Thursday, 25 December 2008

R.Kelly's A Christmas Carol

I promised prose and here is prose.

R.Kelly's A Christmas Carol
By Steve Lawrence

As was their Christmas Eve tradition R.Kelly and Usher sat in R's Aviary sipping at expensive cognac and admiring the colourful plumage of the various exotic birds circling their heads.
'Yo Ush.'
'What up Kells?'
'I bought you this present. Think you'll really like this present.'
Kells handed his friend a gift which he quickly unwrapped. A smile danced its way onto his face.
'Wow Kells, a bottle of 'Scent of Usher'. '
'Playa I saw it and I thought of you.'
'Well I guess you would... Here, Christmas spirit back at you.'
Kells' gift was in a large box. He opened it and looked quizzically at the object sitting in front of him.
'What as it?'
'It's a life-like latex vagina. With all the trouble you've been getting into this year with the ladies I thought a meat hole you could pound without any fear of reprisal might be just the ticket.'
'Thanks playa. Mind if I take it for a test run?'
The bell rang before R could insert himself into the plastic love tunnel in what might turn out to be quite an awkward situation. Instead he went to answer the door.

Standing on the doorstep of R's Million dollar mansion was a group of carol singers wrapped up in their warmest clothes and holding candles burning in the night.
'Greetings crackers.'
'Good evening Mr. Kelly. Might we sing a song for you?' Enquired one cheeky cockney scamp.
'Why of course young oppressor.'
The choir prepared themselves, Kells stood waiting expectantly. There was nothing.
'I thought you said you were going to sing?'
'Well we want to Mr Kelly but it's just that we don't have any songs.' Said Grant, a bespectacled man who worked in a Zoo.
'There are plenty of songs.' Said his boyfriend Phil.
'But they're all terrible.' Added Melvin the Magician who stood at the back of the crowd playing with his magic wand.
'Would you write us a song Mr Kelly sir?' Asked the cheeky cockney scamp.
'You can't ask Mr Kelly that. He's probably busy celebrating Christmas with his extended Hip Hop family.' Snapped Phil.
'Hold on white-bread. Maybe I can do something for you. But you're going to have to help me.'

So R invited his new friends into his home recording studio and they got to work on a song. Usher brought the A-Town funk and Kelly brought his songwriting genius, in a matter of hours they had put together a song to put all other carols to shame. The ghost of John Lennon who of course lived with R after he had won him at auction said 'That was much better than any of the shit I ever wrote.' But R still felt there was something missing,
'I think there's something missing Ush.'
'For real dawg?'
'This is clearly the best Christmas song ever but I think it's missing the R factor.'
'You're right, we want this to stand up against even the best chapters of Trapped In The Closet. But what can we do?'
R pulled out his two-way and dialed a couple of numbers. Soon the doorbell rang again. It was Akon and Lil Jon and Lil Wayne all ready to help R with his Christmas dream.
'Yo playa this shit is fucking grinding like a stripper at happy hour.' Said Lil Jon whilst taking a sip of egg nog from his jewel encrusted goblet.
'Affirmative.' Beeped Lil Wayne in his robotic voice.
'I don't know how you could hope to improve it R old chap.' Said Akon who was actually very posh.
'What about crunk?' Enquired Lil Jon.
'What do you mean?' Asked R.
'Well do you have any of that with you?'
'Sorry my nizzle but I used it all up crunking with some biyatches last night in Vegas.'
'What about you Lil Wayne?'
'Sorry old bean but I too am fresh out.'
It looked like it was back to the drawing board for R when suddenly the door-bell rang for a third time. Kells was shocked to find Chris De Burgh standing on his doorstep.
'Good evening young man.' Said the legendarily smooth singer songwriter. 'My car has broken down outside. Do you have a phone I could use?'
'Your Chris De Burgh!' Said R excitedly who was a huge fan of Lady In Red and had used it many times to help him seduce girls who were definitely over the age of consent or at least told him that.
'This might sound strange Mr De Burgh but do you happen to have any crunk with you?'
'Well as you ask I actually have a great deal of crunk in my trunk. You'll have to help me sort the junk in my trunk to get to the crunk but I'm sure I do have crunk in my trunk.'
R smiled a smile as wide as a really big booty.

