Wednesday, 9 September 2009

See You Latte

Hey Kids

As most of you probably know Nic and I are heading off on our travels tomorrow. That means I won't have much time to catch up on this blog. What's new you may ask in a sarcastic tone? Fuck You, I've been really busy. The Jersey Summer was an absolute blast especially the last couple of weeks where our visitors popped by and of course Jersey Live took place. Any other Jersey-ites I would recommend having some foreigners over if you're ever feeling burnt out on Jersey life. Looking at it through their eyes it forces you to realise that despite the negativity of a few loud mouthed grade-A wank stains (I'm looking at you Senator Stuart Syvret. What you gonna do? I'm the other side of the world... Or at least I will be soon) it's actually a pretty fucking cool place to live. Basically I'm going to miss you guys... except you Sam Tannahill.

But whilst this may be a goodbye it actually means you're going to get more bloggage than usual just in a different place (Think of it as IVF blogging rather than the balls deep penetrative sex blogging your used to - the same basic thing in a different way). And after that elaborate and confusing sentence I think you should probably just go there and bookmark it yourself:

It already has a lovely pretentious Mark Twain quote so enjoy that and soon it'll have details of all our crazy adventures.



PS - New Gallery is out. The column continues. It'll be in October too but in a reduced form. Maybe November? We'll see.

Wednesday, 5 August 2009

Jiggy Jiggy Jiggy

It's another month and another new issue of Gallery. Check it out as always here. This month I totally have a boner for the new Tarantino flick and present my ultimate movie playlist. Of course it features Wild Wild West by Sir Will Smith a song that is by some margin more entertaining than the film it was 'inspired' by. It got me thinking. Obviously Will Smith is the greatest actor of his generation but few remember he is also the greatest musician of his generation too. In the past couple of years he has dialed back the music greatness refusing to soundtrack the films he headlines. Think how much better Ali, I Am Legend or Seven Pounds could have been if Will got jiggy with them. How about it Big Willy? We could even release Director's Cuts with the music in. Hit me back.



Sunday, 2 August 2009

Stoop Kids

Move it football head!

Today we had a reminisce about the classic TV shows from our youth and how the current crop could never stand shoulder to shoulder with the likes of Teen Angel, Hangtime and Kenan & Kel. One of the shows we talked about was Hey Arnold. An incredible show and looking back quite a weird and subversive one too. What was with all the jazz? Anyway, whilst discussing Arnold, Gerald and Helga I had quite a sobering thought. Arnold was set in a tough Brooklyn neighbourhood with poor schooling and a decaying infrastructure. Statistics would suggest that a large percentage of these kids have fallen into crime or drugs (Definitely the bully character) and many of them are probably part of gangs. I guess what I'm pitching here is a Wire-esque 'Where Are They Now' show dealing with the realities of inner city life. I would watch it.



Tuesday, 28 July 2009

Deadly Man

So by some weird twist of fate last night I ended up watching the second half of an episode of Danny Dyer's Deadliest Men 2. It wasn't really what I was expecting it to be. As is his way, Danny went to live with a man called Steve in Blackpool who is apparently Britain's hardest bouncer. So far, so derivative right? As part of the show Danny agreed to spend a night on the door with Steve. This is where things started to get really fucking strange.

Steve has had to chuck out some 'tough slags' in his time and he has even encountered a few death threats. A little scary but nothing to put off cockney gangster Danny Dyer. Or at least that is what you'd think. Dyer completely freaks out. He constructs a weird disguise by dying his hair blonde, putting on glasses and then dressing as a bouncer. He then decides he feels too much of a tosser and takes off the glasses and puts on a hat. At this point he is Danny Dyer wearing a hat which is not so great as a disguise (The fact he is being followed by a TV crew is also a bit of a giveaway). Dyer then eventually ditches his crew and manages for a while to go unnoticed. This is hilarious as he hears numerous people slag off both him and his films and throws a bit of a hissy (To be fair his films are by and large garbage. I like Severance though).

Anyway, after whining and crying and generally acting like a complete psycho Dyer eventually makes it to the door. Here he acts suspiciously towards everyone who comes into the club. He thinks they're all carrying knifes and all are out to get him. A group of lads see through his clever hat disguise and ask to have their photo taken with him. Danny acts like they've surrounded him with assault rifles and drawn lots to see who gets to rape him first.

Basically I'm worried about Danny. He can't seem to differentiate between real life and the tough gangster world of every movie he's ever been in. Yes we live in a dangerous world but every single person on the planet isn't out to get you. Guy Ritchie? Vinnie Jones? Whoever his friends are need to sit him down and get him to sort his head out before Danny Dyer goes completely off the deep end and becomes one of the deadly men he has dedicated his life to studying.

Know what I mean?



Tuesday, 21 July 2009

I Do Hope It's Normal

At the end of the week one of my colleagues is leaving work to have a baby. This is wonderful and delightful and to celebrate the event a card was bought and passed around the office today. This was a first for me and to be honest I didn't know what to write in it. What can you really say? I hope it comes out normal? Commiserations to your Vagina? I don't know what type of birth she's having so this could be an inaccurate thing to say anyway. Maybe some sort of Tom Cruise / Katie Holmes based joke about not eating the placenta? Again though this could be deemed insensitive if placenta is on the menu. It's the type of minefield Princess Di dedicated her life to cleaning up. In the end I went with some sort of Best Wishes / Good luck combo which although fitting felt a little lightweight. Let me know any suggestions for future baby card situations. Contribute now or suffer the wrath of a lackluster message in the future!



Saturday, 18 July 2009

Go Go Free Ranger

Kinder Eggs are amazing. I love them. But just because I love something doesn't mean I won't try and improve it (Just ask my girlfriend... kidding.) Yes, I have come up with way to improve the Kinder Egg, a kind of Kinder Egg spin off. Get ready for this....


Oh yes, a Kinder Egg raised with the care and treated with respect. An ethical Kinder Egg larger than any you have ever seen. A Kinder Egg where you will definitely receive a cool toy. Never again will you open the capsule to find yet another porcelain gorilla. No my friend, you've just found a fucking Transformer!

Give me a call Kinder. You know where to find me.

