my team. The book I'm reading at the moment is called 'Super Crunchers' and is about this sort of thing. It talks about statistical models outperforming human experts in numerous fields because of certain adages people cling to and emotions that could judgement. It's really interesting stuff and if you read anything apart from my blog then I would recommend it. Also it's the excuse I'm using when I fail magnificently in the Fantasy leagues I play in! (Currently 10th out of 16!) Though now I think about it, it isn't going to be a very useful one for when my Championship and League One fantasy teams fuck up.



Monday, 11 August 2008

Get On Board

People often come up to me in the street and ask 'Steve, how do you come up with so many great ideas? Is it really difficult?'. After asking if they have any spare change I will always reply that coming up with ideas isn't the hard part it's deciding which of my many excellent ideas to go through with. Take for example my recent conundrum.

Two ideas for a script. The first a sequel to Crash (The one about people who get off on car crashes. It's pretty sick) Titled Crash 2: Crash of the Titans this isn't about people who derive sexual pleasure from car crashes it is instead about people who take pleasure from the 2006 Oscar winning film Crash. Imagine it, people watching the movie, maybe having a hearty debate about the racial issues at the film's core and then fucking the shit out of each other. It'd be heartwarming fun for all the family. The second idea is a script titled 'Baby on Board'. It's about talking babies who can surf. And if that doesn't appeal to you then you may as well leave now because you and I can't be friends anymore.

You see I can't write them both at the same time. I need to channel my energy into one creative vision. It's like Sophie's Choice. But much like Sophie there are things I can consider to help make the choice easier. First of all I think about the audience. We all know people love sequels and that sequels are pretty much 99% of the time better than the original films but at the same time people also love talking baby movies. Remember 'Look Who's Talking' , 'Look Who's Talking Too' (Well LOL sequel title)and uh 'Look Who's Talking Now' (More Dogs than Babies)? There hasn't really been a great talking baby movie since 1993, the public are clamouring for one. I also need to think about the industry. 'Crash 2' is going to need clearance from the makers of both films. 'Baby On Board' faces competition from a film with the same title but a different subject. It sounds pretty shit although it does have Heather Graham in it and she is uber hot. (Hmm maybe I could get her to play the Mum in my film. I could name the character Heather to entice her) Finally I have to ask myself what I want. What I want is a kitten fighting a baby on film. If both baby and cat can talk then all the better. If I write such a scene into Crash 2 then it might seem slightly forced.

Sophie has chosen... Babies win.

On a side note it seems people have been posting comments in response to past blogs. That is awesome! Thanks especially to scarletbloodbane who has posted some really insightful stuff. Keep them coming everyone and hopefully I can find some way to get this thing to alert me when they come in so I can respond! Maybe casting suggestions for the film. I'm thinking Ryan Reynolds in some sort of role? (I feel the need to mention Double R because some sort of Ryan Reynolds fan site is linking people here and I feel a need to keep them happy)



Thursday, 7 August 2008


So last night I watched Hostel: Part II and whilst it wasn't bad it was nothing really to write home about. That's why I'm writing about it here. The original Saw and Hostel movies were inventive and thrilling. They suceeded because there weren't any rules. The audience didn't know who was going to walk out of the thing alive. In particular the first Hostel movie didn't even seem to know what kind of film it was and it was awesome. For the first thirty minutes you think you're watching Euro Trip and then blam the chainsaws come out, there's some extreme gore and then by the final act its an all action chase movie, crazy stuff. By the time of the sequels they had become a genre unto themselves. That's why watching Hostel: Part II there is a sense of inevitability. The makers know this concept makes money, you can bet your ass they're going to leave some sort of get out clause for a sequel. Saw is pretty much a Halloween tradition by now. The second Hostel deserves some credit for trying to do something different from the original in concentrating on the killers but there's only a few scenes that seem to be filmed with the same demented glee that pervades all of the first film. There are some twists and turns that are mostly very telegraphed but when it comes to the final scene you've got to think that Eli Roth still must have it... Whatever it is.

Also, has anyone seen the trailer for 'Wild Child' that has been gracing UK TV screens recently. It makes some big claims 'The Best Teen Film of the Century'. Sure thing, everyone knows teenagers were only invented in the sixties so they haven't even been around for a century. The truly funny thing is all these completely ridiculous sound bites come from the same review from that titan of film criticism Sugar magazine. Personally I think movies like this should just be honest. Things like 'A way to waste an hour and a half', 'You might like it if you are a thirteen year old girl and Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging is sold out' or 'If you sneak in you wont have to pay and then you can't be dissapointed.'



Sunday, 3 August 2008

I Think They Know By Now

There are clubs that play dance music, clubs that play indie music, clubs that play dirty drum and bass and pretty much every type of music imaginable. Then there are snooker clubs that play Band Aid 'Do They Know It's Christmas?' on repeat over and over again. The Jukebox; a noble invention giving the average person the chance to choose the type of music they want to listen to when they're out for a drink. Sadly it is open to abuse by those who might put in a pound just before they leave and use their six selections to select a certain Christmas classic six times in a row. Feed the world indeed.



Thursday, 31 July 2008

No Fat Chicks?

