Monday, 31 December 2007

Search For The Hero

Happy New Year's Eve Readers. In every paper, on every TV channel and on every website there are reviews of the year being presented and you know what most of them are REALLY REALLY negative. 2007 wasn't that bad was it? So England failed in some sporting events... What's new? Sure there was some bad stuff happening and some shite on Television, but there is every year. I don't give a fuck if Britney shaved her head or Paris Hilton went to prison. All in all these things do very little to effect me.

Instead I want to celebrate what was good about 2007. Let us celebrate the heroes:

Optimus Prime
Judd Apatow (Writer-Director of Knocked Up and Producer of Superbad)
Michael Cera (Clark & Michael, Arrested Development, Superbad)
The Mighty Boosh
Fernando Torres

Ryan Jarman (The Cribs)

Hiro Nakamura

Sarah Silverman

The Barenaked Ladies

Flight of the Conchords

R. Kelly

The list could go on and on and in each case I could write an entry on each person but frankly I don't have the time. Instead I am going to select a single hero. One man who has stood above others and shone like some sort of shining star. Ladies and Gentleman, join me in saluting....


OK, Akon did some bad things in 2007.
He did sort of assault a fan on stage. (BOOM TOWN!)

And he did simulate sex with a 15 year old Minister's daughter on stage in a club.
Some might even suggest his music is a bit shit.
BUT.... He apologised. Yes, Akon said 'Sorry, blame it on me.'

Through the medium of song Akon did what so few celebrities have ever had the guts to do. He made a heartfelt apology. The song starts...

As life goes on I’m starting to learn more and more about responsibility
I realize everything I do is affecting the people around me So I want to take this time out to apologize for things I have done And things that have not occurred yet And the things they don’t want to take responsibility for

Akon's trials and tribulations have taught him shit. He not only apologises for things he has done but also for things that havn't occurred yet. Yeah there are a few excuses...

I’m sorry for Club Zen getting shut down
I hope they manage better next time around How was I to know she was underage In a 21 and older club they say

He is right though. Yes graphically simulating sex on stage was probably a bad idea but it is sort of the club's fault too. And the media, yeah media, TAKE SOME BLAME TOO YOU BUNCH OF BASTARDS! Furthermore, he apologises for things other people have done! Akon positions himself as a sort of Hip Hop Messiah. Next time you do something wrong, put the blame on Akon, he can take it. He sang for our sins and we should be thankful. (Though R. Kelly if you're reading this I don't think trying to put the blame on Akon in your court case will work)

In years to come Akon's sacrifice will be recognised. Just remember where you read about it first.




PS - 50th Post!

Thursday, 27 December 2007

Street Fight For Your Right

I love Kristin Kreuk. She is insanely hot. Correct me if I'm wrong but I have never met a guy who wouldn't. She has an allure to her, this sort of distinct (distinctly hot) look to her. Still her career has never really taken off past Smallville and looking at this article I don't think it is going to anytime soon.

Kristin Kreuk as Chun Li in a Street Fighter spin off movie. Apparently it is unrelated to the big steaming pile of dog turd that is the Jean Claude Van Damme / Kylie Minogue / why isn't anyone fighting / why doesn't American army sergeant Guile have a clearly eastern European accent / Blanka is just a skinny green guy with a haircut that makes him look like Chuckie from Rugrats Street Fighter Movie but that doesn't mean it will do anything but suck. IT IS STILL A VIDEO GAME MOVIE.

I think maybe recreating the true Street Fighter 2 experience in live action movie might be pretty shit anyway. I remember playing the game as a kid. I remember picking fat fat fatty sumo E.Honda and using my repetitive fast punching move to beat everyone. Who wants to watch that movie? And how do you explain the scene where E.Honda kicks the shit out of a parked car for absolutely no reason. Bonus points? Whatever.

Did anyone see The Extras finale? Really great stuff again and surprisingly uplifting considering all that went on (Not going to spoil it too much for anyone who hasn't seen it yet.) It has to be said though, Stephen Merchant, Barry and Dean Gaffeney dancing to a ring tone = Comedy Genius.



Wednesday, 26 December 2007

For The Kids

Many people have claimed modern Video Games inspire violence, social deviancy and bad body odor. Obviously most of these people are complete knobtards but that isn't going to stop them campaigning for the banning of these games. I think I have a solution...

Steve-Co presents... WII Doin Time
Yes, that's right kids! The first video game replicating exactly what it is like to be imprisoned in a modern day correctional facility. Choose your difficulty level from Petty Thief, Drug Trafficker or Terrorist with a penchant for Rape and Murder and embark on your stint in the big house. Using the power of the Wii you will have to (amongst other things)
-Win over your cell mate by wanking them off
-Knife potential rivals during recreation time in the prison yard
-Wank off fellow prisoners in the shower to get them on your team (Don't drop the soap!)
-Inject heroin your sweetheart smuggled in for you.
Will you become 'The Don' or will you end up in solitary confinement??

It'll be brilliant. There could be a celebrity endorsement. Like John Madden or Wayne Gretzky but, you know, someone who has done time. Maybe Kiefer Sutherland. He has street cred. I mean he's fucking Jack Bauer! I would play that game.

What sort of Kid is going to go want to turn to a life of crime after wanking off a bunch of virtual psychos for hours on end? I'll tell you, the sort of kid who is going to be fucked up whether they play video games or not. Plus all these potential murderers are going to end up with frail wrists so that's good too.



Tuesday, 25 December 2007

The Christmas Message

Merry Christmas to one and all!

I hope everyone has had an enjoyable and relaxing day so far. Here at Bingo Bob's Winter Wonderland it has pretty much been business as usual. Good food, gifts (check back later in the week for some commentary) and conversation ranging from the interesting to the borderline crazy. Straddling the line between the sublime and the ridiculous is my Grandfather talking about Turkeys.... Allow me to share ....

Did you know Turkeys can (AND WILL) be sea sick. Oh yes. Years and years ago my Grandfather ran a fish shop in the market. Every Christmas he would be given the job of travelling to France to pick up the Turkeys (Yes I know they aren't fish) for the shop. Well Grandpa would do just this and every year on the way back his boat would be filled with Turkeys throwing their guts up. It isn't much of a story really. He never befriended a Turkey and helped it to safety though I think that's the sort of idea Pixar would gobble up (GET IT?). Anyway, Turkeys get sea sick... FACT.

As well as that Turkey knowledge I bring you the gift of my personal heroes Justin Timberlake and The Lonely Island Boys singing a very special Emmy Award Winning Christmas song. I am very much a purveyor of Christmas musicality. I like some of the usual stuff burnt into our ear drums every year but I would also recommend hunting down Fall Out Boy's Christmas offering 'Yule Shoot Your Eyes Out' and the various covers of songs from The Nightmare Before Christmas performed by F.O.B, Panic et all. Also you just can't go wrong with Sufjan Stevens at this time of year. He has a ridiculous number of Christmas songs all about a million times more powerful than the X-Factor shite topping the chart today.