In other news, I have been tweeting my dreams. Not my hopes and dreams (I keep them in my Dear Diary) but the ones I have when I sleep. Check the sidebar or Follow Me!



Tuesday, 14 July 2009


In the furore over MJ's untimely demise there has been one question people have been refusing to ask... Why isn't Alien Ant Farm - Smooth Criminal on repeat on the music channels? It should at least have headlined the funeral / tribute. Still, you may suggest Alien Ant Farm are actually deader than MJ. You'd be wrong. They are back together and working on new material. Let's hope they can be the one good thing to come from this tragedy. God bless you.

In other news don't watch Prom Night. A more derivative, predictable, dull and stupid film I haven't seen for a long while. I think the strangest thing is the complete lack of gore. In a post-Scream world it's confusing how this thing even gets made. Try My Bloody Valentine 3d instead.



Friday, 3 July 2009

Escape Plan

It's that time again. The new issue of Gallery is out. Because of my UK sojourn this article had to be written two weeks in advance so there's a slight (LARGE) chance that in my hastiness I may have included previews for two flops (At least Empire suggests they are). I also made no mention of Public Enemies. I shall atone for this by going to see it tonight. Still, Depp, Bale, Mann and gangsters. I'm sure you don't need me to tell you this is going to be good... unless you're simple.

Staying on film Tom sent me this quite hilarious and accurate review of Transformers 2 from topless robot. Check it out here.



Saturday, 27 June 2009

E-Mails to Jamie (Part 1): More Than Meets The Eye

Greetings kids,

I went to see Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen the other day. I would write you a review but instead i'm just going to copy and paste this e-mail I sent to Jamie. Maybe I'll do this more. I do like to send long and rambling e-mails to Jamie. Though I have to say he doesn't like it when you send long chains of penis enlargement adds to him.


Alrite mate,

Just to let you know I couldnt agree with you more about Transformers. For
me there were just far too many characters with far too little time for
anyone but the humans, Optimus and Bumblebee and that's with the over long
running time. They seem to chuck the rest of the Transformers from the
first film and just replace them with those two REALLY annoying twins. They
also fail to build up The Fallen or Megatron in any significant way and
only pay lip service to the actually interesting conflict between Megatron
and Starscream.

I also agree that they basically copy the basic story from the first film.
Annoyingly there were a couple of really interesting potential storylines
which again were just skimmed over. I think they could have made great
films about:
- The Transformers refusal to give the humans access to their technology
measured with the idea that they have brought their war to this world. This
was made an almost comedy subplot with the oh so assured army guys from the
first film and the grumpy director.
- The past generations of Transformers and their role in the evolution of
the human being. Maybe their tech could be responsibly for something
horrific like nuclear weaponry or something like that but also have the
potential to help the Earth's energy crisis.
- The idea of the Decepticon turncoat and the notion of choice in these
robots choosing sides. That was again made comedy with the forgetful old

If they really wanted I also think they could have made the coming of age /
assuming responsibility or leadership story work but they needed to shift
the focus on others apart from Sam. They cant attach such an importance to
this idea and then just have Optimus come back to life with the magic dust.
They need a parallel story where Bumblebee or someone else takes on
Optimus' role as leader (see Transformers: The Animated Movie for this done

Anyway, that is my take. There was so much potential but it really was
surrounded by some extraneous rubbish.

5 / 10


Soooo it wasn't great. I'm not sure if it was made worse by the fact that I love Transformers but I genuinely think that the flaws were evident for those who wouldn't know a Unicron from a Soundwave. And before anyone suggests it, you can't over think giant robots who transform into cars beating the hell out of each other.



Thursday, 18 June 2009


I wonder at what point the American Pie sequels decided to stop trying and make it so their lead character (obviously a Stifler) just shits himself at random intervals? Plus, I remember when I was that kids age and I'm pretty sure that girls didn't look like the girls in the movie. I don't think any girls look like that. CGI Maybe? Jose would have screwed it up anyway with some sort of wacky antic.



Sunday, 14 June 2009

Lesbian Stripper

What a long strange trip that was huh? There's been some radio silence here but that was because Nic & I have been on a two week tour of England. Starting in Lancaster moving on to Shrewsbury, Oswestry (The lady's home town. Look it up jerk), London and then finishing off in Brighton for a big Family wedding-fest (Congrats Glyn & Anna). On the way I developed a crippling fear of Lady GaGa's Poker Face, was crowned Fifa champion of the world, Used my wingmanning skills to get three different people laid (If you use the word 'laid' in a loose enough way to include making out and seven hour conversations), had a drink with a lesbian stripper, was harassed by a transexual whilst singing McFly's 'All About You' on karaoke, flashed London's landmarks and went to a sexual art exhibition being held in a pub with my parents. All in all it was a great two weeks!

Whilst i was away the new issue of Gallery came out. Check it out here. Go and ch-ch-check it out. It's maybe my favourite issue ever. Thanks to Russ for boldening and enlarging the quote about Transformers teaching me more about life than my parents and teachers. There's also mention of Sex & The City necrophilia, Charlie Kaufman and Charlie's Angels torture porn.



Monday, 25 May 2009

Endings At The Museum

I went to see Night At The Museum 2 on Saturday night. It was rather enjoyable. Sure the plot was bordering on the incoherent but its only function is to string together the collection of exhibit related skits and these almost all delivered a good deal of laughs. You also have to give the casting director a LOT of credit. How they managed to get this cast together is beyond me but if there was an Oscar for casting they'd be in with a good shout. Still, I had one major problem. A problem with the ending...

SPOILER ALERT - If you don't want the ending to the film ruined - Turn back now!

