Thursday, 25 December 2008
R.Kelly's A Christmas Carol
I promised prose and here is prose.
R.Kelly's A Christmas Carol
By Steve Lawrence
As was their Christmas Eve tradition R.Kelly and Usher sat in R's Aviary sipping at expensive cognac and admiring the colourful plumage of the various exotic birds circling their heads.
'What up Kells?'
'I bought you this present. Think you'll really like this present.'
Kells handed his friend a gift which he quickly unwrapped. A smile danced its way onto his face.
'Wow Kells, a bottle of 'Scent of Usher'. '
'Playa I saw it and I thought of you.'
'Well I guess you would... Here, Christmas spirit back at you.'
Kells' gift was in a large box. He opened it and looked quizzically at the object sitting in front of him.
'What as it?'
'It's a life-like latex vagina. With all the trouble you've been getting into this year with the ladies I thought a meat hole you could pound without any fear of reprisal might be just the ticket.'
'Thanks playa. Mind if I take it for a test run?'
The bell rang before R could insert himself into the plastic love tunnel in what might turn out to be quite an awkward situation. Instead he went to answer the door.
Standing on the doorstep of R's Million dollar mansion was a group of carol singers wrapped up in their warmest clothes and holding candles burning in the night.
'Good evening Mr. Kelly. Might we sing a song for you?' Enquired one cheeky cockney scamp.
'Why of course young oppressor.'
The choir prepared themselves, Kells stood waiting expectantly. There was nothing.
'I thought you said you were going to sing?'
'Well we want to Mr Kelly but it's just that we don't have any songs.' Said Grant, a bespectacled man who worked in a Zoo.
'There are plenty of songs.' Said his boyfriend Phil.
'But they're all terrible.' Added Melvin the Magician who stood at the back of the crowd playing with his magic wand.
'Would you write us a song Mr Kelly sir?' Asked the cheeky cockney scamp.
'You can't ask Mr Kelly that. He's probably busy celebrating Christmas with his extended Hip Hop family.' Snapped Phil.
'Hold on white-bread. Maybe I can do something for you. But you're going to have to help me.'
So R invited his new friends into his home recording studio and they got to work on a song. Usher brought the A-Town funk and Kelly brought his songwriting genius, in a matter of hours they had put together a song to put all other carols to shame. The ghost of John Lennon who of course lived with R after he had won him at auction said 'That was much better than any of the shit I ever wrote.' But R still felt there was something missing,
'I think there's something missing Ush.'
'For real dawg?'
'This is clearly the best Christmas song ever but I think it's missing the R factor.'
'You're right, we want this to stand up against even the best chapters of Trapped In The Closet. But what can we do?'
R pulled out his two-way and dialed a couple of numbers. Soon the doorbell rang again. It was Akon and Lil Jon and Lil Wayne all ready to help R with his Christmas dream.
'Yo playa this shit is fucking grinding like a stripper at happy hour.' Said Lil Jon whilst taking a sip of egg nog from his jewel encrusted goblet.
'Affirmative.' Beeped Lil Wayne in his robotic voice.
'I don't know how you could hope to improve it R old chap.' Said Akon who was actually very posh.
'What about crunk?' Enquired Lil Jon.
'What do you mean?' Asked R.
'Well do you have any of that with you?'
'Sorry my nizzle but I used it all up crunking with some biyatches last night in Vegas.'
'What about you Lil Wayne?'
'Sorry old bean but I too am fresh out.'
It looked like it was back to the drawing board for R when suddenly the door-bell rang for a third time. Kells was shocked to find Chris De Burgh standing on his doorstep.
'Good evening young man.' Said the legendarily smooth singer songwriter. 'My car has broken down outside. Do you have a phone I could use?'
'Your Chris De Burgh!' Said R excitedly who was a huge fan of Lady In Red and had used it many times to help him seduce girls who were definitely over the age of consent or at least told him that.
'This might sound strange Mr De Burgh but do you happen to have any crunk with you?'
'Well as you ask I actually have a great deal of crunk in my trunk. You'll have to help me sort the junk in my trunk to get to the crunk but I'm sure I do have crunk in my trunk.'
R smiled a smile as wide as a really big booty.
With Chris De Burgh's help R finished the song. A good thing too, it was 11.30pm and only half an hour till Christmas Day.
'Thank you for writing this Hip Hop / RnB mash up for us to sing on our carols Mr Kelly, but it isn't fair that only the people of this fine street get to hear it.' Said the cockney child fighting back the effects of chimney sweep's lung.
R agreed with the child. It was the best Christmas song ever and he felt that in this time of financial turmoil the whole world needed to hear it.
'I have an idea.' Chirped up Akon. 'Earlier this year I was doing community service working in a factory for a man who might be able to help you with distribution.'
R and his friends sat in the parlor waiting for Akon's friend to arrive. Lil Jon regaled them with tales of the skanky prostitutes he had slept with the night before when... BELLS!
'SANTA!!' Screamed Lil Jon who was excited like a little girl.
It was five to twelve, not a moment too soon. Everyone rushed to their feet ready to greet the bearded one himself, everyone except R. He slipped out the room and headed to his bedroom.
'What up Ush?'
'You should come and see Santa's here, you won't believe it Santa's here.'
'I'm not coming.'
'But why Kells? This is your song.'
Kells looked down at the ground.
'I can't... I think I'm on the naughty list.'
'No... No, you can't be. Playa, you're my hero. You're that star up in the sky, you're that mountain peak up high. You're the world's greatest.'
'Not anymore. Do you know that this year I gave less money to charity than last year? Look at Angelina Jolie, she's a real role model. I didn't adopt a single kid.'
'Don't talk like this Kells, she's a ho.'
'No Ush. You should go duet with her, I bet she has a husky and soulful singing voice.'
'Come on Kells. You've had a tough year and lawyers are expensive.'
Kells just looked away. Just then there was a knock at the door, it was Santa.
'Hello User, Hello R.'
'This is for you.'
Santa handed R a gift.
'So I've been a good boy?'
'Not necessarily. What you have to remember R is that you're a celebrity. You're better than a regular person. It doesn't matter if you're bad or good all we expect is that your behaviour is outlandish.'
'Wow thanks Santa. You've taught me the true meaning of Christmas.'
'Open it now, I think you'll like it.'
R unwrapped the gift to find another latex vagina.
'Did you keep the receipt?'
The three laughed heartily for a full minute.
'I'm sorry I can't stay for longer but I have to deliver your song to the world!'
So Santa delivered the song to the world and it was universally agreed that it was the best Christmas song ever. Jesus even took the time to thank R and his friends personally in his annual Christmas message. Even more excitingly the song featured in the background of the 'Two Pints of Lager & A Packet of Crisps vs Gavin & Stacey Live Christmas Special'.
Back at Kells' house R and all his friends sat around playing games and exchanging gifts. As the day progressed they all got a little drunk and started taking turns on the latex vaginas. Everyone was happy that R now had two of them because it meant they didn't have to wait very long for their turn. Everyone except the ghost of John Lennon that is because he was a ghost and therefore couldn't have sex with the latex vagina.