Peace AND Love


Sunday, 23 December 2007

Still Waiting For Mandy

I don't talk to my brother a great deal when I'm at university. I think I should talk to him more. Today I found out that the girl who lives in the room next to him is a stripper. Yes, a stripper. The sort of girl who takes her clothes off in a club whilst men shove cash money into her g-string. The type of girl who Wyclef Jean wrote one damn fine song for. Just because she dances go-go it don't make her a ho no. That's not all. This stripper neighbour is only seventeen. Oh and her Father has written a play about her life which is now touring. Oh yes,

Did I mention that in the play her father has changed things around so that she dies in the end? Still, Chris says she is a nice girl and that if she has a particularly good night she buys the people on her corridor lunch the next day. A pretty sweet deal if you ask me. I wish one of my housemates was a stripper. Paul could maybe do it though I imagine he would be reluctant to remove any of his glittery scarves.



Saturday, 15 December 2007

The Power of Imagination

(Tannas prior to an imaginary three way)
There are plenty of good things about being single. There are things you can do that you wouldn't be able to do if you were in a relationship or whatever. One of these things is make up an imaginary girlfriend. I mean you could fixate on a real person and pretend you're going out with them but I mean where's the fun in that? (There may also be certain legal issues which may become a problem if you get really into it) It's all about using your imagination... You can give her a name, a back story, interests, you could even make a Facebook profile for her. Looks of course are very important, why not draw yourself a picture? She can literally look however you want her to. You could even give her cool accessories like a hook or a gun for a hand. There's no limit to the fun you can have. I like to make an I-Tunes playlist entirely made up of songs containing her name and listen to it whilst I imagine we're on a date at a museum or sometimes Lazer Quest. If you're bored / lonely why not give it a go today? Just don't be like me and make your imaginary girlfriend a cheating hussy.

NOTE: You can obviously do this if you are in a relationship but it might get classed as cheating, Imaginary cheating.



Tuesday, 11 December 2007

A Nice Little Chuckle

As some of you may have noticed my housemate Dave has recently launched his own Television channel. Simply called 'Dave' it is filled with repeats of classic British TV shows such as I'm Alan Partridge, Never Mind The Buzzcocks and Top Gear (Vomit). It has been a big success and due to such the house has been filled with uber hot super models willing to fulfil Dave's every whim. Frankly, I want to get in on this action. In 2008 I will be launching 'Steve' a new channel for Modern Man. Unlike Dave I will be going for quality, innovative and most importantly entertaining new programming. To make this happen I have been meeting some of TV's biggest movers and shakers. You don't believe me? Check out this transcript of my meeting with THE CHUCKLE BROTHERS! *


Steve: Hi guys. I'm Steve, President of Steve TV and CEO of Steve-Corp.
Barry: Hello Steve.
-They Shake Hands-
Paul: Hello Steve.
-They Shake Hands but Paul forces Steve into a sawing handshake motion.-
Paul: To me.
Steve: What?
Paul: TO ME!
Barry: Not now Paul!
-The handshake is broken up-
Steve: OK then. Lets cut to the chase boys. I want to talk about the script.
Barry: We wanted to branch out.
Paul: Be taken seriously.
Barry: The script is about a married woman who is the victim of sexual violence.
Paul: She gets raped!
Barry: Yes she does. It's about the aftermath of her attack and how she somehow finds a way of coping with such a terrible ordeal.
Paul: How the baggage of the past ways down her future.
Steve: Yes I get that.
Paul: The baggage is the rape.
Steve: Yes, yes it's just during the actual sex attack I counted seven seperate visual gags in the script.
Barry: I'm not sure what you mean.
Steve: Well, for example. During the attack you and Paul are playing window cleaners who accidentally happen upon the rape.
Barry: Yes.
Steve: Well don't you think having the both of you fall off the ladder in the background might detract from the gravitas of what is happening in the foreground?
Paul: Do you think maybe one of us should be dressed as a woman?
Barry: We could be the woman being raped!
Steve: No that's not what I mean at all. Look just after that, you climb back up the ladder but you have a bucket on your foot. The script reads 'With bucket on his foot Window Cleaner Barry falls face first into the window momentarily distracting Leroy from the task of splitting Debbie in half with his mighty cock.'
Barry: We could take the bucket out. I could just slip on a sponge or something.
Steve: I think it's more of a problem with tone. A massive problem with tone.
Barry: Oh dear.
Paul: Oh dear, Oh dear.
Steve: It's not that we don't want to work with you it's just I don't think this is the right project for us. Now what would you guys think of being part of something called 'Bear Hunting With Celebrities'?


As you can plainly see, things are going great.

Bloc Party and The Cribs on Thursday Night... Yes please.



*NOTE: The above conversation with The Chuckle Brothers may not have happened. It may actually be entirely fictional. Well, OK, it is fictional. I salute you Paul and Barry. Your memory will endure.

Wednesday, 5 December 2007

Happy Hannukah

One thing I like doing is making lists. Another thing I like is receiving free food. Yesterday I received a free donut from The Jewish Society in celebration of Hannukah. So in honour of that I present.... MY TOP 5 JEWISH PEOPLE! (NOTE: Lists are subject to change)

1. Jesus Christ
Pretty self explanatory. The first super-hero if you will. Jesus used his made god given skills to help people and turn water into wine and do all sorts of crazy shit. J.C you truly had Steveitude.

2. Seth Cohen
Little known fact, Seth Cohen was actually based on me. Black hair, tropical beach setting, love of comic books, witty dialogue. Also Seth has a massive Ben Folds Five poster and I love Ben Folds. Finally, I agree Summer is hot. Obviously they had to change some things like him being Jewish and all but you can clearly see the Steve. (PS - Sandy rules too but I didn't want to just make this an I love The Cohens post)

3. Yossi Benayoun
He's pretty good. All sorts of tricks in his bag. I like him more than Ronny Rosenthal anyway.

4. Zach Braff
Now I'm not 100% sure that the Braff is Jewish. I really like to think he is. In fact I'd say I'm 85% sure he is Jewish. He has the sort of geek vibe going too. He's J.D for Pete's Sake! (Notice not Christ's sake) Also he wrote and directed Garden State which is definitely one of my top 5 movies of all time. (Another list, another time)
EDIT: Zach is definitely Jewish, his middle name is ISRAEL! Also he has OCD, you learn something new everyday I guess.

5. Phil Scullion
He had to make it onto the list somewhere. Though 'the best looking player in the C league' shouldn't get too big headed over this as he clearly ranks below people I've never met and fictional characters. Well done anyway Phil! Cement mixers on you next time.



Monday, 22 October 2007

Nonces In Space (Rejected Title)

Hey sports fans. Sorry there has been very little action at Steve Towers recently but I have been busy with two other very exciting projects.

The first is a children's book called Bi-Polar Bear. Through our lead character 'Bear' it teaches children about Bi-Polar disease using words and drawings. It is still in the final planning stages as the publishers have yet to approve the ending in which Bear mauls his best buddy Race the Racoon. I just don't think they understand the reality of the disease.

Having just googled Bi-Polar Bear I think I may have been too late with this one. Damn.