OK? Still here? Good. Basically the central relationship in the film is between Stiller's Larry Daly and the come to life all action girl Amelia Earhart (Played by the incredible Amy Adams it's had not to love her too). Through the course of the film they develop an attraction to each other predictably ending with the big kiss. Tragically though whenever the magic tablet isn't near old Amelia she reverts back to plastic exhibit form and as this is a family film the chance of Ben Stiller making love to a mannequin are low. It seems as if the film will end on a slightly downbeat note with Stiller's character having saved his museum but lost the woman he has come to love. But then she turns up. Except it isn't Amelia Earhart. It's Amy Adams playing a new character who looks exactly like Amelia Earhart but isn't her. After a little flirting you're left with the impression that they're going to end up together. Happy ending? Not for me. OK she looks the same (BONER) but it isn't the person Stiller's character spent the whole film falling in love with. Nicki and Lauren had no problem with the ending, they encouraged me not to overthink this stating that its a family film where museum exhibits come to life. Surely the fantasy could stretch to accepting this somehow is a different version of Earhart made real. I might be able to accept this but only if there was some more evidence of the museum exhibits having avatars in the 'real' world. Maybe Robin Williams as a wise mentor or Hank Azaria's pharoah as a jerk shareholder or something. I think the film is worth a watch but I can't help having these issues. To me it's an obvious story point and one that needed addressing. Larry with all his cash bought the museum, surely he could arrange to have the Earhart exhibit moved there?

What do you think? Any films that have given you similar problems? Let me know.



Tuesday, 19 May 2009

So's Your Mum

Eminem's new album apparently has a new track which totally disses Mariah Carey. In true 8 Mile fashion Nick Cannon (Who is apparently also a rapper) retorted with the stinging comeback 'Slim Shady? More like Slim Lamey'. Brap Brap. Come back to that one Marshall.

Rudebox, do the rudebox cos you so nasty.
I still wanna see the Robbie v Eminem rap feud.



Wednesday, 13 May 2009

Orange Wednesday

My girlfriend has a quite startling knowledge of the 1996 European Championships Dutch Squad. The other day we had a conversation about the relative merits of the De Boer Brothers. It's not that she is a particular advocate of total football it's just she had a crush on them and in particular that mountain of man hunk Patrick Kluivert. I find this kind of weird but also cool. How about you? Any weird crushes?



Tuesday, 12 May 2009

Freak Holding A Leash

Yesterday on the walk back from home Nic and I saw a woman carrying her cat. This is of course quite a strange thing to see. We then noticed there seemed to be something attached to the cat's collar. The woman then placed the cat on the ground and everything became clear. This woman was walking her cat. She had her cat on a lead. It was maybe the best thing I have ever seen. I salute you crazy lady!

Also, podcast episode 2 still available. See below. DOWNLOAD DOWNLOAD DOWNLOAD!



Sunday, 10 May 2009

Episode 2: A Knight's Bale

It's back! Episode 2 of The Blogcast of Steveitude. Sam Tannas was originally supposed to be my main guest on the show but sadly he was double booked. Instead we have special guests Dennis The Psychic Cat and Hollywood Mega Superstar Christian Bale*. It's a heck of a show.

Click below to - Get Listening Now!

Or if that doesn't work Go here.

We've ironed out some of the kinks from last time including length (19mins) and size (It was difficult because I've never had trouble with length or size). Some of the volume levels are still a bit off so once again I'd recommend listening through headphones.

We have musical contributions from Turner Prize and The Brilliantly Simple. Click on their names to check out their sites. Because we weren't concentrating on a musical act this time around I don't think I really got across how totally fucking cool these guys are. Note to you guys: They are. Also, hop onto the link for The Brilliantly Simple Blog at the side of this blog.

The show was Written, Directed and Co-produced by Me and Co-Produced and Engineered by the heroic Dan Turner. Voices are by Me, Dan and the beautiful Miss Nicki Wray as Dame Judi Dench. Additional vocals from Kerry Fisher and Rhodri Hart. The concept for Breaky Spready Go is by Oly Le Feuvre. Any scientists wishing to develop the product further should contact him. Any men looking for a sub-par hand job should probably contact Oly too.

Remember Episode 1 is still available here.

Finally if you have any comments please direct them to me via Twitter (steveolawrence), Facebook or e-mail or in the comments section of this blog. Did you like the changes? What would you like to see more of? If you'd like to help out or contribute to the podcast please also get in touch. We could always use more songs to play and more people to interview. Frankly we will shill anything!



*Christian Bale may not in fact be Christian Bale.

Saturday, 9 May 2009


Happy Liberation Day everyone! As a treat here is a photo of that camera hog Bonesy from one of the less traumatising Liberation Days in recent memory. Be Free.



Friday, 8 May 2009

All Star

If super-heroes are the myths of our time then Grant Morrison, Frank Quitely and Jamie Grant's All-Star Superman should be the Bible. The concept of Superman is a difficult one for some people especially in this post Dark Knight environment but the series has literally everything that's great about the Man of Steel. The root of Superman as a concept lies in his ability to inspire and every page of this thing captures that. Read it, it's everything a comic book should be.

Come back tomorrow for Episode 2 of the podcast with some very special guests. *COUGH* Christian Bale *COUGH*. You heard me.



Tuesday, 5 May 2009

Arrrrrgh My Face!

The new issue of Gallery is out including Wolverine gutting a movie pirate as illustrated by the talented and less attractive than his older brother Chris Lawrence. Pick it up at any local outlet or read it here.

As you might expect I talk lengthily about Wolvie. I have now seen the film and whilst I found myself enjoying it I did feel that it fell into many of the traps I outlined in my article. Notably too many characters for a supposed solo film meaning not enough screen time for any of them... In particular Ryan Reynolds' Deadpool. Still, apparent there is an after credit ending suggesting the Merc with a Mouth might be spun out into his own flick. I'll be first in line.

Oh and did I mention podcast still available below.



Tuesday, 28 April 2009

Baaaad to the Bone

You know how you know if a party is truly rocking? When you have to take a pause from said party to round up all the livestock that has gotten loose. I know I normally blame Tannahill for everything but I knew if I did eventually he would be responsible for something like this. I feel like the boy who cried Tannahill.

The podcast is still available from


I've been told that Macs have been having some trouble with downloading the thing. A short term solution I have devised is clicking to download and then cancelling. This will leave a link saying something along the lines 'if download fails to start then click here'. You will then want to ctrl click on this and select to 'Open with I-Tunes'. This will stream the podcast rather than download it. I'm still working on a way for you to download and keep it like a secret dream wrapped in a blanket.