Jersey has been in the news over the past couple of days and for once it's nothing to do with child abuse. No this time it's still about abuse but abuse of a far more serious kind... Abuse of fat people. If you haven't heard about it yet, check the story out here->

Jersey Club Tells Fat Women To Go Home

Up to date now? Good, let's continue. After initially defending his decision and then backpeddling and apologising club owner Martin Sayers now claims his judgement was clouded by his emotion over members of his friends and family he has lost to obesity related problems... It's all so clear now, Martin isn't some sort of discriminator, he is a crusader. Some might call him a hero. His story is the stuff Hollywood legend is made of, his story is Oscar worthy, his story has given me an idea...

COMING 2009...

''Why Mummy why? Why won't you stop eating?''

''I love you Helen but you're eating yourself into an early grave!''

''Mr Sayers. I'm sorry but your Dog has Diabeties.''



''Go and lose some weight before you can come in – fat people are bad for business.''

''But we just want to drink and dance and have some fun.''




So whaddya think? Rejected titles include 'Are you Havana Laugh?' and 'Sayers Ain't So'. I was thinking of casting Vin Diesel as Martin Sayers and Kate Winslet as love interest and rival Helen Hunter. Also I'm pretty sure Eddie Murphy will insist on putting on his fat suit and playing all the fat people in the film as soon as he gets wind of this. A guaranteed Box Office Hit, I've always thought Vin deserved a statue.



PS - The Fortress of Steveitude does not discriminate based on appearance... We do however discriminate based on personality.

Wednesday, 30 July 2008

Uncover the Dragon?

Exciting news! After a year travelling Spain and discovering his roots Jose Antonio Golfball Franco is returning to Jersey. Even more excitingly this very blog has won the exclusive rights to reprint extracts of the journal Jose kept of his adventures. Translated from whatever the hell language Jose has written them in and with spelling and grammar mistakes corrected they are not available in bookstores. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you...

Los Spectacularios Adventurios de Jose

Part 1 - On Arriving in these strange and distant lands

Dear Diary,
How are you? I am fine thanks. Today I arrived in Spain. Already all the people seem really nice. In fact one man on the train was almost too nice if you know what I mean. I wonder if I will lose my flower whilst I am on this exciting and exotic adventure, whatever happens I don't want to lose it to a guy like that. I didn't get round to sorting out any type of accommodation for my trip so tonight I am sleeping on the floor of a kind and gentle old washer maidens humble home. She keeps shouting things at me but to be honest my Spanish isn't that great. I would say she is a 3/10, you know, maybe If I was drunk. I am very tired and I am going to sleep now dear diary. The howls of the wild street wolves lure me into slumber land. Speak to you soon,

Wow, cracking insight and thoughtful and provocative prose. El Bookerio Prize here we come.

On a different note, has anyone seen Sisqo lately? Nic and I were listening to him on the radio and seriously its been years!! If you're reading this Sisq give me a call or an e-mail or something.



Sunday, 13 July 2008


I've been saving this one for graduation week but its been playing on my mind for a while now. Being at home for a week I have probably been asked some form of the question 'what are you doing now?' about a million times. I've joked about launching my own fragrance but like any joke I make this is tinged with a real sadness and confusion (Eddie Murphy?!). I don't know whats next, who does? (Seriously if you know put me in contact with them) For the moment I am getting my magic uni scroll thing (that thing you get for graduating) and then heading home for a while. I may only have a vague sense of direction but that doesn't mean Uni hasn't taught me anything, heck no...

You remember that Baz Luhrmann song? It was number one. The guy reading the graduation speech over a repetitive beat. He was really really keen that people wear sunscreen. So keen that looking back now I imagine he was probably being paid lots of money by a sunscreen company. He said stuff like 'dance like nobody is watching' bullshit like that. You can listen to it here

Anyway, lots of the stuff he says is crap. Here's some real stuff I learnt at University. If you want to beat box a little beat in the background that's cool by me.

- Take an hour a day to listen to the Lighthouse Family 'Lifted' on repeat.
- Sitting in the library with a broadsheet newspaper will make you feel smarter even if you're just doing the Sudoku.
- By and large Eddie Murphy movies are offensively bad. Also 4th or 5th sequels are just not worth watching.
- Though combining your favourite desserts into one super dessert is lots of fun the amount of sugar you consume is quite overpowering.
- Dance like everyone is looking at you and judging you, the pressure will make you dance better.
- Getting hammered and going to an all you can eat Chinese buffet will almost inevitably lead to you standing on a chair singing the American Pie soundtrack.
- Get off the bus when you're supposed to.
- Sometimes people will claim your impressions and accents are confusing and even shit, you should ignore them and persevere anyway.
- If someone shows you a porno and tells you there's a really good twist coming up then it's probably going to turn out that the chick is totally a dude.
- LURPS are hilarious.
- There is no real cure for a hangover. There are things to put one off but no cure. I recommend freshly squeezed tropical fruit juices I never have freshly squeezed tropical fruit juices.
-You cannot order a Dominos without spending up to an hour working out the best formula for cheapest pizza per person.
- Taking a nap is fine, it allows you to recharge your batteries and stay awake and be productive to later hours.
- Write what you know. If you haven't been raped don't write about it in excruciating detail. Especially if you're a dude.
- Food fights are funniest in other people's kitchens.
- Late night takeaway greasy chicken is 99% absolutely rank. My advise, eat it whilst you're still drunk. It won't look good in the morning.
- Grow a beard. You might never get a chance to do it again. Also when you shave you can cut it into funny shapes. Like the fabled question mark beard.
- Finally you will be unhappy, make mistakes and have regrets. Those people who say they have no regrets are either liars or just plain don't have a conscience. What you have to do is just stay positive and looking back the good times will outweigh the bad. You dig?