The second project is a script for a new film in the evergreen Alien saga. Here is it's imdb entry:

Alien vs Sexual Predator
Writer: Steve Lawrence
Release Date: 31st October 2009
Tagline: Prepare to be offended... sexually
Plot: In the year 2012 sex offenders are no longer sent to prison for their crimes, instead they are placed in rocket ships and launched into space. After one of these ships crash lands on a planet where the native species resemble Earth children the prisoners think they are in luck. But what they don't know is that the children aren't the only inhabitants of this planet...
Plot Keywords: Horror / Action / Gore / Christmas

The budget is $240 million. I think it will be a hit with the torch bearing masses.

Finally, how about Dumbledore being gay? Dear oh dear Ms Rowling even the most clueless English 101 student will tell you that an author loses all power over a text once they have committed it to paper. Sure if you'd have made Dumbledore's sexuality explicit that would have been fine but you can't go round declaring things after! That is unless there is a Super Gay Special Edition coming out? Oh well, I'm sure all the weird slash fiction writers are having the time of their lives with their Dumbledore gives Spock a hand job stories.



Sunday, 16 September 2007

What do you call a homeless robot? A hobot

I've been working for about 10 weeks now and one thing has become quite clear. By and large work sucks. It just does. If I could I would just stay at home and people could send me money. (Please do if there are any eccentric millionaires reading this) However, money is a requirement for my many interests / smack addiction. Still, there is another option. Every morning on my way to work I walk past the park where all the hobos hang out and you know what they seem like they're having a great time. Sitting around in their wacky clothes drinking extra strength lager at 8.30am they are following their dreams. There's one particular guy, I call him 'upstanding gentleman hobo' who always seems to have a smile on his face. It's probably because he has a sweet jumper with 'university' on it. I actually think he may have been a super genius university lecturer who one day just thought to himself 'study is well and good but life really is just about sitting in the park... and getting pissed.' Either that or he's a sociologist studying hobos by becoming one. Anyway, if you've got the time go down to the esplanade and just watch the time pass with those crazy cats. They won't rape or mug you... probably.

Blogger have just uploaded a new site where you can view a slide show of random images being uploaded to blogs all over the world. It's mesmerizing.
It brings me great joy to know a picture of Jose with a thong around his head will be being viewed by millions of strangers around the world.

Also if anyone is heading down to the movie theatre any time soon go and see Superbad! The funniest film I've seen this year, maybe ever. I would use the old laugh a minute cliche but I think the laugh ratio may have been higher than that. It had Josh clapping. Also it has AD alumni Michael Cera and you know that has got to be a good thing.

I got to sleep at about 9 this morning. If you're walking around St Lawrence with a Tracker bar at 7am you know something has gone wrong. Oly was trying to buy Beer. NOT ON THE SABBATH!



Friday, 14 September 2007

Kenan vs Kell

How the fuck do you follow up Trapped In The Closet?? It seems by recording a song which is basically a conversation between you (R. Kelly) and your mate Usher. Utter comedy as the two realise they have been banging the same girl. I won't ruin the ending but it would put Seinfeld to shame! Also hilariously enough Usher refers to R.Kelly as Kells throughout the song. It's like he's talking to a pet.

Yes I realise my blog is now pretty much exclusively about R.Kelly but isn't that a good thing?



Thursday, 13 September 2007

Caption Competition

Hey kiddies, I just uploaded a shed load of photos to my Facebook account, ALL WITH CAPTIONS. I captioned my photos once and people seemed to enjoy it and now I can't stop. It's alot of pressure. Please comment along with me, it'll be like having a conversation but better because we won't actually have to look at each other. And if you're not my Facebook friend... Why not? Is it because you're a creepy weirdo? I don't know, you tell me. BE MY FRIEND.

I'm off to watch Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip. Happy commenting.



Tuesday, 11 September 2007

Trapped In The Chicken

R. Kelly in shock new Chicken sex scandal! OK that might not be a shock but it isn't true. Yes that is me in the picture above. Rhodri's Birthday was on Saturday and I went dressed as your hero and mine R.Kelly. Yes it's controversial but I don't think it's racist. Would it be racist for a black person to white themselves up to go as (I don't know) Chris De Burgh for example? No I wouldn't think so. There was one lady who maybe thought so. Whilst I was at the front of the bar at the Mont Felard pub she stood to the side tutting. I don't know, maybe my costume was just really convincing and she was an outright racist. If so, shame on you lady, shame on you.

Rhodri's had a coach party. Coach parties are brilliant. This weekend I'm going on another one. I think maybe the world would be a better place if all nights out took place on coaches. The coaches would bus people around forcing interaction with other coach parties. You would see a great variety of people and places and if you hooked up you could just jump on another coach. Imagine it, you could buy a pass for the night and go all over the shop. Stay with your mates if you want or mix things up and go all creepy loner. Still I would worry about old ladies wondering onto the wrong bus wanting to get the 10A to St Marys or whatever... Or would I?

Oh and if anyone found the blog by googling the phrase 'R.Kelly Chicken Sex' please leave a comment and let us know why the fuck you were searching for that!


Friday, 7 September 2007

100 Words

Here is an oldy from the files. It was written for a 100 word short story writing exercise / competition.

Mortimer was a monocle wearing crab of renowned intelligence. Creatures from across the ocean sought out his wisdom. He taught sharks haiku, whales how to dress like a mod, giant squids interpretive dance and conducted a dolphin choir in a rendition of R.Kelly’s urban opera ‘Trapped in the Closet’. However, he felt unfulfilled. He felt a need to journey to the world of humans to test himself. Gibble, a starfish who enjoyed Connect 4, begged him to stay but failed in his pleas. Mortimer was eventually eaten by fluent dutch speaker and Saved By the Bell star Mark-Paul Gosselaar.

I think I won.

Look out tomorrow night. Rhodri's R-Themed Coach Party. I think R.Kelly may have finally escaped from that closet.



Thursday, 6 September 2007


Proving that I am not some sort of crazy and that I actually very much have my fingers on the Hollywood pulse it turns out Ridley Scott is making a movie version of Monopoly (Page 19 of the current issue of Empire). I have oft joked about this in the past but it seems that maybe I truly am some sort of creative visionary genius. Look for the announcement of James Cameron's attachment to a Furby adaptation any day now. In other ridiculous news the 'My Super Sweet 16 Movie' is on MTV tomorrow night. Yes, a movie based on the 'not at all in touch with reality' TV show. You don't believe me? Go Here. Rowdy Roddy Piper is in it. You know it can't be good. Confusingly enough Hellogoodbye feature. I can definitely see myself watching this at some point. I did watch Cheaper By The Dozen 2.

Hollyoaks was pretty heavy today moving away from comedy anorexia to boring speeches about anorexia. Skins did it much better. Still, to balance all the heaviness possibly the greatest plot development in the history of the show took place... Leo's secret children!! How do they keep coming up with such fresh and exciting ideas?

In other news my brother has gone off to university. This leaves me an only child for the next three and a bit weeks. I think I already have slight only child syndrome. My Dad refused to buy me a horse and I am quite ratty about it.