So far we have had over 50 downloads but we are greedy and want more, more more! Tell your friends, tell your enemies, tell random people in the street. Spread the word and please let me know what you think!



Sunday, 26 April 2009

The Blogcast of Steveitude 1 - Meet The Empty Seven

Greetings Blogateers.

Today is an exciting day for you all. Today marks the launch of the very first Steveitude podcast. Blog + Podcast = Blogcast. Yes, ladies and gentlemen prepare for The Blogcast of Steveitude.

Episode one features everything you love about the blog minus all that boring reading you usually have to do. Our special musical guests are The Empty Seven. They play us Sunshine, Silhouettes (Blogcast Exclusive) and cover La Roux's 'In For The Kill'. I also talk to them about their influences, songwriting process and answer the question that has been on everyone's lips - 'what is Shane?'. Kerry also talked extensively about her need to pee but we decided to cut that out. In addition there is a reading from Lawrence Stevens' new novel, poetry from Sam T and all the latest news in Steveitude. So what are you waiting for?

Download it now!

Once you're in the link just click on Download file and you're away. It is in MP3 format and is about 50mb. It'll take probably between 10 and 15 minutes to download.
This is very exciting for everyone here at The Fortress as this is a completely new venture for us all so PLEASE tell us what you think of it. We realise that the file is probably too big and on a couple of the skits the sound quality could be better but this is a learning process for us. The download situation isn't great either but that has to do with the size of the thing. These are all things we know for next time. Oh yes, there will be a next time.

The podcast is written, directed and co-produced by me (Steve!). The Empty Seven are made up of Stewie Brown, Shane Buxton, Kerry Fisher, Rhodri 'Hot Rod' Hart and Dan Turner please check them out here. The concept for Breaky Spready Go is from the twisted mind of Oly Le Feuvre. Harass him at your will. Additional voices from Kerry Fisher, Rhodri Hart and Dan Turner. Biggest thanks have to go to Dan again for co-producing and editing. Thanks Dan!

So that's it. Have a listen, tell me what you think via Facebook, e-mail, text or ideally the comments section here. I'm going to go sleep now.



Friday, 24 April 2009

Coming Attractions

What happens when the unstoppable force (The Empty Seven) meets the immovable object (This here blog). You may be excited to know that you are soon to find out. What am I talking about? Keep your eye on the blog and all will soon be revealed (Either do that or just follow Dan or my status updates on Facebook).



Friday, 17 April 2009

Willenium Bug

Rumours have been circulating that Jose Franco doesn't really like music and the only two CDs he owns are both copies of Will Smith's 'Willenium' album. One has a slight scratch the other does not. I cannot confirm or deny this rumour.

In other news...
This summer is going to be The Summer of Steveitude. We've got some great stuff coming up in a variety of media. Very exciting. One thing I'm trying to do is make more links with other bloggers. You can see them on the right. Most are comic creators but I have just added a real person who I have actually met in the flesh and everything. Go and visit Tris' The Brilliantly Simple blog and say hi. He is a journalist, musician and writer, a bit or a raconteur if you will. Remember to say that Steve sent you. If anyone else has a blog and would like a bit of linkage get in touch with me. I'm particularly interested in hearing from authors of celebrity slash fiction blogs.



Thursday, 16 April 2009

Dinner Conversations with My Parents

If you're sitting a couple of seats away 'rough diamond' can sound like 'muff diving'. Can I just reassure all the muff divers out there that we weren't talking about you behind your backs. Also apologies to the man in the restaurant who looked around in shock when I asked who was doing said muff diving.



Tuesday, 7 April 2009

The Nature Of It

New issue of Gallery is out. Check it out here. I think I've finally found a format I like. One main film review, some shorter ones and then two smaller pieces maybe vaguely related to the theme of the month. Let me know what you think. Maybe leave a comment, send a fax or even page me. What do you want? More juicy gossip? Sexy pictures? Less writing and more pictures? Your wish is my command (But not really because i've already written May's article).

In other news Nicki is in the kitchen baking. I don't know what she's baking but it is very exciting!

Finally, my blog has its first official follower. Ian Pay I love you. Don't ever change.



Sunday, 29 March 2009

End In Dreams

Anyone up for a robot apocalypse?

The past couple of nights I have had some strange and vivid dreams. I can't go into too much detail but they involved Universal Studios, sheep, mysterious test labs and a playful puppy. I don't know what it is. When I came in after my work meal / drinks on Friday I was apparently babbling about some sort of judgement. If some sort of time travelling prophet of the apocalypse came to warn me about a catastrophic day of judgement that only my actions could prevent then I am truly sorry. Actually I guess if that was the case then I owe everyone some sort of apology. But then again if we're all about to die a fiery death then there won't really be anyone around to blame me. I guess it all works out in the end.



Tuesday, 24 March 2009

States of Jersey Zombie Chipmunk Ryan Reynolds Mystery

The front page of yesterday's J.E.P carried a story about some crazy ass murder nurse investigation that never happened way back when. I won't make any comment on this. Frankly I don't have a clue and I was too distracted by the stunning conclusion of A Double Shot of Love (see yesterday's blog) to pay full attention to much else. What I did notice about the story was its source. Information taken from a senator's blog.

My question to the JEP is why haven't you called me? I have a blog too and a far more entertaining one at that (Go here and compare if you like). Syvret hasn't got an ounce of Steveitude. Why are you going to him for news? I've got film reviews, mystery stories and SAM TANNAHILL. He hasn't even mentioned Ryan Reynolds. Yes some of my stuff isn't so Jersey specific but I'm probably a more respected politician than he is. I could do Jersey stuff. How about this?

The states of Jersey have zombie chipmunks. I saw one. He smiled and then waved at me.

Yes I made it up but it probably has more truth to it than much of the stuff Syvret has made claims about.

Basically by revealing all these important facts in a blog rather than in the states of Jersey Syvret comes across as one of the Internet crackpot conspiracy theorists that I so adore. Plus he does it in a totally boring way. In the words of The Pussycat Dolls,



Monday, 23 March 2009

Make Mine A Double

For the past god knows how many weeks I haven't had much time or emotion to give out. I have been cold and withholding and I am sorry. It's just that I've had to save my love. Save everything I have for sunday nights. Save it all for the Ikki Twins. For MTV's A Double Shot of Love.

