Wednesday, 13 October 2010

Steve vs The Coalition: Tuition Fee Caps

There's quite a furore over the Conservative-Lib Dem coalition's plan to basically skull fuck students even more by raising the cost of higher education. My extremely attractive friend and former porn mogul Phil Scullion dives into the issue with the same amount of gusto as he normally reserves for diving between a girl's legs (He's a giver). It's actually a well thought out reasoned argument which I find surprising as I thought Phil was just a pretty face. Check it out here.

Now if you expect that level of reasoned debate here then you're obviously new. Welcome. Instead I present to you...

Three Ways to Make Savings Within Higher Education Without Raising the Cost of Going

1. University Jumpers
Everyone buys one of these. A jumper with the name of the uni on it. I didn't even really want one but I still ended up shelling out thirty odd quid for one. Unis need to take advantage of student's inability to resist a knitted garment with the name of the place they are currently at on it. Don't charge £37 charge £4000. People would still buy them. Shit I'd probably buy one and technically I'm an international student.

2. Late Essay Charges
Back in my day being late on an essay resulted in a 10% deduction if within a week of the due date or a big fat zero outside of that. Fuck that. Why not charge people for lateness like an overdue library book. £10 for every day overdue with a 1% deduction per day or £20 per day with no deduction. You could even buy the lateness in chunks for when you're planning some kind of crazy binge around deadline time. It'll also help raise educational standards as cheap students won't want to pay money for something as trivial as an essay.

3. Mugging Students
Instead of figuratively mugging students the government could train a team of ninja bad asses to do it literally. Walking home pissed with a kebab on a night out - you better watch out buddy because the government ninjas are lurking in the shadows! You got drunk and left the window to the kitchen open - well you're shit out of luck because government ninjas have stolen your food and sold it to fund your education. This has the secondary effect of reducing traffic cone theft.

BONUS WAY! - Ralf Little
Ralf Little and a gaggle of former Hollyoaks actors are always hanging around Unis doing shit all but still getting paid money for it. Why not give them important sounding titles and government jobs and send them on a non-stop tour of nightclubs raising the cash needed to reduce the deficit? Only out of work actors and Ralf Little can stop a double dip recession!

On the topic of the government why do they call themselves a coalition? That's totally evil sounding. If they wanted to be cool they would refer to themselves as The Rebel Alliance. What a bunch of tools.



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