AVPVSTE: Again

This week I have been all about watching movies. I have seen some excellent ones... Eagle vs Shark is a delightfully quirky comic treat, Hot Rod is destined to find an audience as the new Anchorman (It has my heroes The Lonely Island Boys starring) and Superbad is just awesome, I think I've been over how much I worship at the alter of Judd Apatow / Seth Rogen / Michael Cera. I have also seen a terrible movie, Alien vs Predator: Requiem. Now I could probably write a whole fucking thesis on the problems with this thing. I could try and write you a review but I don't think I have time to scratch the surface. Citing Wikipedia...

'Primary criticisms included a weak script (particularly the human storyline), too many homages to the previous films, cardboard characters, terrible pacing, its gratuitous scenes involving pregnant women's and children's deaths, and the unintelligible fight sequences between the Predator, the Aliens and the Predalien (the last being attributed to poor lighting).'

That isn't even mentioning the clearly tacked on irrelevant and confusing sequel baiting ending. Don't ask me what the fuck was going on there. You could ask those responsible but I doubt even they now. It's probably improv. The sad thing is I actually liked it better than the first one.

CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED!

If you want something good involving Alien and Predator hed to this here comic where Alien and Predator are comically mismatched roommates. I must warn you, Hi-jinks ensue!!!

Alien Loves Predator

Peace

Steve

Partnering Up.com

This may shock you but I don't actually make any money from this blog. That's right, I toil away for hours crafting these words into truth bombs fit for your consumption and no one gives me any cash monies. WELL NOT ANYMORE! No, I'm not going to start charging you fine people (Though if you see me on the street and want to give me cash I'm not going to object), instead I have though outside the box. I have rented out the blog. It works thusly, a Company gives me money and they get a whole post to do whatever they want with literally reaching the tens of people who read my blog every day. Amazing huh? Now not only do you get to read my sharp and witty insight but you also get to hear about products and services you might like. The first company is a dating website called Partnering Up.com. They have chosen to present a sample profile and hey if you want some of this guy then get involved.....

Partnering Up Personal Ad

Nubile young Mexican currently residing in Spain seeks special companion (preferebly female but I'm not that picky) for hot sex maybe more? Must have low self esteem and interest in go-karting, napping, watching Coronation Street without a shirt on, funny noises, water sports (the sex thing) and romantic walks through industrial estates. STD testing required (I have thrush). NO UGOS!

Wow, he sounds like a winner, I hope he has his 'beating them off with a stick' stick handing.

Peace

Steve

Swanky

Essay writing out the way, now I can get back to the writing where the money is!

'P.S I Love You'

Not a film I have seen. One of the advantages of being single is that you don't get dragged to terrible chick flicks. Luckily my housemate Paul is not single and he was able to give me the run down... He did not like what he saw. Rotten Tomatoes gives it a Freshness rating of 20%. I think my favourite review is from the L.A Times

'You could go see P.S. I Love You, or you could hit yourself on the head with a meat mallet.'

I'm not even sure what a meat mallet is!

Anyway, why am I writing about a film I haven't seen? Surely I shouldn't be judging it on word of mouth and critical review? Well, fuck you this is my blog and I'll judge whatever I like! But here I'm not. It's probably shit, I don't want to have to find out. Instead I am here to offer some thoughts on the premise. The film is about a recently widowed woman who receives a series of love letters sent by her recently deceased husband helping her to celebrate their love and move on with her life. Her husband isn't dead when he sends the letters (That would be cool) but instead he gets someone else to send them on. It is sentimental and sappy and according to a number of reviews walks a confusing line between outright comedy and extremely serious comedy. Also it is unrealistic....

I'm a Romantic, I frickin loved Amelie but I really can't stomach this. How about this for a premise...

A recently widowed woman is trying to move on from her husband's death. This is when she starts to receive letters he wrote to her before his death. These letters insist she doesn't start dating other guys and that she remain in a perpetual state of mourning for the rest of her life. She wants to start dating a startlingly handsome Vet she met at a charity walk for Victims of Boat Related Deaths (Her husband died after being hit by a yacht) but her husband's cruel and some what threatening notes from beyond the grave prevent her from doing so. It'd be a laugh riot and a hell of a lot more realistic! And if you don't like that take out the vet guy. Replace him with her dead husband's best friend. Steve (It's as good a name as any), an ex heroin junkie cat trainer, was employed by the husband before his death to send the letters but as he does so he falls in love with the sexy grieving heroine (She wears black for most of the film so she always looks trim). Steve is left with the choice, betray his best friend by banging his vulnerable widow or carry on making her miserable with the psycho jealous letters. That is Oscar winning drama right there.