Double Shot is one of the type of crass reality TV shows that MTV is famous for TAKEN TO THE EXTREME! 12 hot lesbians and 12 buff guys competing for the love of a pair of bisexual twins. I of course use the words 'hot' and 'buff' in the loosest of terms, it was actually very slim pickings for the sexy (and kind of skanky) twins. Each week there were crazy challenges to win dates with the twins (Of course being able to stand in the sun on one leg covered in a sticky liquid and licking icing off a statue are really sensible way to find your true love) and at the end of the show they would eliminate those who had failed to prove worthy of their love. There was fighting and back stabbing and plenty of people who seemed to just want to be on TV no matter how much humiliation they would have to endure to do so. There was even a guy who decided that he would try and nail one of the lesbians instead of the twins. Last night it all came to an end in a STUNNING finale. I won't ruin it for you but it certainly made for a satisfying two and a half hours (Yes, really) of television.

It's easy to be cynical about these sort of things. I have to admit at times even I was doubtful of the worthiness of the experiment. But being bitter and cynical is the easy choice and if Love Actually taught us anything it's that love is a crazy ass motherfucking thing. Maybe a series of increasingly confusing and wacky challenges intercut with a whole lot of making out is the way to find the 'one'? Maybe this show presents everyone's struggle to find love just in a compressed microcosm? Maybe the people the twins found on this show are the ones they're going to spend the rest of their lives with? I'd sure like to think so.

Be good to each other.



Sunday, 8 March 2009

Who Reviews The Watchmen?

I've had a couple of days to process, I've listened to some Dylan, I think I'm finally ready to articulate my feelings about Watchmen.

So without further adieu *SPOILER ALERT*

As a film it requires you as an audience member to think. I have seen very few films that either require or entice this level of engagement. Adrian Veidt and his television screens I think are central to readings of both the film and the text. He talks about watching the unconnected images on the screens and finding a truth behind them. Both the book and the film function in this manner. Chronologically they are all over the place. The audience rather than the author sort events into a story they can comprehend. The audience plays an even greater role as a sort of moral judge. The origins of Watchmen comes from the black and white world of early super-hero comics, a universe flipped on its head by Moore to create a world with nothing but grey areas. It is interesting to note that Moore initially wanted to write the novel using the pre-existing stable of Charlton characters which include current DC mainstays The Question (Rorschach), Blue Beetle (Nite-Owl) and Captain Atom (Dr Manhattan). This suggests that maybe the characters themselves weren't as important as the conflicting philosophies that the story would play out. Unlike pretty much every other super-hero film to date there is no central character or viewpoint. Any sort of morality is once again imposed by the viewer.

This idea of constructing single meaning from a diverse number of sources is even more prevalent for those who have read the graphic novel. I found myself not only considering the film's narrative but comparing it with the narrative of its source material. In this case reading the source material gives a further layer of meaning forcing the viewer to consider what Snyder is implying by choosing to leave certain signs and signifiers on the cutting room floor. Yes, there has to be changes to serve the medium and keep the film at a watchable length but there's other more interesting choices made along the way. Thankfully the film isn't as loyal to its source as Snyder's 300. It is an all the more interesting piece for taking departures from the original narrative.

Of course I have some gripes. I think every comic afficianado (read Geek) will. The loss of so much of the 'original Minutemen' source material diminishes the detective conspiracy aspect of the plot somewhat. However, I also feel this opens up the story by not having Rorschach as such a dominating presence. There is also the reworked ending which I have to say I feel was pretty well done and was probably a necessity (Though I will miss The Island of Dr Moreau-esque goings on). At the same time though it has to be said that it swings dangerously close to the ending of The Dark Knight in its debate on the role of hero and villain though in many ways it answers the question posed by Nolan and his cohorts. I was sad to see The Black Freighter and the news stand interaction go but at the same time this is probably the part that is most tied into the comic form. I look forward to seeing what Snyder does with it on the promised DVD.

What I haven't mentioned is some of the successful changes made in the move to film. The way the costumes parody those that have come before is quite ingenious. You might not notice it on first watch but Ozymandias' nipple suit is very similar to Clooney's Batman nipple suit in the much maligned Batman & Robin. The movie Silk Spectre costume is even more sexually exploitative than that of the comic and again recalls visions of the (terrible) movie versions of Catwoman and Elektra. There is also the opening sequence where Snyder presents images made up of large chunks of the graphic novels back story to the soundtrack of 'The Times They Are-A Changin'. The sheer amount of information communicated through music and image sans dialogue is astonishing.

Some of the promotion of Watchmen is misleading suggesting it is just another generic super-hero film. Heed this warning, if that's what you expect and, worse, what you desire than you will be disappointed. Snyder's work in expanding the action sequences is admirable but still these are the least exciting parts of the narrative. It is the character's interactions that matter and by keeping these integral to the film is how Snyder's adaptation ultimately succeeds. It doesn't matter how beautifully you film the thing it has to have the same heart and this certainly does. It's big, it's epic and it's different to anything you will have seen before. Go and watch it.

That's that. I won't mention the blue swinging penis but it's totally there if that's your thing... Tannahill. Also maybe it isn't the best idea to go and see this thing if you're a bit tipsy heading toward drunk town. It was all a little too much for Ben and Adam.



Thursday, 5 March 2009

You're trapped in here with me

I am really very excited about going to see Watchmen tomorrow. If you want to know why you should be excited check out my article in this month's issue of Gallery. For free in all good places or available online here. Pages 55 and 56. I'm also delighted that I managed to get the phrase 'munching the proverbial rug' into the article. If you fancy exploring the rest of the issue there's plenty of stuff about getting married in Jersey. Do I hear wedding bells? I hope so, otherwise that ringing sound is a bit confusing.

The pic is from the episode of The Simpsons Alan Moore guest starred in. Though Alan might not be into it I would totally read / watch Watchmen Babies.

'My name is Ozymandias, king of kings: Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!'