Saturday, 12 July 2008


Definitely, Maybe is a really really good movie. Yes it may have hearts all over the box and totally look like the gayest chick flick going but let me tell you, it definitely isn't. The thing is I think it was just badly marketed. I don't want to tell those guys how to do their jobs but they sold it as a rom com with a real emphasis on the rom when there is actually lots of com. Not only that, its unique and quirky functioning as a sort of love mystery rather than going down that Hugh Grant path, you know, the one hes been down so many many many times. Finally... Ryan Reynolds. How do I say this without sounding gay... I love Ryan Reynolds. He's so likeable. Van Wilder, Smokin Aces, Two Guys & A Girl, Just Friends (Another really underrated movie) - likeable. I mean I think that if me and Ryan Reynolds hung out together we'd have a great time. Just having a beer, playing some X-Box, maybe shooting some pool. Don't tell me you wouldn't want to hang out with Ryan Reynolds. Also he might not be a total comic book geek but he was Hannibal King in Blade 3, attached to The Flash and in one of the best pieces of casting ever he is going to be Deadpool in the Wolverine spin-off. You'd think maybe he read a comic when he was researching one of these parts and he seems to know who Wade Wilson is!
So yeah, go watch it. Because the more of you who watch it and like it the more acceptable it is for me to like it!

I gave the new comedy Trexx and Flipside a watch on BBC 3 because it also star Rich Fuller (Bob Fossil in The Boosh). Don't make the same mistake I did. It seems to be trying to be a British rap version of Flight of the Conchords and it fails pretty darn miserably. It was the first episode so maybe things will get better but then again they probably won't!



Thursday, 10 July 2008

In An Opera House Not That Far Away...

The One Man Star Wars Trilogy is awesome. One guy in a black boiler suit acting out the original trilogy with nothing but the aid of some creative lighting and his genius. I think you can check out some videos and stuff here. He also does Lord Of The Rings.

Let's just all be thankful there's no sex scenes in Star Wars. A man masturbating on stage alone would probably be more creepy than entertaining. It also means the show wouldn't be suitable for kids and there would probably have to be a 'Splash Zone' marked out. You know what I mean, the first three rows will get wet. Still even if you were going to get some dudes spunk in your face it'd still be preferable to watching 'The Chronicles of Riddick' again.



Sunday, 6 July 2008


I have had my eyes opened. On my Facebook feed I saw a group and from this group I found this...
What's that you say, 'Hey Steve I'm a busy person and I don't have time to watch some crazy film.' Well friend, neither do I. Luckily though the site sort of details what is in the film. On the statement page it says that the film wants to show people,
'very often things are not what the population at large think they are'
WHAT?!?! WHAT!?! How can this be true? The population at large is like loads of people, could they all be wrong? I better investigate what this is about further.

Part 1 - Religions are wrong. Christianity is a way of controlling people.
Or 'The religious myth is the most powerful device ever created, and serves as the psychological soil upon which other myths can flourish.' Ah so religion is the reason people believe the myths that you eat like thousands of spiders in your sleep and that you only use 10% of your brain. No, no it's more than that, religion is a thing people can twist to justify taking power. Wowza what a controversial theme! I can't believe no one has made a film using these themes before. Still, maybe this film will empower people to loosen the stranglehold religion has over our everyday lives... Oh wait one second. Let me just check my watch. Shit it's not hundreds of years ago and religion doesn't control my life. Oh well, still, a point well made Zeitgeist.

Part 2 - The 9/11 Conspiracy
If you know me then you know there's nothing I enjoy more than debating 9/11 conspiracy theories. Well, maybe televised snooker and the movies of Eddie Murphy but nothing else. I especially like it when they are put across in long rambling diatribes describing clips seen on the internet and devil faces seen in clouds of smoke. From the Q&A section it seems that the film goes along the lines that George W and the government caused the towers to go down for some reason. But please don't just stop there. Venture forth onto the internet and get caught up in the rich tapestry of amateur journalism. You might even find our old friend R.Kelly had something to do with it (Oh how I wish I was joking). Just be careful, the government don't want you to know these truths!

Part 3 - Taxes and why you don't have to pay them
Now what was I saying about myths... Sorry I lost my train of thought. Yes, TAXES! And why you my fellow American (Oh shit this doesn't really apply to me) don't have to pay them. Can you believe that? Why isn't everyone doing it. You could probably buy a horse or something with the money you're going to save.

It's all interesting stuff. It makes me wish I had two hours of my life to surrender but alas I am busy with ummm projects. If any of you do watch it could you maybe fill me in on what goes on. It says it took a years (A WHOLE FRICKIN YEAR!) worth of research and contains information a simple keyword search will not find. I am curious as to what this may be.

