Thursday, 31 July 2008

No Fat Chicks?

Jersey has been in the news over the past couple of days and for once it's nothing to do with child abuse. No this time it's still about abuse but abuse of a far more serious kind... Abuse of fat people. If you haven't heard about it yet, check the story out here->

Jersey Club Tells Fat Women To Go Home

Up to date now? Good, let's continue. After initially defending his decision and then backpeddling and apologising club owner Martin Sayers now claims his judgement was clouded by his emotion over members of his friends and family he has lost to obesity related problems... It's all so clear now, Martin isn't some sort of discriminator, he is a crusader. Some might call him a hero. His story is the stuff Hollywood legend is made of, his story is Oscar worthy, his story has given me an idea...

COMING 2009...

''Why Mummy why? Why won't you stop eating?''

''I love you Helen but you're eating yourself into an early grave!''

''Mr Sayers. I'm sorry but your Dog has Diabeties.''



''Go and lose some weight before you can come in – fat people are bad for business.''

''But we just want to drink and dance and have some fun.''




So whaddya think? Rejected titles include 'Are you Havana Laugh?' and 'Sayers Ain't So'. I was thinking of casting Vin Diesel as Martin Sayers and Kate Winslet as love interest and rival Helen Hunter. Also I'm pretty sure Eddie Murphy will insist on putting on his fat suit and playing all the fat people in the film as soon as he gets wind of this. A guaranteed Box Office Hit, I've always thought Vin deserved a statue.



PS - The Fortress of Steveitude does not discriminate based on appearance... We do however discriminate based on personality.

Wednesday, 30 July 2008

Uncover the Dragon?

Exciting news! After a year travelling Spain and discovering his roots Jose Antonio Golfball Franco is returning to Jersey. Even more excitingly this very blog has won the exclusive rights to reprint extracts of the journal Jose kept of his adventures. Translated from whatever the hell language Jose has written them in and with spelling and grammar mistakes corrected they are not available in bookstores. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you...

Los Spectacularios Adventurios de Jose

Part 1 - On Arriving in these strange and distant lands

Dear Diary,
How are you? I am fine thanks. Today I arrived in Spain. Already all the people seem really nice. In fact one man on the train was almost too nice if you know what I mean. I wonder if I will lose my flower whilst I am on this exciting and exotic adventure, whatever happens I don't want to lose it to a guy like that. I didn't get round to sorting out any type of accommodation for my trip so tonight I am sleeping on the floor of a kind and gentle old washer maidens humble home. She keeps shouting things at me but to be honest my Spanish isn't that great. I would say she is a 3/10, you know, maybe If I was drunk. I am very tired and I am going to sleep now dear diary. The howls of the wild street wolves lure me into slumber land. Speak to you soon,

Wow, cracking insight and thoughtful and provocative prose. El Bookerio Prize here we come.

On a different note, has anyone seen Sisqo lately? Nic and I were listening to him on the radio and seriously its been years!! If you're reading this Sisq give me a call or an e-mail or something.



Sunday, 13 July 2008


I've been saving this one for graduation week but its been playing on my mind for a while now. Being at home for a week I have probably been asked some form of the question 'what are you doing now?' about a million times. I've joked about launching my own fragrance but like any joke I make this is tinged with a real sadness and confusion (Eddie Murphy?!). I don't know whats next, who does? (Seriously if you know put me in contact with them) For the moment I am getting my magic uni scroll thing (that thing you get for graduating) and then heading home for a while. I may only have a vague sense of direction but that doesn't mean Uni hasn't taught me anything, heck no...

You remember that Baz Luhrmann song? It was number one. The guy reading the graduation speech over a repetitive beat. He was really really keen that people wear sunscreen. So keen that looking back now I imagine he was probably being paid lots of money by a sunscreen company. He said stuff like 'dance like nobody is watching' bullshit like that. You can listen to it here

Anyway, lots of the stuff he says is crap. Here's some real stuff I learnt at University. If you want to beat box a little beat in the background that's cool by me.

- Take an hour a day to listen to the Lighthouse Family 'Lifted' on repeat.
- Sitting in the library with a broadsheet newspaper will make you feel smarter even if you're just doing the Sudoku.
- By and large Eddie Murphy movies are offensively bad. Also 4th or 5th sequels are just not worth watching.
- Though combining your favourite desserts into one super dessert is lots of fun the amount of sugar you consume is quite overpowering.
- Dance like everyone is looking at you and judging you, the pressure will make you dance better.
- Getting hammered and going to an all you can eat Chinese buffet will almost inevitably lead to you standing on a chair singing the American Pie soundtrack.
- Get off the bus when you're supposed to.
- Sometimes people will claim your impressions and accents are confusing and even shit, you should ignore them and persevere anyway.
- If someone shows you a porno and tells you there's a really good twist coming up then it's probably going to turn out that the chick is totally a dude.
- LURPS are hilarious.
- There is no real cure for a hangover. There are things to put one off but no cure. I recommend freshly squeezed tropical fruit juices I never have freshly squeezed tropical fruit juices.
-You cannot order a Dominos without spending up to an hour working out the best formula for cheapest pizza per person.
- Taking a nap is fine, it allows you to recharge your batteries and stay awake and be productive to later hours.
- Write what you know. If you haven't been raped don't write about it in excruciating detail. Especially if you're a dude.
- Food fights are funniest in other people's kitchens.
- Late night takeaway greasy chicken is 99% absolutely rank. My advise, eat it whilst you're still drunk. It won't look good in the morning.
- Grow a beard. You might never get a chance to do it again. Also when you shave you can cut it into funny shapes. Like the fabled question mark beard.
- Finally you will be unhappy, make mistakes and have regrets. Those people who say they have no regrets are either liars or just plain don't have a conscience. What you have to do is just stay positive and looking back the good times will outweigh the bad. You dig?