Monday, 2 March 2009

Sim Grant 2009-2009

We were doing well for a while there weren't we? Yes the blog has come to a grinding halt and that is because Nic and I have gotten back into The Sims. I am maybe a little rusty. I set-up my house as an 8 man party house with hot tubs and music and a swimming pool and... things didn't go so well. In less than 24 hours we lost our first housemate. After house maid and the only one without a job Pablo managed to set the cooker on fire the heroic and very old Grant ran in to save the day. He probably should have waited for the fire department. As it turns out Grant is not fire proof and he did a quick and grizzly death. Now his urn is blocking up the kitchen getting in everyone's way and bringing everyone down. Shame on you Grant. Now if only I can stop them pissing themselves.



Wednesday, 25 February 2009

Jamie Le Marquand Presents: Stuff I Found On The Floor (1)

Today Jamie was talking about creating a website to catalogue the various objects he finds on the floor. I suggested we try it on the blog first and see how it works.

Today Jamie found a small, grey circular object with the letters 'CC' on it. We think maybe it was some sort of tiny weight.

Hmmm I think we could be onto a winner here.



Tuesday, 24 February 2009

The New Nightmare

Pancake day is a big deal for Ramsey. This year we whacked up a big batch with lemon, sugar, polar bear ice cream and most importantly Barbie sprinkles. I didn't quite nail the flip first time but it was certainly a far superior job to last year. No one got scolded by burning hot oils this year so I think we can safely say it was an improvement. I have some videos and time permitting I might whack them together into some sort of narrative. That also requires me getting the hang of this I Movie thing.

Flour, Eggs, Water, Milk, Butter, Flip, Pancakes.



Monday, 23 February 2009

Why Are You Wearing That Stupid Woman Suit?

Donnie Darko is probably my favourite film of all time so you can imagine my surprise when I heard there was a sequel in the works. It's called S.Darko and it follows the story of Donnie's sister Samantha 7 years after the original as her and her best friend experience bizarre visions on a road trip. It's a straight to DVD sequel and I think Samantha is the only returning actor from the original. Richard Kelly has completely disowned it and the writer and director aren't exactly big names. You can watch the trailer here. It doesn't look like anything special but it doesn't look too awful. I'm probably going to end up watching it. Remember, Donnie Darko was originally going to go straight to DVD being marketed as a teen slasher flick only through word of mouth did it become an underground phenomenon. I'm clutching at straws here really. It's probably going to blow chunks.

In other movie news I was watching some of the Oscar coverage and I think the kids from Slumdog Millionaire actually spoke with geordie accents. I'm onto you Danny Boyle. Congrats anyway though.

Also, Fortress favourites The Lonely Island release their debut album in the UK today. With songs Jizz In My Pants, Dick In A Box and Lazy Sunday and featuring a diverse array of guest stars including Justin Timberlake, Jack Black and Nathalie Portman (It's called Nathalie's Rap) it's sure to be fun for all the family.

Tomorrow is Pancake day. Ramsay is ready to roll.



Sunday, 22 February 2009

What's The Story...

The always incredible Pussycat Dolls Presents: Girlicious was on E4 today. (For my feelings about Girlicious please check here) It made me think about starting my own girl band. There aren't that many around these days. Girls Aloud only have a couple of years left in them and I think people only pay attention to The Saturdays because they're trying to figure out if it's OK that Frankie formerly of paedo's dream S-Club Juniors gives them a T in their D (Tingle in their Dingle for those not up on slang). There's a gap in the market and where I see a gap I go and fill it.

So far all I have is a name... 'Morning Glory'.
They're going to be the sexiest, most in your face, girl power-tastic girl band ever. Basically, if you don't have a 'Morning Glory' poster in your room then basically you're gay. If there's any slutty girls who want to be in a girl band then hit me up. Although I hope to turn the audition process into a reality TV show a la Girlicious. (Note to Skins: You can't satirise PCD Presents: Girlicious because it is already SO ridiculous. Same goes for you Peter Kay. You're only drawing attention to things we can already see)



Friday, 20 February 2009

Britain's Got Thrush

Has anyone else noticed a prevalence of adverts for Thrush cream lately? Is it just me? Am I noticing this sort of thing as I get older? Canesten Duo is the main one. It totally double teams the thrush. What is going on? Does everybody have thrush now and no one is talking about it? I think we need to have some sort of BBC variety night or week long Channel 4 crusade that totally blows the myths about thrush apart. Holly Willoughby could present or maybe that Dawn woman from that Channel 4 sex show who had sex with everyone. Maybe McFly could record a charity single. I'd like that.

Britain's Got Thrush.

What are you going to do about it?



Monday, 16 February 2009


How am I supposed to choose my own lobster when there are no lobsters to choose from? Nic and I spent Valentine's day scouting locations for horror films. The drive-in bbq has seen better days.



Note: I feel bad about my recent lack of blogging so I'm thinking of doing some photo blogging like this. More every day stuff to go in with the shameless self promotion and my upset over the new Skins.

Monday, 2 February 2009

Yeah, Well You're Two Penises Short of a Shania Twain Reimagining!

Hey kids! There's a new issue of Gallery out in stores and available on the internet for the low, low price of completely free. This month I confront my issues with Brad Pitt, go on and on about how Penelope Cruz and Scarlett Johannson make out in Woody Allen's new flick and make the stunning (yet entirely true) revelation that Jason Biggs invented the institution of marriage. Go! Go! Go!

In other news I went to see 'Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist' last night - awesome! A love story told across one New York night filled with music and magic and plenty of funny shit. Michael Cera again puts in a stand out performance matching his usual geeky charm with a bit of a rock star edge. The rest of the cast are great too, especially Norah (I dare you not to fall in love at the same time as Nick does) and Nick's ex Tris who whilst a complete bitch still manages to show why Nick would be so hopefully in love with her in the first place. There's also a great indie soundtrack filled to the brim with what the kids are dancing to. It made me want to spend a night wandering around New York. Check it out.

It may be sacrilege but I maybe enjoyed it more than Slumdog Millionaire. Don't get me wrong, I loved Slumdog and it is probably the greater cinematic achievement. It's just that N&N seems like a film that was made for me... not specifically... but it's a film that connected with me on a deeper level that normal. Where I am in my life right now this film meant more to me than Slumdog. That being said I won't begrudge Slumdog any of the Oscars that seem to be coming its way.