Just remember blogateers 'truth is not told, it is realized.'



PS: For two actually worthy treatments of 9/11 try Jonathan Safran Foer's novel 'Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close' or the film 'United 93'.

Tuesday, 24 June 2008

American Why?

Last night was Grad Ball. The Venga Boys mimed, cheap champagne was drunk and thousands of photos were taken and are now appearing on Facebook. It was fun but very tiring so tonight we decided to chill and watch a film. I'm sorry Tom I should have listened to your advice...

I have just finished watching American Pie: Beta House or as it is known in the far more honest Canadian market American Pie 6: The Final Nail in the Coffin. There are many terrible and confusing aspects to this, the latest entry in the series. The biggest sin is probably its complete lack of anything resembling charm or humour. The first four films (I have yet to witness The Naked Mile and after this I don’t really want to) have some sort of coming of age story acting as the spine for the gross out gags, none of that here. Not a single character learns or grows in any significant way (One guy learns he quite likes female ejaculate but I’m not going to count that). The villains are also horribly miscast. The story centres on a war between Beta House and Geek House. Yes that’s right the geeks are the bad guys. Who elicits more sympathy than rowdy, drunken, misogynist American frat boys? And don’t we hate those geeks with their glasses and… Wait, why are we supposed to hate the geeks? Sure their leader is a dick but what did the rest of them do? What did the guy in the wheelchair do to deserve our scorn? And *SPOILER ALERT* Why are we supposed to celebrate the finale in which the geeks lose their house leaving the frat boys with a new party pad and these poor nerds homeless? Confusingly the film aspires to an 18 rating. You expect a little bit of nudity and naughtiness from your American Pie but this film goes way beyond that with a university populated by almost always topless strippers. I’d say it’s basically softcore porn but I think maybe it goes some way beyond softcore. And finally just why Eugene Levy? Why? You warmed our hearts as Jim’s Dad in the first three films but why do you need to keep coming back? You don’t do anything here. In fact finding a reason for you to be involved and dressed in a toga no less seems to be a strain for the writing talent behind this catastrophe. I think it’s time to move on.

Sheep fucking, legions of young men projectile vomiting over each other and bullet time semen… Where is there to go? You stole our hearts with your awkward humour and Blink-182 soundtrack but it has to stop here. I raise my glass and I say ‘To no more steps.’ (That is unless you want to make a film explaining why Oz wasn’t at Jim’s wedding. Seriously where was the guy? Had they become as annoyed by his cringe inducing antics as we had?)



Monday, 23 June 2008

Boom Boom Boom

Today I sat outside in the sun and shined my shoes. This is the sort of activity that makes me think I might be a man... Of course whilst I type this I am listening to Will Smith's opus 'Wild Wild West' so maybe not. Anyway it is coming to the end, tonight is Grad Ball and finally I am going to be able to live my dream of seeing Venga Boys live and in person. Oh yes that Venga Bus is coming and when you look like that I think Euro Pop or prostitution is your only option. Later in the week I think I'm going to post a list of things that University has taught me. Sort of like that Baz Luhrman novelty song but with at least an element of realism. I've got plans to be drunk most of this week, it will probably more entertaining that way, more spelling mistakes too. Anyway, The Sugababes beckon...



Tuesday, 17 June 2008

A Deadly Duo

Brought to you by the two massively confused Dutch fans we saw in the Geneva Fanzone here is...

10 Things I Learnt From My Holiday in Switzerland

1. The Swiss do not like jokes about themselves. Spend some time with them and you will get to know their sense of humour but THEY DO NOT LIKE JOKES ABOUT THEMSELVES!

2. Everyone in Switzerland is rich. Even the men on their road signs wear top hats.

3. There is a french channel called Animaux that exclusively shows Animal programming. It's great, nothing but animals. There is also a softcore porn channel but sadly it is not called Porn.

4. If Grant Staples was a character from Sex and the City he would be Miranda. He also hearts shoes.

5. All swiss public transport runs exactly on time. Never early, never late. As it should be.

6. Swiss children cannot cope with a long ball strategy when playing against English men (and Paul) who are nearly twice their age and twice their size. THEY GOT SERVED.

7. I can read French much better than I can speak it.

8. Photoshopped pictures of cats in pots are pretty darn LOL.

9. Pretending you don't speak someone's language is a confusingly efficient tactic in trying to cross the border and enter their country.

10. All dogs should be forced to wear kneckerchiefs. It makes them look like hairy mechanics. This can only be a good thing.



Monday, 16 June 2008

The Verdict

Back from Switzerland, pretty tired, all I want to say for now is...
INNOCENT!!! (Well, acquitted at least)



Sunday, 8 June 2008

Euro 2008 Blog: Prospectus

Euro 2008 has begun and here on the blog we are offering the most Emmanuel Eboue-centric coverage on the whole wide interweb. So far there has been little for Boue to make loud annoying noises about but next week I am heading to Switzerland to (hopefully) report back to you from right on the front lines of Footballdom. For now here are three players to look out for.

1. Frank Ribery (France)
Unattractive. But try saying his name in an extremely strong french accent. Really pronounce it, I mean every syllable. Very satisfying.