Saturday, 12 July 2008


Definitely, Maybe is a really really good movie. Yes it may have hearts all over the box and totally look like the gayest chick flick going but let me tell you, it definitely isn't. The thing is I think it was just badly marketed. I don't want to tell those guys how to do their jobs but they sold it as a rom com with a real emphasis on the rom when there is actually lots of com. Not only that, its unique and quirky functioning as a sort of love mystery rather than going down that Hugh Grant path, you know, the one hes been down so many many many times. Finally... Ryan Reynolds. How do I say this without sounding gay... I love Ryan Reynolds. He's so likeable. Van Wilder, Smokin Aces, Two Guys & A Girl, Just Friends (Another really underrated movie) - likeable. I mean I think that if me and Ryan Reynolds hung out together we'd have a great time. Just having a beer, playing some X-Box, maybe shooting some pool. Don't tell me you wouldn't want to hang out with Ryan Reynolds. Also he might not be a total comic book geek but he was Hannibal King in Blade 3, attached to The Flash and in one of the best pieces of casting ever he is going to be Deadpool in the Wolverine spin-off. You'd think maybe he read a comic when he was researching one of these parts and he seems to know who Wade Wilson is!
So yeah, go watch it. Because the more of you who watch it and like it the more acceptable it is for me to like it!

I gave the new comedy Trexx and Flipside a watch on BBC 3 because it also star Rich Fuller (Bob Fossil in The Boosh). Don't make the same mistake I did. It seems to be trying to be a British rap version of Flight of the Conchords and it fails pretty darn miserably. It was the first episode so maybe things will get better but then again they probably won't!



Thursday, 10 July 2008

In An Opera House Not That Far Away...

The One Man Star Wars Trilogy is awesome. One guy in a black boiler suit acting out the original trilogy with nothing but the aid of some creative lighting and his genius. I think you can check out some videos and stuff here. He also does Lord Of The Rings.

Let's just all be thankful there's no sex scenes in Star Wars. A man masturbating on stage alone would probably be more creepy than entertaining. It also means the show wouldn't be suitable for kids and there would probably have to be a 'Splash Zone' marked out. You know what I mean, the first three rows will get wet. Still even if you were going to get some dudes spunk in your face it'd still be preferable to watching 'The Chronicles of Riddick' again.



Sunday, 6 July 2008


I have had my eyes opened. On my Facebook feed I saw a group and from this group I found this...
What's that you say, 'Hey Steve I'm a busy person and I don't have time to watch some crazy film.' Well friend, neither do I. Luckily though the site sort of details what is in the film. On the statement page it says that the film wants to show people,
'very often things are not what the population at large think they are'
WHAT?!?! WHAT!?! How can this be true? The population at large is like loads of people, could they all be wrong? I better investigate what this is about further.

Part 1 - Religions are wrong. Christianity is a way of controlling people.
Or 'The religious myth is the most powerful device ever created, and serves as the psychological soil upon which other myths can flourish.' Ah so religion is the reason people believe the myths that you eat like thousands of spiders in your sleep and that you only use 10% of your brain. No, no it's more than that, religion is a thing people can twist to justify taking power. Wowza what a controversial theme! I can't believe no one has made a film using these themes before. Still, maybe this film will empower people to loosen the stranglehold religion has over our everyday lives... Oh wait one second. Let me just check my watch. Shit it's not hundreds of years ago and religion doesn't control my life. Oh well, still, a point well made Zeitgeist.

Part 2 - The 9/11 Conspiracy
If you know me then you know there's nothing I enjoy more than debating 9/11 conspiracy theories. Well, maybe televised snooker and the movies of Eddie Murphy but nothing else. I especially like it when they are put across in long rambling diatribes describing clips seen on the internet and devil faces seen in clouds of smoke. From the Q&A section it seems that the film goes along the lines that George W and the government caused the towers to go down for some reason. But please don't just stop there. Venture forth onto the internet and get caught up in the rich tapestry of amateur journalism. You might even find our old friend R.Kelly had something to do with it (Oh how I wish I was joking). Just be careful, the government don't want you to know these truths!

Part 3 - Taxes and why you don't have to pay them
Now what was I saying about myths... Sorry I lost my train of thought. Yes, TAXES! And why you my fellow American (Oh shit this doesn't really apply to me) don't have to pay them. Can you believe that? Why isn't everyone doing it. You could probably buy a horse or something with the money you're going to save.

It's all interesting stuff. It makes me wish I had two hours of my life to surrender but alas I am busy with ummm projects. If any of you do watch it could you maybe fill me in on what goes on. It says it took a years (A WHOLE FRICKIN YEAR!) worth of research and contains information a simple keyword search will not find. I am curious as to what this may be.

Just remember blogateers 'truth is not told, it is realized.'



PS: For two actually worthy treatments of 9/11 try Jonathan Safran Foer's novel 'Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close' or the film 'United 93'.