Friday, 30 January 2009

Teenage Kicks

Last week good friend and noted television critic Tom Haywood lamented me for not hating the first episode of Skins Series 3. Given it wasn't a great hour of television but as a first episode it did the job of introducing the cast of characters and got the ball rolling in the post Tony & The Gang climate. However, this week no such excuses can be made.

I have a number of issues with last night's episode 2. First of all, the characters themselves. The first two series of Skins worked on a sort of week by week revolving basis starting with the surfaces of these characters and then delving deeper into them as each took a turn in the spotlight. Series 3 looks to follow on from this format starting last night with the character Cook. And after an hour getting to know Cook all I can say is that he seems to be a more reprehensible bastard than at the start. I say getting to know him but all last night's episode succeeded in was taking the surface aspects of his character and cranking them up further and further. He's loud, obnoxious and likes women and drugs. Really? Is that it? The other characters aren't much better either coming across just as unlikeable as Cook or being pushed into the background so far that they basically act as set decoration (Blonde girl I'm looking at you). Even Effy who worked so well as Tony's anchor to morality in the first two series is nothing more than a vapid object to divide the male characters. Freddy and JJ are the best of a bad bunch but that's probably due to my natural inclination to side with the geeky. 'But Steve couldn't these same criticisms be applied to Tony from Skins series 1 and 2? Yes, series 1 especially. Tony is almost Machiavellian in his scheming and is manipulative to friends and enemies alike. Yet, he is never someone we as the audience hate. We in fact side with him because the other characters do. Chris, Sid, Anwar, Maxie and the rest are all so instantly and insanely likeable that because they obviously see something in Tony we want to see this too. Skins 1 and 2 can be viewed as Tony's journey from a selfish user of people to the humbled but still gifted leader of the gang who keeps them together in spite of the tragedy that seems to pervade their lives as the curtain comes down on their time together. Compare this to loutish Cook who repels everyone except his closest friends and seems to bounce from one ill thought out act to the next.

My second major issue with last night's episode was what seems to be a distinct detachment from the reality that the show was initially based in. Yes, I am quite aware that the show is fictional and has a license to exaggerate (I read comics for fucks sake) but what I loved about the first two series was that whatever situation the characters found themselves in it was always relatable. I've been to crazy house parties with people I didn't know, I've seen people struggle with the decision of whether school is the right environment for them but I have never trawled around Bristol at two in the morning looking for prostitutes. Compare the characters attitude toward The Mad Hatter in Series 1 with the attitude toward Jonny White in Series 3. I don't know anyone who would stumble across a chained up nipple clamped gangster and intentionally aggravate them by taking pictures on a camera phone but I do know people who have maybe messed with the wrong type of person and then done everything in their power to avoid them at whatever cost.

Related to the detachment from the reality is the Drug and Alcohol use in this series so far. I celebrate the fact that Skins acknowledges that teenagers enjoy drugs and alcohol. That is pretty much a fact. What I can't handle is the extent that it's been taken to. In the first episode Cook has a couple of pints before school and a load of 'spliff'. Does any teacher smell his breath? In episode two I know it's his Birthday but he drinks enough to probably kill an elephant and never goes past the 'a bit drunk' phase. There is also Pandora ingesting a small bag of drugs (MDMA) and again not feeling any effect. I'm not an expert but someone who's never used before eating an entire bag of drugs is sure to have some sort of negative effect isn't it? I don't want to be lectured on the dangers of drink and drugs but moments like this take me out of the story and that has to be a bad thing. For a far more accurate representation of my experiences with teen drinking watch The Inbetweeners and their increasingly more desperate attempts to even get their hands on alcohol of any kind.

I probably will be tuning in next week for episode three. The people behind the show have built up a load of good will from the first two series and I'm hoping the new cast will grow on me. Maybe for this to happen some of the louder characters will have to take a back seat and allow the so far background characters to come forward and shine. After the first episode Tom said to me that if Skins series one and two were American Pie, Series three was American Pie: Beta House (The Straight to DVD sixth movie that I have sadly seen). I wouldn't say it's that bad but at the moment if Skins 1 & 2 were Saved By The Bell this would be Saved By The Bell: The New Class (Before Screech came back as Assistant Principal).



Thursday, 29 January 2009

First & Free Motherfucker

Take that fictional Middle Eastern country! 50 Cent is back in the sequel to 50 Cent: Bulletproof (How did I miss that one?!) killing terrorists in quite a haphazard manner. You can play as 50 or one of the far less popular members of G-Unit (But why would you ever do that?). As you can see 50 loves swearing and handing out gunishment. Wonderful stuff.

I think there's potential to this idea. You could have Pete Doherty: Smackdown, R.Kelly: Out of the Closet (I think a puzzle based RPG would be a cracking way to go with this one) or maybe Katie Perry: I Want To Kiss A Girl where you control Katie in a fictional quest for vagina. As usual video games companies please leave your details in the comments section and I will get back to you.



Thursday, 22 January 2009

The Nightman Cometh!

I have gone on before about why It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia is one of the best shows on TV that you're not watching. The characters go to the sort of lows other more prominent shows can only dream of. To give you a flavour just read some of these episode titles - Charlie Got Molested, Charlie Wants an Abortion, The Gang Goes Jihad, Mac Bangs Dennis' Mom. Bare in mind this doesn't go into the fantasy world that South Park sometime inhabits. This is all stuff that could plausibly happen.

At the climax (LOL) of the fourth season the creators choose to follow in the footsteps of That 70s Show and Buffy with a completely ridiculous musical episode. I don't want to ruin it for you but any TV show that can get away with a line of dialogue like 'I think the rape scene went really well' is OK in my book. Check it out, you won't regret it... Probably.



Wednesday, 21 January 2009

We Are The Nation

In the wake of Barack Obama's inauguration much has been made of the contribution made by Civil Rights campaigners in helping us reach this most historic of moments. However, there is one name conspicuous by its absence. It is a name that ranks alongside that of Martin Luthor King Jnr. It is the name Farooq.