Tuesday, 28 August 2007

Fall Over

Just back from Reading and needless to say I'm completely exhausted. No time at the moment for a complete rundown of events but it was just as good as it always is. Great bands, Good Friends and Muchos Partying. Now everyone get a ticket for next year! If you get the opportunity to see the highlights look out for Fall Out Boy's cover of R.Kelly's Ignition (Remix). It pretty much made my life.

On the subject of Fall Out Boy some people complain about their lyrics not making sense. But I put this question to you... WHAT THE FUCK IS A WONDERWALL?



Friday, 17 August 2007

Be Kind, Rewind

The best movie of next year?

From the director of Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind and Science of Sleep (You should see it if you havn't yet) and starring Jack Black and Mos Def. The trailer is better than many films I have seen. Knocked Up and The Bourne Ultimatum are also two films you should go and see. What are you waiting for? Go!



Sunday, 12 August 2007

Furby or not Furby

So I've noticed that there seems to be a bit of a craze for turning toy lines into live action movies. Consult previous posts for me gushing about how Transformers got it so very very right. At the other end of the spectrum there is Bratz being released next week. To be fair all I've seen of Bratz is the trailer. However, if this is anything but one of the worst movies of all time I'd be shocked. The aforementioned trailer paints it as a sort of pre pubescent Mean Girls, why would anyone want to see that? I say go for The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants. I havn't seen it but it is Jose Antonio Franco's Fourth favourite movie of all time.

So whats next??? Power Rangers already had a live action movie (Ivan Ooze!?!) but I'll save that memory for another time. I think Hollywood is missing a trick. Why hasn't Furby: The Movie been put into production. I'll save the writers some time. The occupants of the planet Furbis are dieing from Furpes disease. The Furbis High Council elect to send their mightiest warrior KooKaLahCha to find help from an uninfected Furby colony on Earth. His spacecraft is struck by a meteor and damaged. Our hero is forced to land in the garden of 12 year old Aaron. Using it's basically retarded communication skills KooKaLahCha must get Aaron to help him save his planet by finding the lost Furby city all the while fighting the effects of Ferpes. Along the way Aaron learns about friendship and love and what it means to truly be a hero. It's a light hearted action romp for all the family. Sean William Scott has already expressed an interest in voicing KooKaLahCha. Shia LaBouef could play Aaron even though he is clearly much older than 12. Jason Biggs is not being considered for any part. I see it as a Franchise - Sequels, A Cartoon, Christmas Specials (A Furby Christmas Carol) and all the assorted Tie-Ins. If Hollywood is lazy they could just release Gremlins again with a different poster.


Sunday, 5 August 2007


Going Away / Birthday Party Bonanza + Pendulum + The Splash + Camping = Hangover! I think there might be a cosine function in there somewhere but you get the basic picture. After this deadly combo, I spent this glorious sunny day lieing on the couch watching Sky Movies Family, to be more specific I watched Cheaper By The Dozen 2. I couldn't handle anything taxing and this movie is pretty much the definition of not taxing. The characters were incredibly broad and their respective arcs were blindingly obvious from the start, still, in the state I was in I was nearly brought to tears on more than one occassion. Overall, the movie has Hillary Duff in it so you can probably just watch it without the sound on and furiously masturbate. The title bothered me slightly. They should have called it 'Cheaperer By The Dozen' or 'Cheaper By The Two Dozen' or 'Cheaper By The Thirteen' or 'Space Crusade'. They're all good titles. Also I think that whatever film Eugene Levy is in he should play a Dad if I see him in a film I presume he is a Dad. I wish he was my Dad.

One of yesterday's Birthdays was Liams. As is now the tradition we buy him pornography. I say 'we', Laura bought the magazine I stood behind her and said 'this is because you fail to satisfy me'. I thought Escort was a classier magazine than that. I'm sure Liam's enjoying it anyway. Maybe next year we will make him a porno.

You should definitely watch Entourage and listen to the new Yellowcard album. Probably not at the same time though.



Monday, 23 July 2007

Prime Position

So the furore over Mr Potter has sort of died down and I still don't care. I'm not sure why. I have recently been trying to figure this out. It seems like something I should be into. I read some articles, one suggested the book's popularity came from the fact that it's basically a detective novel dressed up in magical robes and made-up words. It had a good point but see I like detective novels and I don't like Harry Potter. In the end I think it's just the central principle that bothers me. For something so incredibly popular its not exactly a very original idea. There is a sort of familiarity to the concept and you know what I decided... Harry Potter is basically X-Men except they all have the same power. True some use the power better than others but its basically the same thing. Think about it... it's either that or a rewriting of Star Wars! I'm not saying I'm a hater (yo), I liked the films and I really can't describe the disdain I feel for those who have tried to ruin it for those who do enjoy it, I'm just saying it's a craze thats passed me by and I can't quite say why.

Still put Harry Potter against a giant motherfucking Transforming robot and no spells going to save him!

Transformers was without doubt one of the greatest films I have ever seen! I'm an old school Transformers fan, Optimus Prime is sitting here on my desk right now, I watched the classic animated movie before going and I have to say I had my reservations. (Bay made Pearl Harbour for fucks sake!) Still, I was blown away. I lost count of the times the hairs on the back of my neck stood up and they don't just stand up for any old thing. Of course the action was big and loud and exciting but it also had laughter (watch and learn Eddie Murphy) and heart, shiney robot heart. Also its a good thing robots cant get erection because they would be destroying all sorts of buildings with Megan Fox running about. There are of course numerous geeky moments to enjoy like Optimus Prime and Megatron quoting the original animated movie dialogue from their climactic battle. In conclusion go and see it. If you don't enjoy it I probably hate you.

Oh and here's hoping for Hot Rod and Unicron in the inevitable sequel! Oh and some Van Halen on the soundtrack. YOU'VE GOT THE TOUCH!!!


Monday, 16 July 2007

The Ending of Harry Potter!


Yes ladies and gentlemen it is a Fortress of Steveitude World Exclusive!!!! The final page of the new Harry Potter before anyone else can see it! If you do not wish to be spoiled then leave now! NOW I tell thee! How did I get hold of it you ask? Well those rumours in the press of JK Rowling and Chris De Burgh dating might have a little bit more truth to them than Ms Rowling's restraining order suggests. So without further adieu... The final page of Harry Potter!!!!!!!!!



Harry woke up in a sweat. He put his glasses on and looked around his room. Everything seemed normal, he felt relieved.


Harry’s mother entered the room with a plate of his favourite breakfast treat, toast with no sort of topping arranged into the shape of a sun.
‘You better hurry up Harry or you’ll be late for school.’
‘What did you call me mister?’
‘Oh I’m sorry Mom. I had the strangest dream where I was a wizard and I was at a wizard school and there were witches and giants and I played this weird sport with broomsticks and you and Dad had been killed by this evil guy with no nose who actually turned out to be a time travelling version of me from the future and I was totally into Asian chicks.’
Mrs Potter chuckled.
‘Gosh Harry what did you eat before going to sleep last night?’
‘I did eat lots of Cheese.’
‘Well that’s probably it. Asian chicks! You have a powerful imagination my boy. But seriously you know that stories of wizards and witches are paganism and a filthy affront to God. If you were a boy wizard you would most certainly be going to hell!’
‘Yes I know that Mother. I guess the dreams were just teaching me that very message. I’m glad I’m just a humble servant of Christ and not some soldier of Satan.’