2. Luka Modric (Croatia)
Spurs' new signing thinks he is the new Johann Cruyff. He wears the number 14 shirt and everything. I don't think anyone has had the heart to tell him Jordi Cruyff was the new Johann Cruyff and that he just wasn't very good.

3. Mikael Dorsin (Sweden)
Possibly the most exciting prospect. This 26 year old CFR Cluj star is a leading contender for the much coveted substitute left back spot. After lighting up the Romanian league with his pace and technique leading pundits have compared him to legends such as Marco Van Basten, Pele and Jason McAteer. (NOTE: Comparisons may not have been favourable)

So there you have it... WATCH OUT! Oh and just so you know I have Poland in the sweepstakes, I am supporting France due to geography and due to their Liverpool contingent I have warm feelings toward Spain.



Saturday, 7 June 2008

I Don't Like Metaphors

So this is the guy who has been boneing Jennifer Aniston. Seriously, John Mayer does rock on a number of levels. 'If I can't get the girl why don't I just tell her I'm John Mayer?'. I give this clip 4 LOLs. Now I'm off to get drunk, Hurrah!



Friday, 6 June 2008

Hot Hot Heat

Batman: Dammit Joker! Tell me the secrets of Jennifer Aniston's new relationship! Is she finally over Brad? I bet she isn't.

In the latest issue of Empire director Christopher Nolan describes 'The Dark Knight Returns' as a super-hero version of Heat. I'm pretty sure he was referring to the Michael Mann film starring Al Pacino and Robert De Niro rather than the celebrity fashion and gossip magazine.

Also you may notice the blog has had a bit of a makeover. Now my education is finished I have plenty of time to do this sort of shit. There's a list of blogs that I frequent on the right hand side and a photo. Yes, a photo!


(Much love to Miss Nicki Wray for making the comment that led to this blog)

Sunday, 25 May 2008

What is Girlicious?

These girls would fuck you... For Money... Probably.

The Pussycat Dolls Presents: Girlicious is the latest in a long long line of 'Making The Band' Realtiy Television shows that started with the birth of the now legendary O-Town and is the follow-up to 'Lets find another anonymous stripper type to dance behind the one that can sing in The Pussycat Dolls' or whatever that one was called. The difference between this one and that is now they are looking for a whole band of quasi-prostitutes to form a new band ingeniously called 'Girlicious'.

The show seems to revolve around the contestants living in a luxury flat and bitching about each other and snapping their fingers lots. There is some singing and dancing bits but it is seriously about 90% bitching. At the end of the show the two judges tell one of the girls 'You're not Girlicious' (Nicki claims this catchphrase is purely a construct of my imagination but if it isn't in the show then it damn well should be) and they have to fuck off. I guess the question you're now asking yourself is 'what does it mean to be Girlicious?' Well, being Girlicious seems to involve dressing like a whore (At all times, seriously there was a fight as one contestant told another that her casual lounge wear wasn't slutty enough. She insisted it was), wearing lots of make-up and making vague assertions about girl power based on misheard lyrics from Spice Girls and Destiny's Child songs. A contestant having too much dignity is pretty much the main reason for them being kicked off. I AM DEFINITELY GIRLICIOUS.

Still, this has given me an idea. Coming to a television set near you...

Steveitude Productions Presents 'Degraded'.
The show works thusly... A group of twelve girls live together in a disgusting hovel, performing various tasks set by 'musical guru' Chris De Burgh, as the weeks go on they are whittled down to a group of four called 'Degraded'. Like every other show? Yes. But, importantly, what Girlicious has shown me is that the girls don't need to be talented, attractive or likeable. In fact the larger their personality disorder the more entertaining they are likely to be. Brilliant. The tasks will also help to set my show apart, it's called Degraded for a reason. Immunity challenges will include the girls racing to suck off a record executive, seeing who can make the most money as a Soho Prostitute (Billie Piper was a prostitute on TV, it's cool) and of course a Les-off. At the end Chris will yell 'You've Been Degraded' and they will be punched in the face by Audley Harrison. It's going to be great.

Oh and if that doesn't work, how about Didier Drogba presents Drogbalicious? He could search for a strike partner and then laugh in their face as whoever replaces the charismatic Avram Grant plays him up front by himself.


Wednesday, 14 May 2008

The Return Of Sex!

Oh my God girlfriends it's only just over a week till the nationwide release of The Sex And The City Movie and I am so totally excited. The Sex And The City TV Show was great because it was the first television show to ever write women as characters rather than as eye candy for the male audience. Never before had we seen women on television wearing shoes, sipping cocktails and whineing about men. It truly was a revolution. And now it is all happening again. Not since 'My Super Sweet Sixteen: The Movie' have I anticipated a film adaptation of a television series this much and not until 'Ice Skating With Celebrities: The Movie' will I do so again. In honour of the film's release here are my Top 5 SATC: The Movie predictions.

1. Samantha will have sex... with an animal. Think about it, Samantha spent episode after episode breaking the taboos created by the male centred hierarchies. At one point she even went Lesbian! There's almost nothing left for her to do... Except a horse.

2. A baby and a pet will collide to hilarious effects. Babies and kittens are so totally cute. Imagine if a baby and a kitten met. OMG it would be 2CFW (Too Cute For Words).