With Chris De Burgh's help R finished the song. A good thing too, it was 11.30pm and only half an hour till Christmas Day.
'Thank you for writing this Hip Hop / RnB mash up for us to sing on our carols Mr Kelly, but it isn't fair that only the people of this fine street get to hear it.' Said the cockney child fighting back the effects of chimney sweep's lung.
R agreed with the child. It was the best Christmas song ever and he felt that in this time of financial turmoil the whole world needed to hear it.
'I have an idea.' Chirped up Akon. 'Earlier this year I was doing community service working in a factory for a man who might be able to help you with distribution.'

R and his friends sat in the parlor waiting for Akon's friend to arrive. Lil Jon regaled them with tales of the skanky prostitutes he had slept with the night before when... BELLS!
'SANTA!!' Screamed Lil Jon who was excited like a little girl.
It was five to twelve, not a moment too soon. Everyone rushed to their feet ready to greet the bearded one himself, everyone except R. He slipped out the room and headed to his bedroom.

'Yo Kells.'
'What up Ush?'
'You should come and see Santa's here, you won't believe it Santa's here.'
'I'm not coming.'
'But why Kells? This is your song.'
Kells looked down at the ground.
'I can't... I think I'm on the naughty list.'
'No... No, you can't be. Playa, you're my hero. You're that star up in the sky, you're that mountain peak up high. You're the world's greatest.'
'Not anymore. Do you know that this year I gave less money to charity than last year? Look at Angelina Jolie, she's a real role model. I didn't adopt a single kid.'
'Don't talk like this Kells, she's a ho.'
'No Ush. You should go duet with her, I bet she has a husky and soulful singing voice.'
'Come on Kells. You've had a tough year and lawyers are expensive.'
Kells just looked away. Just then there was a knock at the door, it was Santa.
'Hello User, Hello R.'
'Yo Claus.'
'This is for you.'
Santa handed R a gift.
'So I've been a good boy?'
'Not necessarily. What you have to remember R is that you're a celebrity. You're better than a regular person. It doesn't matter if you're bad or good all we expect is that your behaviour is outlandish.'
'Wow thanks Santa. You've taught me the true meaning of Christmas.'
'Open it now, I think you'll like it.'
R unwrapped the gift to find another latex vagina.
'Did you keep the receipt?'
The three laughed heartily for a full minute.
'I'm sorry I can't stay for longer but I have to deliver your song to the world!'
'Thanks Santa!'

So Santa delivered the song to the world and it was universally agreed that it was the best Christmas song ever. Jesus even took the time to thank R and his friends personally in his annual Christmas message. Even more excitingly the song featured in the background of the 'Two Pints of Lager & A Packet of Crisps vs Gavin & Stacey Live Christmas Special'.

Back at Kells' house R and all his friends sat around playing games and exchanging gifts. As the day progressed they all got a little drunk and started taking turns on the latex vaginas. Everyone was happy that R now had two of them because it meant they didn't have to wait very long for their turn. Everyone except the ghost of John Lennon that is because he was a ghost and therefore couldn't have sex with the latex vagina.




Sunday, 21 December 2008

Tut Tut

There have been some crazy rumours going on surrounding the new Batman film. Most of these are blatantly false and just seem to exist to boost viewing figures for the sites that post them. Well, not wanting to be one to miss a trick here are my 'top three totally hot almost definitely true but maybe not true rumours for the third of Nolan's Batman films'-

1. The film will feature not one, not two but three Robins. They will all be played by Zac Effron with CGI playing a major part in distinguishing them.
2. The main villain of the piece will be King Tut from the old 60s TV show and the plot will revolve around a wacky time travel adventure (This is what brings in the three Robins). Could Batman be The Joker's father???
3. Michael Caine will sing the theme tune. A song he penned on the set of The Dark Knight simply called 'At The Bat'.