In 1997 Farooq united the black wrestlers of the WWF under the moniker of the Nation of Domination. This was in no way a storyline, grouping together helped these oppressed wrestlers strike out against the white and mexican dominated WWF hierarchy that was holding them back. We just have to look at their results. Under the careful tutelage of Farooq - Rocky Maivia became The Rock rising through the ranks to become heavyweight champion and then the multiple Oscar winning movie star we all adore today, Kamala Mustafa discovered his true vocation as an in no way stereotypical pimp, D-Lo Brown did his funny head shaking thing and Mark Henry got an old woman pregnant who then gave birth to a hand (You win some, you lose some I guess). Who knows, if Farooq hadn't brought these changes to the wrestling world then Barack might not be in the White House today?

So when you're saying your prayers tonight I ask of you one thing. Take a moment and say thanks to our boy Farooq. We couldn't have done it without you.



Tuesday, 20 January 2009

My 3D Valentine

I went to see My Bloody Valentine with low expectations. I mean it wasn't in 3D (which is the main selling point in all the adverts) and it was a remake of an 80s horror film that wasn't particularly fondly remembered. I have to say though, it was an OK movie. It didn't do anything special but it sticks to a tried and tested formula and amps everything up TO THE MAX. There is plenty of gore (kudos evil miner man for your creativity with a pick axe), some suspense (though I'm sure the mines could have been used better. see - The Descent) and some truly excellent nudity (including a woman who for almost her entire role in the movie walks around naked). The only thing that ruins it is a truly horrible ending that only works if the audience accepts that one of the scenes that happened earlier in the film just didn't happen. It's an easy problem to fix - don't show the scene just show the aftermath and let the audience fill in the gaps (probably incorrectly and therefore accomplishing the goal of the whole thing). I think maybe the filmmakers bloodlust just got the better of them. The lack of 3D is a more difficult problem. There are so many scenes that you can just tell by the way they were shot that they were intended to show off the 3D factor. It isn't too jarring it just leaves you with a sadness that you're not watching the 3D version. That being said, if you have the opportunity to watch the 3D version go and check it out now!! What are you waiting for? Valentine's Day (Which of course is the logical release date!?!)?



Monday, 19 January 2009

Fresh News

These are exciting days for fans of the hippity hop. Not only are Blazin Squad set for a return to touring (Who would've thought Friday Hill wouldn't work out?) but also Soulja Boy is preparing to return for a worldwide multimedia domination. In a live action / cartoon hybrid imaginatively titled Soulja Boy Tell'Em: The Animated Series the animated Soulja Boy clashes with maybe the only man capable of giving him a run for the money in the dancing stakes - The man voted best dancer of the 1990s - It's only flesh and blood Carlton from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Prepare for dance-citement.

See you at the Crossroads.



Sunday, 18 January 2009

Wiped Out

Total Wipeout is the show that you wish the new Gladiators was... except for the fact there are no Gladiators in it. I should probably clear that up. The show (Saturday nights on BBC 1) involves 20 competitors being whittled down to one through a series of assault courses and challenges which in some way are similar to those on Gladiators (In particular the Eliminator).

Total Wipeout doesn't have any of the pretensions of Gladiators. Instead of having the commentator talking about how tough the challenges are and trying to sell the fact that this is a true battle between athletes you get Richard Hammond snidely taking the piss as people get absolutely battered... It's brilliant. Where Gladiators has referees and places safety at a paramount the challenges on this show seem set-up to hurt people. Where Gladiators has challenges that are tough but definitely do-able this has people attempting things that appear to be literally impossible (and getting hurt in the process). Where the contestants on Gladiators are finely tuned athletes they appear to let anyone on Total Wipeout.

The creators have basically taken all the elements that have made Japanese game shows like Takeshi's Castle such a hit and given them a more workable and Western structure. Now all we need to do is find a way to include muscle bound roid freaks chasing the pensioners and hairdressers as they attempt the courses.



Monday, 12 January 2009

Oly's Sex is Apparently on Fire

Kings of Leon - Sex On Fire. Wait till the start of the third verse, listen carefully now and you'll hear a shout out to my good friend Oly Le Feuvre. We don't know what the Kings of Leon want with him and whether it involves sex or fire or both, whatever the case may be, Oly we salute you. OLY LE FEUVRE!



Sunday, 11 January 2009

Tropical Island Paradise in Winter Shades

I call this composition 'Tropical Island Paradise in Winter Shades'. What you might not be able to tell is that it was actually REALLY cold. Not included are the numerous photos of me jumping off walls pretending to be Spider-Man.

In other news Dooby The Cat was sick yesterday. It was gross.



Friday, 9 January 2009

Shame = Tom

It is a true shame when people remove tags of themselves in pictures on Facebook. This vanity must be stopped by any means necessary. Shame on you Tom Haywood. You brought this upon yourself. Oh and speaking of vanity, is that notorious photo-hog Alex Jones? Tut tut.



Thursday, 1 January 2009


What a crazy old year that was huh? Onto a new one now and as is my way I'm going to make some predictions. Last year we didn't do so well with a grand total of 0 out of 10 predictions. I've used crystal balls, tarot cards and complex super computers and this is what WILL happen this year.

1. Beyonce will open a bird sanctuary and call it 'The Birds & The B'. It will be a huge success and be voted the most girlicious bird sanctuary on the planet.

2. After years of perfecting the recipe I will finally unleash my horse shaped (and flavoured) 'Seabiscuits' onto the market. Only a mere 5 years after the release of the film too.

3. The credit crunch will lead to all paper money becoming worthless and people will revert to bartering and trading.

4. An especially charismatic cat will be elected to an important political position.

5. Man will walk on the moon.

6. The Salvation Army will challenge the real Army to a dance-off... and WIN!

7. Eddie Murphy will win all The Oscars.

8. The musical craze of the year will be covers of Lighthouse Family songs. This will reach a stunning climax in December 2009 when a Lighthouse Family tribute band win The X-Factor.

9. Watchmen will be the best film ever and everyone will start reading comics and the world will be all the better for it. I will be given a comics themed television chat show.

10. Machines will enslave the human race having picked up the idea by watching Terminator.

Personally, I can't wait.