What do you think Hollywood?

Peace

Steve

P.S - I Love You

Egging Me On...

Have you seen the new advert for the Egg card? The gist of it is that getting an Egg card is an extremely intelligent thing to do. It also states that in the laws of the universe smart and stupid must be balanced out. Therefore every time someone does something smart like get an Egg card something stupid must happen.

This doesn't make me want to get an Egg card. I don't know much about what it does or anything, that doesn't matter to me. What I'm now thinking is that if I choose to get an Egg card I am guaranteeing something stupid is going to happen. OK, something stupid could be as simple as SAMTANNAS publishing a nude calendar or Jose mackin on some chick who turns out to be a dude BUT it could also be something really really bad like someone stupidly launching a Nuclear missile and plunging the world into war or a Movie executive agreeing to finance a sequel to Norbit.

What I'm saying is don't take the risk kids... Don't get an Egg card!

Peace

Steve

Light Up

There are a number of good things about having a soap box. First of all it makes you taller than people, that is good because tall people are more trustworthy. Second of all you're probably going to have a whole heap of soaps left over from the box. Third of all you get to spread word about stuff that you like and I like Friday Night Lights.

Friday Night Lights is a great movie. The best American Football movie I've ever seen. Maybe the best sports movie of all time. Trust me, I've seen more than a few sports movies. There was a baseball one called 'Summer Catch' starring Freddie Prinze Jnr the other night, it was terrible. Back on topic, Friday Night Lights is a really great movie based on the true story of a high school football team triumphing against the odds in the small town of Dillon where Football is everything. So first of all go and see that if you haven't.

Now great movies rarely transfer to great television shows. Buffy The Vampire Slayer was a sucky movie before it became a TV hit. Bill & Ted and Back to the Future were both great movies before spawning terrible cartoons devoid of any the charms of the originals. Name me a great movie that span off into a great TV show. I dare you. Friday Night Lights bucks the trend.

It's quite an accomplishment. The movie has the original book to base itself on and only 2 hours running time to fill. From nothing but the inspiration of the book, the movie and the real life Dillon Panthers the show has to produce a full season's worth of story-lines. I'm only 8 episodes in and not a single one has disappointed. The writing, the production, the acting; all of the very highest quality. In a sentence it is the OC meets every decent sports movie of all time. CLEAR EYES, FULL HEART, CAN'T LOSE.

Go watch it or you're just hurting yourself.

Peace

Steve

Geek Pie

I've mentioned it before but I'll mention it again, I like lists. I like making lists, I like reading lists and I really like ticking things off lists. There is a website that caters for people like me.
Cracked
Jam filled with useful lists and useful facts. I think you'll enjoy it. One list that has recently caught my eye is their 8 Celebrities You Didn't Know Were Geeks.
Now being a geek myself (Seth Cohen Template) I actually did know some of these people were geeks yet still the article warms my heart. Doesn't it make you smile to think He-Man has a degree in chemical engineering? Doesn't it make you think that maybe you might sort of have a chance with Natalie Portman? (In reality you are now probably BOTH not good looking and not intelligent enough to stand a chance)
It doesn't mention it in the article but bad ass mofo Kevin Grevioux as well as banging Kate Beckinsale on a regular basis also writes some pretty kick ass comics. I think he is my new hero.
Some other celebrities you might not now are geeks include avid comic collectors Samuel L. Jackson and Nicholas Cage. (He stole his name from a damn comic character)

SO NOW YOU KNOW!

Peace

Steve

Suspenso

Viva Italia!

I-Tunes just shuffled Journey followed by The Wonders. Nice work I-Tunes.