In other news my hours of campaigning seemingly hasn't paid off and 'Jizz In My Pants' didn't make it to number one. Maybe next year I'll write my own Christmas song. It is fast approaching Christmas now and that means you have my semi-legendary Christmas blog to look forward to. This year I'm writing prose and no it isn't a Detective Facebook Christmas special.

Check out on the right now and you can see what I'm doing and thinking and stuff through the magic of Twitter. It's Arsene 'Voyeur' Wenger's dream come to life.



Monday, 15 December 2008

The Jizzness

On second thoughts maybe this should be Christmas number one...



Sunday, 14 December 2008

The X-Facts Of Life

There are many Facebook groups that annoy me. People getting on their high horses (I don't like horses either) and campaigning for various shit that not THAT many people actually care about. Lazy Jersey journalists have recently taken to noting the number of Facebook groups associated to a various topic in their articles as if that actually means something.

One that has really rattled my bird cage is a group campaigning for people to download Jeff Buckley's 'Hallelujah' as a protest against the X-Factor winner covering the song for their first single. Don't get me wrong, I love Buckley's song, it's one of my favourite songs of all time. It's just a really badly thought out protest. I'm not sure if these people realise but Buckley's version was also a cover. They should be downloading Leonard Cohen. Furthermore, the reasons they give for their protest are all about X-Factor commercializing music choosing to make money rather than support real artists. Well, *newsflash* guys but someone involved with the artistically superior original would have had to give permission to release the song. If we want to support originality and artistic integrity then there's only one thing we can do...

Download R.Kelly's 'Trapped In The Closet Part 1' for the Christmas number one. Say what you want about Kells but he doesn't give two fucks about what the rest of the world thinks. He might be a complete psycho but he does things on his own terms. Maybe he could even do a special Christmas version?

Anyway, why do people even care about the Christmas number one? It's not like singles sales are even relevant these days. Sales at all shouldn't really matter. Barenaked Ladies are the best band on the planet and they haven't been in the UK charts for years.



Wednesday, 10 December 2008

Back To The Future: Ghosts of Christmas Past

In my recent Gallery column I bemoaned the lack of new Christmas movies. Here is exclusive proof that Doc Brown is back to remedy the situation with a new Christmas themed Back To The Future movie!

'Great Scott Rudolph! If I don't get this float up to 84 miles per hour we won't be able to make it back and save the baby Jesus McFly from the evil King Biff.'

Rumours of Jesus and the Virgin Mary making out appear to be awesome but unfounded.

Also I am on Twitter now and my id is steveolawrence. Follow me!



Sunday, 7 December 2008

Nixon Gets Loose

It's an update which means I must have something to shill!! Yes another issue of Gallery is out and this month I'm rambling about Christmas movies, serial killers and making outlandish claims about Kevin Bacon's role in Frost/Nixon. I also take it hard to Batman & Robin with the kind of angry rant only a comic book fan could write. For those not lucky enough to live in Jersey it is available online at and is on page 62 I think.

Thanks to all who have read the issues so far and told me how much you enjoyed them. Your compliments feed my massive ego and keep me cranking out the words. Gallery has a month off in January but returns in February with Dodgeball action and extra mega sized Team Cobra action!?!

Finally, what is it with people voting for fat faced children? Einogh from X-Factor you don't murder Busted (not literally) in front of millions of people and escape my scorn! Worse than him though is 21 year old Jersey deputy elect Jeremy Macon who ran under the pretenses of being a voice for Jersey's youth and then once elected allowed his Mother to answer his e-mails and debate policy. She then revealed that their family had decided that he should run instead of her because he was a better speaker. That doesn't make things OK, people did not vote for the Macon family (YOU ARE NOT THE KENNEDYS!) It's like Obama after election allowing a bitter old Republican to represent him. In conclusion, Jeremy Macon you are a massive tool and a ridiculous fraud. I want my vote back (even though you didn't win that one)