So Harry got up, ate his breakfast, brushed his teeth and put on his clothes ready for school. Harry was very lucky in that the school he went to taught creationism rather than any of that evolution nonsense. Before he left the door though he looked up at his painting of Jesus (who was definitely white) and said a prayer very quietly under his breath.

‘Dear Lord,
Thank you for the fact that I live in a world where your son died for my sins,
Thank you for the fact that I live in a world where the only real magic is the love of a Christian for a brother or sister in faith,
Thank you for writing the Bible and making all fictional books pointless and unnecessary,
And finally if you deem it necessary for me to have the same dream again can you make it so that I get to bang Hermione. It’s probably not realistic that she gets with the ginger.

Harry smiled at Jesus and Jesus smiled back.

The End?????

Wow! What a shocker. I can tell you I certainly wasn't disappointed. I particularly liked the question marks at the end as they leave things open for a further book after Ms Rowling finishes her next novel 'Tom Clancy's Operation Leopard Storm 4000'. I can also exclusively reveal Mel Gibson is in talks to direct the movie adaptation. The only thing holding up the deal is his demand that Voldemoort is replaced as main villain with Jerry Seinfeld.


NOTE: All of the above may be fictional. I say may, it definitely is.

Sunday, 15 July 2007

Mack to the Future 2

As with any movie that has even the smallest chance of making a profit my small time independent time travel has been upgraded to a full blown ultra massive budget trilogy. Sadly because of certain creative differences I will not be involved in the sequel. Young avant garde love child of John Travolta Tom Haywood is taking over the reigns. Here is how the IMDB describes the film...

'Jason Biggs is a frustrated teenage geek who is having no luck with the ladies, that is until his wacky scientist father Eugene Levy invents a time machine, sending the manic pair forwards in to the future! Jason see's the chance for a change in his fortunes, and begins to play the field, only to find out he's been mackin' on his future daughter! Incest abounds alongside some seriously funny gross-out comedy in this hilarious time travel teen-sex filmfest. Will Jason end up marrying his child? Will he ever get one over on the ever-present Biffler? And will he ever get back to his own time? Find out now, in Mack to the Future.'

I'm sure it will be great. Chris De Burgh is working on a techno remix of Lady In Red for the soundtrack.

(Image and text courtesy of Tom)

Monday, 9 July 2007

Past It

What is with all the blasts from the past in the last two days? COME ON! I'm twenty, I shouldn't be getting nostalgic already. I really need to finish that time machine and then go back to those days and be all 'hey this wasn't so great, maybe I romanticized things.' Either that or have a wacky Back To The Future style adventure. Dude! You're totally mackin on your mom. Hmmm a time travel sex comedy. I will pitch it to Jason Biggs. If, as usual, he doesn't reply I will see what Chris De Burgh thinks. He is sitting on the chair next to me playing Wii tennis and chugging from a carton of Cranberry juice. Chris De Burgh is crazy.

I am now working at HSBC. I would tell you what my job is but it is top secret. I also don't understand what the abbreviations mean.



Saturday, 7 July 2007

We Could Be Heroes

My Hiro...

I just finished watching Episode 23 and what can I say? The best show on TV today, maybe all time. I won't ruin it for those who havn't seen it yet (Spoilers ahoy!) but if you don't like Heroes then there is obviously something wrong with you. There I said it. And if you like Heroes then you should damn well like comics. You want to know why...

Heroes is a comic book in the form of a TV series. Content aside, it is structured like most modern comic books with single episodes building into small arcs building into one larger arc. The constant reveals and cliffhangers are what comics are all about!
2. The content. The writing staff owe more than a little to the comic book industry in terms of characters, powers and story. Claire (Teenage Cheerleader Wolverine), Parkman (Any number of Mutant Mind Readers), Jessica (The Hulk) and Peter Petrelli has more in common with a certain everyman web slinger movie star hero than just the alliteration. Nathan's speech after the election could have been written by Uncle Ben!
3. Crossover of Personnel. Many of the people involved in bringing Heroes to the screen are also involved in the comic book industry. Jeph Loeb (Co-executive Producer and Writer) is a major star for Marvel Comics. Tim Sale, provider of Isaac Mendez's art, was also chosen from the comic book talent pool. Loeb and Sale actually worked together on a number of the comics that were presented to Micah (sp?) by Candice when she was babysitting. Together they worked on one of my favourite Spider-Man stories of all time in Spider-Man: Blue.
4. You will get the comic book injokes. You will laugh at the fact the two F.B.I agents Alonso and Quesada are named after editors working at Marvel and the sword maker Claremont is named after possibly the greatest X-Men writer of all time. You will feel smart knowing Kirby Plaza is a tribute to one of the truly great comic artists of all time. You will enjoy the Stan Lee cameo all the more. You will chuckle when the phrase 'break the internet in half is used.' You will feel like a geek and it will be fine.
5. Me and you can hang out and comic book geek it up!

So are you inspired? You should be? Here's some material you should hunt down or borrow off me.

Watchmen - The granddaddy of super-hero comics. A deconstruction and celebration of heroic archetypes as well as being a damn good story. It also uses the disaster in New York to unify a divided world thing way before the human bomb and even the horrible real life events of 9 / 11.
Y: The Last Man - BKV's epic saga of the last man on Earth in a world ruled by women. It has the same mix of mystery, action and intrigue as Heroes and a similarily likeable leading man in a cast of interesting characters.
Spider-Man: Blue - I've mentioned Loeb and Sale already. This is a truly moving story of a hero haunted by loss. It also has implied off panel sex scenes.
Scott Pilgrim - Crazy cool indie manga from Brian Lee O'Malley telling the story of wannabee rock star Scott Pilgrim and his attempts to live in a crazy world of Street Fighter 2 like battles with his weird but cool girlfriend's vicious ex-boyfriends.
Blankets - Craig Thompson's raw biography of growing up in a no where town. As gripping as any super-hero fare.

Thats a start. I'll put you on the right track if you want any more!


Tuesday, 19 June 2007

Godzilla v Mystery Box

Today I had a million dollar idea. A cardboard box that solves mysteries. Miss Haddycomb is mystery box's minder, she works as a maid at a hotel.

Excerpt from Mystery Box and The Case of The Golden Crab
By Steve Lawrence

Miss Haddycomb shared a knowing glance with Homeo Gonzalez. In the glint of his eye she couldn't help but recall the passionate and angry sex they had enjoyed just the night before.
''Mystery Box has discovered the culprit. The person who killed Humbert Dopeadrape and stole the Golden Crab. It was simple really, they were the only person with the means and motivation.''
On saying this Haddycomb reached into Mystery Box and retrieved an envelope. Slowly she broke the seal and pulled out a small piece of paper.
''The identity of the murderer is my humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps.''
She stood looking at the assembled crowd with a stern look on her face. A small giggle squirted out from behind Homeo's hand. This set off Dr Lotheryubb. Soon the whole room was in raptures. A look of confusion spread across Miss Haddycomb's rounded features until she suddenly realised what had just happened.
''Oh Mystery Box. You're so wacky!''
She reached inside and pulled out another envelope.
''The real murderer is Nurse Bangabout.''
The room continued to laugh as Bangabout was taken away by the police. She later died after receiving a lethal injection. The Golden Crab was returned to the museum and China was saved.