Peace

Steve

Valerie

People seem to like that Mark Ronson / Amy Winehouse song 'Valerie'. It is OK, I have nothing against it but you know what... I like the original better. It was by The Zutons. You remember it? It sounds like that Mark Ronson / Amy Winehouse song except it is by The Zutons. Valerie is quite a musical name. If you're dating a chick who is called Valerie then you are in luck my friend. Also if you aren't dating a girl called Valerie and you want to be dating a girl called Valerie than you can stand outside her window with a boom box playing that very song! It would also help if she had ginger hair. I think I've only met one person called Valerie. She worked at Woolworths. I wasn't fond of her.

One song that you probably won't want to play is 'Valerie' by Reel Big Fish. It is the sort of song you might want to play if you broke up with a girl called Valerie. I think it is definitely better than the Mark Ronson / Amy Winehouse song.

If your name is Valerie or if any of the issues in this blog post have affected you please post a comment or phone our helpline 07797770827.

Peace

Steve

PS - If you have been linked to this post purely because I mentioned Amy Winehouse so many times then I am sorry. Maybe this is not for you, maybe you enjoyed yourself, why don't you stick around??

Coming Soon...

Happy New Year blogateers!

Its the first entry of the New Year and in Blogging tradition that means its time for the Predictator (Not to be confused with The Predator) to be dusted off.

First lets look at last year's predictions from my old blog

Shane will win the lottery and buy a yacht which he will then name the SS Steam Machine despite the fact it is not even slightly steam powered. Soon he will find himself in financial trouble because even though he did win the lottery he only won £10.
RESULT: Incorrect. Hmm not a good start I don't think Shane even plays the lottery.

Tannas will have a whirlwind romance with a 'Star' of reality TV. It will be intense and passionate and he will feel completely dejected when she dumps him for the actor who plays Tom in Hollyoaks. Not knowing what to do he will join the navy and catch scurvy.
RESULT: Incorrect. I think Tannas gets sea sick. He isn't going to join the navy.

After accidentally eating toxic waste Jamie will develop super powers. Sadly the most useful of his powers will be the ability to tell Coke and Pepsi apart.
RESULT: Incorrect. Not going well. Jamie did eat toxic waste but it wasn't an accident. He was just sick.

Jose will run for local government and win. During his time in power he will be a massive success and be well liked by all his subjects. He will receive many prizes and honours. It will look like he has finally turned things around when he is embroiled in a sex scandal involving camera phones, jam, bees, skull fucking and a device designed with the intention of controlling the weather. After his exit from politics he will move into musical theatre and fail on every level.

RESULT: Incorrect. Dammit. Jose isn't allowed to run for government, he is a Mexican.

Liam will qualify for the olympics in the discipline of rhythmic gymnastics.

RESULT: Incorrect. He didn't qualify.

Everyone else will get same sex married to prove a point about the environment or something. Though sham marriages, things will get awkward when people start refusing to get divorced afterward. Rhodri will be one of the main culprits.

RESULT: Incorrect. It's harder to get sham married than you'd think.

Ok, not so good. 0/6. Well at least it won't be hard to improve on it.

Onwards and upwards then I guess to the 2008 Predictions...

(Six is a lame number, I'm going to do 10)

1. Tannas will start a bee keeping school for under priviledged youths hoping to teach them important life lessons. It won't last long as he is repeatedly stung.

2. Despite spending a year abroad in Spain, Jose Franco won't have learnt a single sentence of Spanish.

3. Shane will go to Vegas and marry a hooker on a drunken bet.

4. Paulo Hinz will become extremely paranoid about a potential Nuclear War and build a bunker in our garden. Upon graduating he will sit in the corner gently rocking and making wild accusations about the Welsh.

5. Jamie will at some point have a quiet night in.

6. Eddie Murphy will impregnate Sporty Spice.

7. Dave Henshaw will also impregnate Sporty (after she has given birth to Eddie's baby, I don't think its possible to get pregnant again whilst your pregnant)

8. Liam will have Vernon Kay's face tattooed on his back and immediately regret it.

9. Oly will find out reality is a lie and we are living in an artificially created computer world. He won't tell anyone though and will just enjoy the sense of superiority he feels.

10. Everyone else will get together and release a novelty Christmas record with all the profits going to Romanian Orphan children. The song will be called 'Christmasturbating (Oh what a feeling)' and it will be written by Mark Owen.

Well there you go, what a wild and crazy ride 2008 is looking to be!

Peace

Steve