3. The characters will wear some totally hot clothes. YOU JUST KNOW THEY WILL!

4. The Sex And The City Movie will sweep the 2009 Oscars. For years the Academy have ignored totally romantic (The Notebook), totally funny (Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde) and totally movies that totally relate to my life (Free Willy 2). But how will they ignore a movie that is totally romantic, totally funny and totally a movie that totally relates to my life?? Not easily is the answer. And just imagine the dresses the girls would wear to the ceremony.

5. There will be an dark and ominous ending followed by 'To Be Continued...'

I'll see you there on the front row, low fat popcorn and small diet coke in hand!



Saturday, 5 April 2008

I Heart Japan

Q: How do you get a Pikachu on a bus?
A: Poke em on.



Monday, 31 March 2008

America Blog 5: Slam Dunk The Funk

On Saturday we went to the Nuggets game. To begin with it was back and forth with both offences firing but moving into the half the Nugs were on top. In the third quarter The Warriors bounced back as the Nuggets defence tired but after an inspired time-out the Nugs went three crazy and pulled away for the big W moving them into the 7th position and looking good for the play-offs. For those who don't speak Basketball... It was close, we were winning, they were winning, we won. Anyway, it was one hell of a spectacle with fireworks, cheerleaders, music and organised chanting. Still I can't see Larry the Liver Bird ever shaving a cheeky Man United fans head and it turning into anything but a full on riot. Still, it was FUN.

We have also been to two comic book shops. The first one Laura joined us in going to as we walked through the mildly (very) seedy inner city Denver to find 'All In A Dream' Comics. Spending what to any non comic book fan would seem a ridiculous sum of money the owner regaled us with many stories of life as a comic book pusher in a tough area. I don't know if we would have spent so long if Laura wasn't there. Everyone is very friendly and as someone who likes talking to people Laura is in her element. I'm overfamiliar, guess what I give you nicknames behind your back nothing nasty it's just what I do, but Ms Brown is on another level. Not a day goes by where we don't make a new friend for life. She didn't join us at Time Warp Comics but again it was a really cool place.

All the other students have arrived back now and the campus has sprung into life. It's crazy, from the ghost town of last week to the explosion of life going on now. This would have been great if I wasn't in such a state. We did a bit of drinking, I lost at Poker on the first hand (pocket fives going all in... IDIOT) and we stumbled home in a haze. It was REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY LONG ISLAND ICED TEA.

In Non-America News the Reading Line-Up is out. The Cribs headlining the Radio 1 Tent, Tenacious M&%$£$ckin D, Biffy and TBS on the main stage and Rage Against The Machine... Yes Please.



Saturday, 29 March 2008

America Blog 4: Ballderdash

It's always better when you can get a good look at an animal in the flesh before you eat it. The Elk steak was good. I didn't see any Buffalos but I did enjoy some battered buffalo testicle... Rocky Mountain Oysters my ass. To be fair they were actually pretty tasty.

In other news I have discovered baby cans of Coors Light. 8 ounces to anyone living outside the metric system. It makes me feel really manly as I speed through them.


Thursday, 27 March 2008

America Blog 3: Lesser Things

Things are getting outdoorsy. Yesterday we went to the Zoo and today we're heading out to the mountains. Turns out Rhinos are well ugly and there is such thing as a lesser Panda. Don't tell me that animal is going to have good self esteem.



Tuesday, 25 March 2008

America Blog 2: The New Sound

Malls, Burger Joints, Red Cups, Kegs and House Parties. This is the America promised by T.V and Movies and I'm glad to say that THEY DO NOT LIE. The party we went to even had a blue grass band... Mandolin, Bass Guitar and most importantly a banjo. Once back in England Dan and I are starting the next musical fad:
Blue grass + Nu Rave = Blu Rave
You heard it here first.

One slight moment of confusion. On Sunday we went for some Easter brunch / lunch at The International House of Pancakes (IHOP to the initiated). I had some pancakes with various sides, I thought on top of the pancakes they had placed a scoop of ice cream. Turns out it was a scoop of butter. It didn't taste so great.

There was also a place called Dick's Sporting Goods Store. I declare LOL.



Sunday, 23 March 2008

America Blog 1: Upon Our Arrival In These Strange and Distant Lands

Happy Easter!
Pimp That Snack!

Yes, that's right. Blogging from America. I am up early to watch the Liverpool gamecast (Dissent?!?) whilst Laura and Dan are still asleep.

After what seems like days of travelling it's good to arrive in Snowy Colorado (oh yes). The journey was reasonably good although I did end up watching Alvin and The Chipmunks and thinking about it in a far too critical manner. In a world where singing chipmunks doing a psuedo Hip Hop version of The Witchdoctor (Remember 'The Cartoons'? Ooh eeh ooh ah ah) can top the charts I don't think the rules of logic can be applied. Still I was gutted the theme tune never made an appearance.

Anyway, like you give a fuck about that. America! Sensory overload began during our stopover in Texas. The drive to gluttony is certainly underway as the two meals we have had so far have just been giant Pizza slices. Sorry Italians (Adam) but I definitely think this is the way forward. So far we have just hung about the campus and partied down a little something something. Laura is so American it's unreal. We're going to need some good old fashioned My Fair Lady style elocution lessons when she returns from the colonies. Everyone we've met so far has seemed really nice and word of advice... If you're trying to get drunk, altitude is your friend!