The End


Monday, 18 June 2007


I am currently suffering with a sore throat. I don't want to be melodramatic but at one point I was considering writing my will. Online of course. I don't think then it would be legal. Laws don't apply to the internet. So at the moment I havn't really eaten in the past two days and I'm smacked off my tits on Beechums. I think that if I was going to be truly addicted to any drug I'd like it to be some sort of all purpose cough syrup. It doesn't taste very nice but then again I guess neither does heroin. It's the warm feeling in my stomach I get afterward and I know it says non-drowsy but I was damn well drowsy today. I've not been ODing, don't get me into rehab yet (No no no). Though I imagine rehab could be a quite relaxing sort of holiday. I bet Pete Doherty doesn't even like smack, he just enjoys the breaks to Thailand and stuff. So yes, everyone drink Beechums, even if your not ill.

I have also recently come to a conclusion. You must have heard Rihanna - Umbrella by now. At first the song didn't really appeal to me. Now I believe it to be one of the most important pieces of art in human history. It works on a base level with the beautiful poetry of the lyrics and Rihanna's sexy gyrating. I mean I would get under her umbrella anytime. EH! EH! Wink! Wink! Nudge! Nudge! But I also think the song is some sort of prophecy. Check this for a coincidence, I only really began to appreciate the song this Saturday, just a couple of days after I was gifted a turtle umbrella. I say coincidence BUT I THINK NOT!!

Its sort of like a Da Vinci Code conspiracy and it's going to go global. Soon everyone will be getting umbrellas and then appreciating Rihanna and then maybe some sort of turtle race will rise up. HOLD-UP. Before any of you try and cash in on this I'm nearly finished the novel. It's called The Umbrella Turtle Rihanna Featuring Jay-Z Code. It stars a hunky young archaelogist called Steve who must along with his spunky cyborg sidekick Mountbot uncover the secrets of the aforementioned code before the turtle monsters. He has sex with Rihanna lots.



Tuesday, 12 June 2007

Shag The Honkie

So everyone on the planet (except Jonesy) has a Facebook account by now. What is on Facebook is pretty much gospel. If you're not friends on Facebook then you're just not friends. I don't know if you even count as an aquaintance if you're not someone's Facebook friend. Anyway this isn't an advert for Facebook. This is a confession... I'm worried.

Facebook has recently introduced third party applications. Things like favourite musicians, graffiti walls and even fortune cookies. This has had some people worrying it is turning into My Space or Bebo. I'm not worried about this, eventually all of these social networking sites were going to become sort of homogenised. Facebook will remain in my mind the market leader because of its sleek design and the fact these applications are largely optional. Things will be fine as long as people aren't allowed to be too 'original' and 'unique' with their page designs, turning them into the neon disco advert head fucks many people's My Space pages became. My worries are to do with the currency of information.

Now the CIA connection to Facebook is based on some very shakey evidence and lots of hearsay basically it is probably bullshit. However, the fact remains these pages contain lots of information. If someone or some company had control of all this information they could theoretically use it to take over the world! OR MAYBE THEY ALREADY HAVE!

On the other hand maybe the fact that all students love Family Guy or that I have a hard on for Wyclef Jean's 'Perfect Gentleman' might not be that much use to any evil dictatorship. Still, most importantly, Facebook is much better for stalking than MySpace ever was.

Biffy Clyro's new album 'Puzzle' is pretty darn amazing. Its probably their most accesible album and will certainly appeal to those who found them a little too heavy in the past (grow a pair). Every track is strong and worth a repeat listen. Today I bought Hellogoodybe's album 'Zombies! Aliens! Vampires! Dinosaurs!' This decision was largely based on the excellent title and the fact Amazon told me I would like it. I trust Amazon, they tell it like it is. I had heard the one song 'Here (In Your Arms)' and on first listen the rest seem to reach the same level of electro emo cool. Electremo. Brilliant new genre.

Finally, Copernicus is Polish. How did that happen?



Tuesday, 29 May 2007

Rice Rice Baby

I just had a bowl of Ricicles and it has got me thinking. Why do people ever buy Rice Krispies instead of Ricicles. What is the point? Maybe if they had a better toy but more often than not they have the same toy. Rice Krispies are just a boring and less tasty Ricicles. Also they have three weird dwarves on the box instead of a kick ass space ranger action hero. The only reason I can think of for buying Rice Krispies ahead of Ricicles is if someone has no taste buds and buys cereal on the basis of how it sounds. But then why not listen to a Chris De Burgh CD whilst having breakfast?

Next time you see me I might have less hair.

Whatever happened to OPM? You remember 'Heaven is a Halfpipe' and if your anything like me 'El Capitan'. Looking at their Wikipedia entry I don't think they're going to back in the mainstream any time soon. How sad.



Sunday, 27 May 2007

Brothels, Bricks and Religion

So the week of importance is over and now the month of not doing very much can begin. The exams went pretty darn good although the Champions League final obviously didn't. I really get a kick out of writing about William Blake under restricted time conditions. I also managed to write about incest in both exams, can any of you people doing science degrees say that? Can you? CAN YOU?

Cuba is good on a friday night. Lots of tasty Hip Hop / Rap and £1 bottles. Finally a real challenger in the Cartmel Soccer AM Dance Off has emerged. Bring it on Thommo.

Shipwrecked has been strung out for another week. So many mixed emotions. I want to know who wins, I want the Tigers to win but I don't want it to end. Lianne, Naomi, Francesca... all you ridiculously good looking girls in bikinis, I will miss you. SO MUCH. Maybe I will apply to be on in 2009. I hope its still going then. I think I'd be an excellent Shipwrecker. I tan amazingly (You've seen it) and I have survival skills that would make Ray Mears blush.

Last night we watched Children Of Men. Amazing film. The word I would use is relevant. Totally political to the max.

There is not much going on this week. I will most likely be sitting in the garden in my green chair. I have a spare if anyone wants to come catch some rays and discuss my interests.



Sunday, 20 May 2007

She's Screwed

After telling everyone not to listen to my betting tips I somehow managed to win the princely sum of eight pounds. What? With none of my scorers playing, nil-nil seemed the only sensible option. I think I'll convert it into Jersey pounds and buy a boat. Either that or the rights to Fergie's London Bridge so I can release my Wayne Bridge re-working of the song.

The new Cribs album is out tomorrow. Not that I've already listened to it loads of times (Wink Wink) but If I was you I would definitely go out and buy at least one copy. Maybe two.

Tomorrow marks the beginning of a massively important week. Two exams and a Champions League final. I'm not really feeling tense. If anything my mind is weighed down with other deeper thoughts. (Like what I would look like if I was a girl) Still, by Friday I will be ready to party on down. My reduced alcohol tolerance levels will probably result in said partying turning into quite the drunken farce. I look forward to it.