Saturday, 23 February 2008

Time To Play

Hey gang. Sorry for the prolonged absence but I have been working on a project that many of you are already privy to but is STILL very exciting! Just to keep you guys ticking over we have been doing a playlist exercise in Crew this week. Here are some of mine for your consideration...

Playlist of songs for Burns Night Party of songs that have the word Burn or some form of it in the title that actually have nothing to do with Burns Night (Note: This was a real playlist used at a Burns Night Party and it went down a storm!)

1. Burn – Usher
2. Burn Baby Burn – Ash
3. Burn Burn – Lost Prophets
4. Crash & Burn – Busted
5. Slow Dancing in a Burning Room – John Mayer
6. Burn It Up – R. Kelly
7. Crash & Burn – Savage Garden
8. Londons Burning – The Clash
9. Burn Away – The Foo Fighters
10. Burn The Bridges – Feeder
11. Burn One Down – Ben Harper

A Playlist that definitely won’t get you laid and will actually probably end any chance you ever had of getting some unless you’re really really really good looking or the girl you’re using it on is a complete sociopath or deaf (Not tested... yet)

1. Bitches Ain’t Shit (Cover) – Ben Folds
2. All I Want Is More – Reel Big Fish
3. Cold Hard Bitch – Jet
4. Break Your Heart – Barenaked Ladies
5. Sex In The Kitchen – R. Kelly
6. Cotton Eyed Joe – Rednex
7. La Bamba – Los Lobos
8. A Bitch Iz a Bitch – N.W.A
9. Kill You – Eminem
10. Wait (You Guys) – Bing Bong Brothers

A Playlist of songs that I have on my I-Tunes that I find either embarassing or just plain confusing or that my housemates mock and that I actually quite like

1. Space Cowboy – ‘N Sync (I actually have far too much ‘N Sync)
2. Gummi Bears Theme Song – Artist Unknown (Plays – 0. Where did this come from!?!)
3. You All Dat (Radio Mix) – Baha Men (Yes I have a Baha Men song that isn’t ‘Who Let The Dogs Out’)
4. My Humps – Black Eyed Peas (Used to intentionally antagonise neighbour in 1st Year)
5. Flip Reverse – Blazin Squad (I have done Blazin Squad Karaoke!)
6. Smile – Hanson (Why don’t I have Mmm Bop is the real question...)
7. American Bad Ass – Kid Rock (eww)
8. Liverpool Rap – Liverpool F.C (I come from Jamaica my name is John Barnes when I do my thing the crowd go bananas)
9. It’s All Gravy – Romeo Dunn & Christina Millian (Wherefore art thou Romeo Dunn?)
10. Lifted – The Lighthouse Family (I am in no way ashamed of this)

and finally so you don’t lose all respect for me, here are some recently played songs...

Recently Played

1. The Queen & I – Gym Class Heroes
2. Hide & Seek – Imogen Heep
3. Clark Gable – The Postal Service
4. Cheshire Cat Smile – Milburn
5. Your Hand In Mine – Explosions In The Sky
6. No Diggity (Cover) – Klaxons
7. The (After) Life Of The Party – Fall Out Boy
8. A – Barenaked Ladies
9. D.A.N.C.E – Justice
10. Good Night – Kanye West



Thursday, 24 January 2008


This week I have been all about watching movies. I have seen some excellent ones... Eagle vs Shark is a delightfully quirky comic treat, Hot Rod is destined to find an audience as the new Anchorman (It has my heroes The Lonely Island Boys starring) and Superbad is just awesome, I think I've been over how much I worship at the alter of Judd Apatow / Seth Rogen / Michael Cera. I have also seen a terrible movie, Alien vs Predator: Requiem. Now I could probably write a whole fucking thesis on the problems with this thing. I could try and write you a review but I don't think I have time to scratch the surface. Citing Wikipedia...

'Primary criticisms included a weak script (particularly the human storyline), too many homages to the previous films, cardboard characters, terrible pacing, its gratuitous scenes involving pregnant women's and children's deaths, and the unintelligible fight sequences between the Predator, the Aliens and the Predalien (the last being attributed to poor lighting).'

That isn't even mentioning the clearly tacked on irrelevant and confusing sequel baiting ending. Don't ask me what the fuck was going on there. You could ask those responsible but I doubt even they now. It's probably improv. The sad thing is I actually liked it better than the first one.

If you want something good involving Alien and Predator hed to this here comic where Alien and Predator are comically mismatched roommates. I must warn you, Hi-jinks ensue!!!



Friday, 18 January 2008


This may shock you but I don't actually make any money from this blog. That's right, I toil away for hours crafting these words into truth bombs fit for your consumption and no one gives me any cash monies. WELL NOT ANYMORE! No, I'm not going to start charging you fine people (Though if you see me on the street and want to give me cash I'm not going to object), instead I have though outside the box. I have rented out the blog. It works thusly, a Company gives me money and they get a whole post to do whatever they want with literally reaching the tens of people who read my blog every day. Amazing huh? Now not only do you get to read my sharp and witty insight but you also get to hear about products and services you might like. The first company is a dating website called Partnering They have chosen to present a sample profile and hey if you want some of this guy then get involved.....

Partnering Up Personal Ad

Nubile young Mexican currently residing in Spain seeks special companion (preferebly female but I'm not that picky) for hot sex maybe more? Must have low self esteem and interest in go-karting, napping, watching Coronation Street without a shirt on, funny noises, water sports (the sex thing) and romantic walks through industrial estates. STD testing required (I have thrush). NO UGOS!

Wow, he sounds like a winner, I hope he has his 'beating them off with a stick' stick handing.



Wednesday, 16 January 2008


Essay writing out the way, now I can get back to the writing where the money is!

'P.S I Love You'
Not a film I have seen. One of the advantages of being single is that you don't get dragged to terrible chick flicks. Luckily my housemate Paul is not single and he was able to give me the run down... He did not like what he saw. Rotten Tomatoes gives it a Freshness rating of 20%. I think my favourite review is from the L.A Times
'You could go see P.S. I Love You, or you could hit yourself on the head with a meat mallet.'
I'm not even sure what a meat mallet is!

Anyway, why am I writing about a film I haven't seen? Surely I shouldn't be judging it on word of mouth and critical review? Well, fuck you this is my blog and I'll judge whatever I like! But here I'm not. It's probably shit, I don't want to have to find out. Instead I am here to offer some thoughts on the premise. The film is about a recently widowed woman who receives a series of love letters sent by her recently deceased husband helping her to celebrate their love and move on with her life. Her husband isn't dead when he sends the letters (That would be cool) but instead he gets someone else to send them on. It is sentimental and sappy and according to a number of reviews walks a confusing line between outright comedy and extremely serious comedy. Also it is unrealistic....

I'm a Romantic, I frickin loved Amelie but I really can't stomach this. How about this for a premise...
A recently widowed woman is trying to move on from her husband's death. This is when she starts to receive letters he wrote to her before his death. These letters insist she doesn't start dating other guys and that she remain in a perpetual state of mourning for the rest of her life. She wants to start dating a startlingly handsome Vet she met at a charity walk for Victims of Boat Related Deaths (Her husband died after being hit by a yacht) but her husband's cruel and some what threatening notes from beyond the grave prevent her from doing so. It'd be a laugh riot and a hell of a lot more realistic! And if you don't like that take out the vet guy. Replace him with her dead husband's best friend. Steve (It's as good a name as any), an ex heroin junkie cat trainer, was employed by the husband before his death to send the letters but as he does so he falls in love with the sexy grieving heroine (She wears black for most of the film so she always looks trim). Steve is left with the choice, betray his best friend by banging his vulnerable widow or carry on making her miserable with the psycho jealous letters. That is Oscar winning drama right there.

What do you think Hollywood?



P.S - I Love You

Wednesday, 9 January 2008

Egging Me On...

Have you seen the new advert for the Egg card? The gist of it is that getting an Egg card is an extremely intelligent thing to do. It also states that in the laws of the universe smart and stupid must be balanced out. Therefore every time someone does something smart like get an Egg card something stupid must happen.

This doesn't make me want to get an Egg card. I don't know much about what it does or anything, that doesn't matter to me. What I'm now thinking is that if I choose to get an Egg card I am guaranteeing something stupid is going to happen. OK, something stupid could be as simple as SAMTANNAS publishing a nude calendar or Jose mackin on some chick who turns out to be a dude BUT it could also be something really really bad like someone stupidly launching a Nuclear missile and plunging the world into war or a Movie executive agreeing to finance a sequel to Norbit.

What I'm saying is don't take the risk kids... Don't get an Egg card!



Monday, 7 January 2008

Light Up

There are a number of good things about having a soap box. First of all it makes you taller than people, that is good because tall people are more trustworthy. Second of all you're probably going to have a whole heap of soaps left over from the box. Third of all you get to spread word about stuff that you like and I like Friday Night Lights.

Friday Night Lights is a great movie. The best American Football movie I've ever seen. Maybe the best sports movie of all time. Trust me, I've seen more than a few sports movies. There was a baseball one called 'Summer Catch' starring Freddie Prinze Jnr the other night, it was terrible. Back on topic, Friday Night Lights is a really great movie based on the true story of a high school football team triumphing against the odds in the small town of Dillon where Football is everything. So first of all go and see that if you haven't.

Now great movies rarely transfer to great television shows. Buffy The Vampire Slayer was a sucky movie before it became a TV hit. Bill & Ted and Back to the Future were both great movies before spawning terrible cartoons devoid of any the charms of the originals. Name me a great movie that span off into a great TV show. I dare you. Friday Night Lights bucks the trend.

It's quite an accomplishment. The movie has the original book to base itself on and only 2 hours running time to fill. From nothing but the inspiration of the book, the movie and the real life Dillon Panthers the show has to produce a full season's worth of story-lines. I'm only 8 episodes in and not a single one has disappointed. The writing, the production, the acting; all of the very highest quality. In a sentence it is the OC meets every decent sports movie of all time. CLEAR EYES, FULL HEART, CAN'T LOSE.

Go watch it or you're just hurting yourself.