Jason X was on last night? Did you see it? Invincible serial killer-in space-in the future. I have the poster in our spare room at home. Also can you believe there were FIVE novelizations of this film. FIVE!!!

Does anyone want a semi African child for a week? We have one spare. If you like watching Shrek repeatedly then you're what we're looking for!



Saturday, 19 May 2007

I'm A Realist and I'm A Romantic

Kate Nash - Foundations on Jools Holland, she is the female Jamie T. Really good. We were watching for The Cribs though, WAKEFIELD. Did you know (This is true, apparently) that at one time the three Jarman brothers were responsible for Napkin production for the entire United Kingdom.

Mick Hucknall is a ginger twat. The Happy Mondays aren't very good either. They didn't make it onto Jools though.

FA Cup Final Tomorrow. Every prediction I have made so far has involved a player who is out due to injury. Do not listen to my betting tips. I'm going to go against the grain and suggest a Chelsea victory. Ergo they are doomed to defeat. Put some money on John O'Shea for the first goal.



Thursday, 17 May 2007

Dog Day

Craig from Hollyoaks has really been doing his utmost to distract people's attention from Jermain Pennant's absence with some of the worst acting that the program (with its distinguised history of terrible terrible acting) has ever seen. The sit up and stare after his man tangle was just masterful. The angry snarly bit after that was also mighty impressive, he was going for angry, I know it. Also this week Claire has gone abortion crazy. Her sheer enthusiasm with Louise has to make you wonder why she didn't get the coat hanger out herself.

I am really starting to enjoy living in the library. The Lusu shop is nearby to provide ice cream sustenance, I get to write sentences that make me feel real smart and I'm guaranteed to see Adam Hargreaves on his daily library constitutional.

Today has been a day for Taco related failure. I thought I had Tacos in the cupboard but they were just Nachos. I went to Spar to try and get some Tacos, I came back with Fajitas. The fajitas were good though.

The gypsys are leaving. Goodbye you blood sucking fiends.

In light of Jose Mourinho's arrest we have been dogafying footballer's names. Didier Dogba and John Terrier. To a lesser extent Steve Puppy (You remember Steve Guppy right!?) You got any better?



PS - If the photo is not the greatest thing you have ever seen then you have lived a far richer life than I.

Tuesday, 15 May 2007

Jermaine Pennant

Sonny Valentine the beloved Hollyoaks character played by beloved Liverpool winger Jermain Pennant has been fired from the show for his apparent lateness. It is truly a sad day for university students all over the land. Let's remember the good times; him and Justin with their wacky get rich quick schemes, his queer bashing and his most recent scenes of a sexual nature with the least attractive of the McQueen sisters. I just wish he could have had the send off he deserved. Going to Dorset is not an exciting way to leave a soap. They should have just said Warren killed him. Jermaine you will be missed.

The gypsies have arrived on Lancaster Campus Rugby Pitches. I shit you not.

Lots going on at the moment. Most of you have probably heard the mental Liberation Day story by now! Revision must take precedent.



Sunday, 6 May 2007

Jermaine has gone to Dorset

Yesterday was Free Comic Book Day. It was awesome. At my local comic shop (aka the stall in the market) Andy Diggle was talking and signing and not only did I get my hands on a copy of pretty much every official free comic book day comic I also got a number of copies of his Adam Strange and The Losers (FOR FREE!). So thank you Andy Diggle and a Happy belated Free Comic Book Day to all.

I am kind of a big deal. Well not really. But for some reason BBC Radio Jersey wanted to ask my opinions on Liberation Day. I talked about freedom and sacrifice and the importance of continuing to celebrate the day with BBQs and other fun things. At one point I was asked what I was up to at the moment, I replied sunbathing. She was asking about university. Anyway, I havn't actually heard the interview but if anyone did, what did you think? My grandparents liked it but then again they like Arsene Wenger so I'm not sure how much their opinion counts.

Lancaster Fried Chicken has arrived... and it's a hell of a lot better than Morecambe Fried Chicken. I sampled the delights last night and I would recommend you pay them a visit. That is unless your a vegetarian. Vegetarians are not allowed to eat fried chicken, so don't even try.

Several of the headline acts for Jersey Live have been announced... The Fratellis, DJ Format, Kasabian, The Enemy, The Rakes and The Alter Kicks included. Much more to come, get a ticket, get involved. Speaking of music my brother has turned me onto an incredible band called Birds of Wales. Download 'The Fine Art of Ballet Dancing' if the lyrics don't make you smile then you don't have a soul.

An exciting week has finished on Hollyoaks. Crazy Will getting his comeuppance, Jermaine Pennant getting laid and Darren agreeing to finance a space rocket. Coming up this week... Gilly develops psychic powers with wacky results, Calvin starts a sanctuary for stray cats and Darren wears some truly ridiculous hats. I'm excited, are you?



Friday, 4 May 2007

With Great Power...

Wow. Just wow. Emo Spider-Man rules.



Sunday, 29 April 2007

He's Got A Killer Body

Zach Braff says it's OK to like Avril Lavigne - Girlfriend!
And if it's OK by Zach then it's OK by me.

And because the Busted version of Year 3000 was too raunchy
Absolutely unbelievable. 'Your great great great grandaughter is doing fine.' Why would you go to the future to check up on someone's great great great grandaughter? You would go to bone her like Busted did. I guess this version does avoid many of the tricky incestual issues raised by the Busted song. Sadly (according to Wikipedia) The Jonas Brothers are without a record label. Anybody want to sign them up?

The Jonas Brothers do not rule. Who does rule?? ROY RULES
If me and Roy did hook up it would be a 24-7 / 69!

Speaking of 24-7 / 69 Machines last night was Dave's birthday and Jenny's birthday celebration. We got our drink on and our gamble on and our dance on. A good night indeed. It even ended in a food fight on the streets of Lancaster. Onion bhajis are good weapons in a food fight as Phil proved.

Today the mighty Cartmel Flames take on Total Football Football Club (aka Cartmel D Team). It may be a friendly but there won't be anything remotely friendly about it. Well, except maybe some friendly banter.

Dave also received Singstar Rocks for his birthday. This house is about to get a whole lot noisier!



Wednesday, 25 April 2007

Lose Yourself

Yo DJ spin that shit.

I'm already feeling a little bit sick in anticipation of tomorrow's game. AAAH.

I am currently watching 8 Mile. I forgot how much I liked this film! Fuck the free world. Also thanks to Andrew Tate I picked up on the Frederick Douglass reference. Knowing is half the (rap) battle.

In American Lit related news I got my first first today. Hurray.

Once again, fuck the free world.



Monday, 23 April 2007

Great Scott

I hear Eric Bana and Rachel McAdams have been cast as the leads in the film version of The Time Traveller's Wife. Rachel McAdams is super fine and if the film stays true to the novel there should be a number of sex scenes. There will also probably lots of nude Eric Bana and unlike the Hulk he won't have purple pants to cover his junk. The film isn't coming out for a while so I think you should read the book. Go on. You can come and see it with me and we can be all like 'it was good but it lacked the emotional sincerity of the novel.' You know you want to. PS - If it looks like I'm crying, I'm not, there's something in my eye.

The fact that I've mentioned Rachel McAdams means I can feel justified in linking to this.
'I love those cupcakes like McAdams loves Gosling.'

Also I'm back in Lancaster now so pop round. We can get fucked up on energy drinks and choreograph a dance in honour of the moon gods.



Friday, 20 April 2007

Drugs Kill

Last night Tannas, Matt and I met London's worst MC. I don't really know what he was doing in Liberation Square at 2 in the morning but he proved his ineptitude several times over by not being able to rhyme anything. Literally he would say a line, stall and then make some sort of noise. Eventually we escaped. In related news my credibility took another blow as me and Foxy nailed Blazin Squad - Crossroads on karaoke. I don't know why they needed twelve of them.

Tonight Shane, Tannas and I watched Return Of The Living Dead 5: Rave From The Grave on his super sweet TV. For a movie with no story, special effects, character development and a complete absence of anything even close to logic it was actually kind of entertaining. It also has a very very clear anti-drugs message. If you take drugs you will turn into a zombie and then be destroyed by missiles. Oh and don't worry if you havn't seen the first four, even if you had I don't think you'd completely understand what's going on. I don't even think the people who made it know. (Also look for the fat balding middle aged man in the high school football team)



Wednesday, 18 April 2007

Sunrise, Sunset

I just finished watching a strange but quite amazing movie. Before Sunset, the sequel to Before Sunrise, is basically a film in which two people walk around Paris talking about life, relationships and romance. There's no major plot but it seems incredibly honest. The sort of feelings I think I might have if I was 30.

On the other end of the entertainment spectrum this month's 4-4-2 has an article about professional football slash fiction. The article references a story about David Beckham, Gary Neville and a puppy which when kissed turns into Alan Smith. Gary must then of course have sex with Alan Smith to stop him reverting to puppy form. Here is a nice article which delves into the phenomenon in a little more detail.,4284,1667517,00.html. Apparently Gary and Alan are a rather 'vogueish' couple.



Tuesday, 17 April 2007

And the award for subtlest set dressing goes to...

Just in case you havn't noticed all the man kissing; the people at Hollyoaks have now replaced some of the football posters in Jean Paul's room with a massive Brokeback Mountain poster. Yes that's right, he is gay. Keep up the good work.



Sunday, 15 April 2007

I wandered lonely as a squirrel

I just watched my first episode of 24. I don't really know exactly what was going on but it was brilliant. Everyone seemed to be making decisions and ultimatums, very exciting. I think I liked it because the storytelling was very similar to the comic book style with the cliffhangers and different plots tying into the larger story arc. It very much reminded me of Brubacker's current run on Captain America. Anyway I'm sure Jack Bauer will save us from those dirty spanish terrorists.

The first song off the Spider-Man 3 soundtrack has been released with a video. It's by Snow Patrol and called Signal Fire. The song is great and the video is just incredible. I would like to be a teacher just so I can force kids to recreate it. Check it out

I'm sure if you have studied English at university level you have encountered Wordsworth's 'Daffodils'. Even if you havn't studied English you'll probably know it. Now if you're anything like me, when you heard the poem you said to yourself 'if any poem could do with a re-working by a rapping squirrel then it is this poem.' I think Double W would be really proud.



Page 3 Shocker

There's nothing quite like drinking with your parents. Especially when they're paying and they're on the tequila. Neither of them are in the best shape today.

In related news yesterday my Dad was on page 3 of the Jersey Evening Post. He wasn't going topless (Although he's not a fan of shirts). No it was about him auctioning off his parking space and cycling to work for three months. Yes, that made page 3. Sometimes the island can be a very quiet place.



Saturday, 14 April 2007

Ants! Terrifying yet tiny Ants!

I was having a wonderful dream last night. Well, about as wonderful a dream can get without it being a sex dream. I was playing Pro Evo, I was happy. Then I was woken up by my brother shouting because there were ants in his bed. Stupid ants. Stupid shouting brother.

Also no luck on the grand national. You shouldn't bet on horses because their names sound like camping holidays. Oh well, there's always next year.



Can a house ever give consent?

'This is sort of like a moral decision but not really because no one will ever find out.'

Good episode. I await the rest of the series with anticipation, the credits suggest more Super Hans, Johnson and Nancy coming back. Hurrah.

I also watched History Boys tonight. It was ok, some nice stuff. It's just Alan Bennett's script. I know it's from the stage but it still had a bit too much of a theatrical element to it. The emotional aspect just came across as slightly insincere to me. (I am quite happy with how pretentious that last sentence sounded.)


Thursday, 12 April 2007


Long Island Iced Tea --> Barenaked Ladies - One Week on Karaoke --> 4 Chicago Dollars (Conversion rate of 1 Chicago Dollar = 1 English Pound) --> 2 Tequilas --> Foam Party --> ???
One Week wasn't actually as hard to do as I thought it would be although Barenaked Ladies do make up quite a significant portion of my musical diet. I was also very impressed with the number of times Avril Lavigne's Girlfriend was played last night. It followed us everywhere. Also it seems it is more socially acceptable to like it than I thought.

And this
And this

Jose's t-shirt is not an ironic slogan t-shirt, he was actually soliciting donations on a night out. I wouldn't give him money if I was you. He'll just spend it on tacos or burritos or maybe tequila. Also prizes for anyone who can name the random mandems.

Awesome night.



Wednesday, 11 April 2007

Going Postal

Welcome to the Fortress...

Let's think about movies. There are good movies and bad movies and then there is Uwe Boll.

In the less than stellar field of movies based on computer games he has somehow managed to hit new lows. To be honest I can't think of any good movies based on video games, The Resident Evil films were passable and Mortal Kombat was entertaining (see picture!) but still. Anyway I'm not going to complain about Uwe Boll's past output. There have been petitions to stop him making films. He also had a boxing match against one of his critics. No I'm here to alert people to the next disaster. Uwe Boll is making a film of Postal.

Anyone else remember Postal? We had it a couple of years ago. It was crass and violent but sort of entertaining. It was just about some guy who goes mental and shoots lots of things. It was sort of like how people complain about Grand Theft Auto having never played it imagine it might be except with worse gameplay. Anyway, it isn't really the type of game that calls out for a movie, certainly not one made by Uwe Boll. I mean it doesn't even have a story. Here's the trailer.

It seems as if they are just making the most offensive movie possible. The intro alone mocks the 9/11 plane crashes. All I'm hoping is that the controversy this movie will inevitably stir up doesn't actually help it make money and mean we get more of these terrible movies that are so bad they go beyond so bad they're good and are actually just really bad. Oh and if you want to make a computer game movie someone please make a CGI Mario!

If you want to see a really good movie go and seek out Stranger Than Fiction. A truly original concept beautifully executed with a great cast. What more could you ask for? Oh and if your a student of English Literature you'll probably cream yourself. There's some good borderline pretentious stuff in there.